An Open Letter to the LAX Cop Who Threatened To Write My Girlfriend A TIcket on Monday

Dear LAX Cop Who Threatened To Write My Girlfriend A Ticket Last Monday:

I know you have kind of a thankless job. Really, I can only imagine the absolute nonsense you’re forced to deal with on a daily basis: People wanting to cross streets, people wanting to drive their cars on those same streets, people asking for directions to terminals — many of whom probably don’t display a fraction of the deference you’d like them to, given your position of relative authority. And probably less than .0000001 percent of them are terrorists, which doesn’t afford you much to write about in your weekly letters to Jack Bauer. The headaches you face must be tremendous.

So I can kind of understand why you started to write my girlfriend a ticket when she picked me up from the airport last week. You asked me where I was going, I told you I was quickly hopping into her stopped-in-traffic car, and then you ordered me, apparently under your breath, to get into the car via a different curb, one reserved for passenger pick-ups. When I didn’t obey, you showed me you meant business by threatening a woman who had no role in our prior interaction. And when I asked why you were writing a ticket, you were rightly annoyed with me, and said that you had already told me that I could only get into the car in the designated pick-up area. I’m so sorry I didn’t hear your mush-mouthed order over the echoing din of honking horns and revving engines. These stupid ears of mine! I really should have listened to you more closely, just in case you were commanding me to do something totally inefficient and pointless.

Sure, she was waiting in a line of cars that wasn’t moving at all, and sure, I didn’t have to walk into the street or disrupt traffic in any way to get into her car. Sure, her passenger side opened onto an empty curb, and sure, it took me all of three seconds to get into the car, during which traffic didn’t move at all. And sure, if you had just let us go on our way, it would have actually alleviated traffic overall, since we wouldn’t have needed to merge or change lanes. Sure, it would have saved everyone, including yourself, time and frustration. But you have authority to maintain, oh LAX Cop Who Threatened To Write My Girlfriend A Ticket Last Monday. And you can’t just have people flouting your rules and getting into cars willy-nilly. In a properly functioning society, the letter of the law always supersedes the spirit, and the stripes on your arm are all the proof of this anyone should need.

Thank you, oh LAX Cop Who Threatened To Write My Girlfriend A Ticket Last Monday. Thank you for showing me that order is only maintained through a healthy respect for authority, and that the best way to communicate with a recalcitrant citizen is to threaten a woman until he complies.

7 Replies to “An Open Letter to the LAX Cop Who Threatened To Write My Girlfriend A TIcket on Monday”

  1. you sound like a whiny spoiled little bi*ch. follow the rules like every one else. have her pull in the pick up lane. and hop in. and STUF. (no im not a cop, dont like cops, but hate little whiny people)

  2. Rules Jimmy James endorses:

    (1) Those proffered by cops at airports

    Rules Jimmy James does not endorse:

    (1) Spelling
    (2) Punctuation
    (3) Capitalization

  3. Excellent post Kevin. As if air travel weren’t enough of a pain, these letter-of-the-law guys go around making life harder on everybody. I’ve also had a run-in with the LAX hall monitors traffic causers friendly officers, and all I can say is, how about you clear the curbs so my wife can pull curbside to pick me up without having to drive down a quarter mile?

    Seriously, there are better options there- Phoenix has a pick-up lot where drivers can wait until they get a call that you’re curbside instead of just driving around over and over again. Better yet, let’s get a metro line to the airport so I don’t need a pick-up at all!

  4. Hmmm, sorry you had a bad run in, am actually getting ready to do a post THANKING a TSA agent at LAX that was really kind to my daughter.

  5. Haha, awesome letter! Can you also write one to the La Crescenta Sheriff who gave me a ticket for parking 13 feet away from a fire hydrant this week?

  6. Fraz, I actually had a great TSA experience at Philadelphia International Airport! My lady and I got a Wii for Christmas, and when I took it through in my suitcase, I didn’t think to take it out — they made me open up the suitcase, but they were extremely friendly about it.

    Funkacide, LAX actually has a cell phone lot, at the corner of (I believe) Arbor Vitae and Airport. But don’t tell anyone — it’s one of LA’s best kept secrets.

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