Seriously, Umami Burger: I usually don’t like to complain.
But two days ago when I was walking past your newish location at 4655 Hollywood Boulevard, you had a chalkboard sign out, right there on the sidewalk, advertising a “late night happy hour” at 10 PM. At this late night happy hour, the sign promised, I would be treated to $4 beer and wine and, for only $6.99, something called a “69er Burger.”
Usually I giggle uncontrollably at any mention of the number 69, but this is no time for merriment. I saw the sign at about 4:00, when I was on my way to the Vista Theater for the 4:20 (STOP GIGGLING DAMMIT) showing of Hot Tub Time Machine (which was reasonably awesome). So I text-messaged my girlfriend and asked her if she’d be awake enough for a burger and beer at 10 PM on a Wednesday night. She said yes, possibly with several exclamation points. There’s no time to check my inbox, Umami Burger, because I’m not finished being pissed at you.
More on why Umami Burger at 4655 Hollywood Boulevard totally sucks after the jump.
Anyway, keep those details straight: An advertisement, right there on the street, for a late night happy hour beginning at 10 PM. We were very excited. We’re a family that enjoys its hamburg steak.
So we were very disappointed to arrive at Umami Burger at 10:10 PM and be ushered out the door by a dude in a bow tie, who told us the place was closed.
“But,” I said. “But…” I tend to stammer when I’m frustrated.
“Sorry, we’re closed,” Bowtie Dude said.
“But there’s a sign out front that says happy hour begins at 10 PM,” I said.
“Yeah, it’s ten minutes after ten, so we’re closed” Bowtie Dude explained helpfully.
“But there’s a sign,” I said again, pointing to the sign. “There’s a sign that says happy hour begins at 10 PM.” Bowtie Dude asserted that he did not write the sign, and therefore the sign should not be taken seriously.
So we went to Pinkberry to cool our jets. Afterward we returned to the scene of the crime to triple-check the sign, this time through the metal grate that serves to deter thieves from breaking into the sucky, sucky Umami Burger at 4655 Hollywood Boulevard. Anyway, I didn’t misread the sign: It advertised a 10 PM happy hour — presumably every day, or at least that day, since no day was specified — during which I could purchase $4 wine and beer and a $6.99 69er Burger. Sadly, it was too dark for our phone-cameras to pick up a good picture, but these were definitely the facts.
So: Screw you, Umami Burger at 4655 Hollywood Boulevard. Screw you first for lying with slate and chalk, and telling me that if I returned at 10 PM I would be rewarded with cheap booze and hilariously named burgers. And screw you second for having employees who display such indifference and such extreme not-giving-a-shit-ness that you permanently lose customers as a result. I was looking forward to trying one of your sandwiches, but it’s not like there’s such a shortage of good burgers in LA that I’d have to rescind my principles and enter your crappy establishment.
Please, Umami Burger at 4655 Hollywood Boulevard: Stop lying.