The Creepy Beneath Our Feet: Lizard People and the Bigger Picture

So what’s the deal with the Lizard People, anyway? Are they good guys? Bad guys? Are they from Earth? Are they from space? Are they all dead? Do they still live under Los Angeles? And why did they choose LA to live underneath?

The answers to all these questions are pretty much whatever you want them to be. Stories about the origins of the LA’s subterranean population of lizards are as numerous as the lizards themselves aren’t. But there are a few things that most accounts of los lagartos clandestinos have in common.

Most paranormal enthusiasts seem to believe that LA’s Lizard population — whether it’s still buried under the Central Library or not — is part of a greater population of reptilian humanoids, called “reptoids.” Sometimes they’re called “Reptoids,” though it’s unclear whether this is simply because of poor copyediting or because that’s the official name of their species. If it is the actual name of their species, we can be fairly certain they don’t pose any threat to humanity, because, come on, the most badass name they could come up with is “Reptoids.” If we can’t hold our own against a race that uncreative, we deserve to be enslaved.

Anyway, it’s generally agreed that whether they hail from Earth or another planet (possible planet name: “Repto”), the (aw, what the hell) Reptoids are part of a multifarious array of intelligent beings that visit/kidnap/fornicate with humans on a regular basis. Again, stories on the origins of the various beings present in this rogues’ gallery of sentient biodiversity differ; in some stories they’re from other planets, in others they’re from dimensions beyond time and space. It’s also generally agreed that all of these races have Big Plans for the human race, usually involving something something 2012 something.

Often the Reptoids are described as being in cahoots with the Greys, which are those big grey aliens with almond-shaped eyes that abduct people and do (sometimes horrible, sometimes pleasant) things to them. Whether the Reptoids are in charge of the Grays, or the Grays are in charge of the Reptoids, or both races are in the employ of some larger and more sinister or perhaps benevolent force, depends largely on which crazy person you sit next to on the bus.

Of course, there are still a lot of unanswered questions. Like: How stoned do I have to be before any of this makes sense?

Part of journalism is answering the hard questions. So I’m going to go and try to do just that.

3 thoughts on “The Creepy Beneath Our Feet: Lizard People and the Bigger Picture”

  1. You are fucking amazing.

    You know, I took a writing class once before I dove into it full on. The instructor, whom I respect immensely, held up a plain brass key on his keychain. “You should be able to write 1,000 words about this. In a week or less.” Obviously inferring that a quality writer does not need some divine inspiration or some hefty topic to write well. He or she only needs the guts to do it.

    You sir, have those guts.

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