Dear LAPD ASSPUP Division: I Can Haz 1 Of These 4Evs On Mye Streezle?

Dear Los Angeles Police Department, Antiterrorist Stationary Street Patrol Unit Placement (ASSPUP) Division:

lapdSince December 28, I’ve been biking morning and evening by this empty patrol unit (pictured at right), parked in the red in front of the palatial residence of some unknown country’s diplomats on the northwest corner of 4th Street and Hudson in Hancock Park. When I saw it still there in the same place on the second day I first thought maybe the officers had gotten lost. On the third day I considered calling 911 in case you guys might be short one car and were wondering where it went.

But then on the fourth day it finally dawned on me that you sharp crime-stopping cookies knew about this all along, and I’ve really got to hand it to whoever the forward thinkers are that came up with this wholly effective and unique decoy. Some might say it’s bullshit, but I say in the wake of the failed underpants bomber Christmas Day, such desperate measures call for desperate countermeasures to protect our foreign officials. And the fact is: it’s an unqualified success. So far, this empty unattended and entirely useless black-and-white has been 100% effective in keeping any criminal shit whatsover from happening around it (not counting famed musician neighbor Beck dumping his Christmas tree in front of his nearby house December 29).

With the vehicle still there this morning in the exact same place you left it last year and finding everything else along that cozy and affluent intersection calm and quiet and not blown up or overrun by jihadists (even Beck’s tree was gone!), I realized the time was ripe to broaden this pilot program and expand it away from foreign dignitaries, and instead into other less-wealthy communities like mine, for example, full of actual citizens like me, for example, whose taxes pay for your protection and service. So in the hopes you’re looking to grow this program into the city-wide success I know it can be, allow me to formally volunteer use of the space directly in front of my house. Hell, if it’ll help, I’ll even paint the curb red to add that much-needed sense of we-can-park-where-we-want-to urgency that won’t get old even after a week. Or a decade.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Love,
Will

10 Replies to “Dear LAPD ASSPUP Division: I Can Haz 1 Of These 4Evs On Mye Streezle?”

  1. Whenever I see a police car or motorcycle parked in front of a residence day after day, I concoct a noir scenario in my head that involves affairs with rich ladies, blackmail, and maybe even gunplay. But that’s just me.

  2. We call them drone cars. MPD parks them in front of locations they want to prevent people from doing something, usually gang related, but not always. Some times they even park it near intersections or the speed warning signs to slow traffic down. Whatever the reason I look at the car number, shrug and move on. No one takes them seriously and can’t imagine that they deter any sort of activity.

  3. Oddly, My wife and I pedaled by this very car this past weekend. Does anyone know exactly who lives there? There is always a rent-a-cop parked there too, with the guard sleeping in the car.

  4. Hi Garrett. In trying to confirm the residents I learned the property in question is definitely kept on the hush-hush. I’m pretty sure it’s the home of the Los Angeles consul general of Japan, but all I can find is reference to his “Hancock Park home.”

  5. CC, Nah, I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve already heard all too many times the playbacks of stoopid people calling the cops because McD’s shorted them a McNugget. What surprises me is that you took my facetious reference to 911 so seriously.

  6. The consul general of Japan, eh? Maybe that’s no police car but a mecha ready to pounce on any bad guy stupid enough to try something.

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