Win Tickets to Steve Martin’s “Big Bad Banjo” with Dave Barry

This is a hugely special treat for us to be able to offer one pair of tickets to one lucky winner. Steve Martin isn’t only a world-famous comedian and actor, but he’s a Grammy-winning banjo player. Seriously.

stevemartinOf course, that’s not the only thing serious about next Monday’s performance. This is a fundraiser for the Los Angeles Public Library, and is presented by the Library Foundation of Los Angeles. From the Goldenvoice website:

“Martin’s banjo playing kind of took a backseat during years of movies, books and more movies. That is, until he played second banjo on Earl Scruggs’ Grammy-winning recording of “Foggy Mountain Breakdown” in 2001, holding his own against country stars like Vince Gill and Marty Stuart.”

Martin will be joined onstage by humor writer Dave Barry, who said “In today’s economy, we need to support our public libraries. And when you say ‘public library,’ the phrase that immediately comes to mind is ‘banjo music.’ So I’m really looking forward to asking Steve Martin probing questions about his new album, such as: ‘WHY?'”

Here’s all the info on the show. To win tickets, leave your favorite Steve Martin quote below either in text form or using Seesmic to record a video quote. The winner will be chosen before Friday.

25 thoughts on “Win Tickets to Steve Martin’s “Big Bad Banjo” with Dave Barry”

  1. Hi. I’m Steve Martin. With so many celebrities endorsing cosmetics these days, I wanted to make sure the cosmetic I endorsed was very special. That is why I am proud to put my name on Steve Martin’s All Natural Penis Beauty Cream. New formula. Try my new beauty cream and in a matter of weeks, your penis will be looking smoother and softer the way women like it. Because of the new formula, no more scaling. Here’s how it works, just take a small amount and rub gently on the penis for several minutes up to a half hour. You’ll notice a difference right away. And don’t worry, a slight discoloration is normal. Dave, tell us, how does my Steve Martin’s All Natural Penis Beauty Cream New Formula helped you?

    Yes well thank you, Dave. Steve Martin’s All Natural Penis Beauty Cream New Formula. You know it’s safe. Why? Because it’s tested on animals. And if you order by mail, don’t worry, it’s shipped in a normal brown rapper with the words NOT PENIS CREAM stamped all over it in big red letters. So pick up a jar today and remember, it’s the only cream with a picture of my penis on it.

    – from a SNL appearance

  2. Lord loves a workin’ man; don’t trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.

  3. From the Jerk: I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day

  4. In a way, each of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!

    From the Three Amigos

  5. from Little Shop of Horrors:

    (singing) I thrill when I drill a bicuspid / It’s swell, though they tell me I’m maladjusted.

  6. “Why did I stop playing the banjo professionally, Dave? I can answer that with one sentence; a sentence you’ll never hear in the English language. And that sentence is: ‘Oh, look, it’s the banjo player’s Porsche.'”

    -Steve Martin to David Letterman, around 2001-2002

  7. I’ll tell you what I’m doing. I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don’t need. So I am removing the superfluous buns. Yeah. And you want to know why? Because some big-shot over at the wiener company got together with some big-shot over at the bun company and decided to rip off the American public. Because they think the American public is a bunch of trusting nit-wits who will pay for everything they don’t need rather than make a stink. Well they’re not ripping of this nitwit anymore because I’m not paying for one more thing I don’t need. George Banks is saying NO!

  8. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”

  9. God I could type for hours on this… but I’ll stick with just two.

    My favorite Steve Martin Joke is ‘One Way to Leave your Lover’ off of his ‘Lets Get Small’ album…
    I could type it out, but it’s worth another listen, so:
    It may possibly be the most well timed joke ever recorded…

    Another favorite of mine, and one that most of you have probably never heard comes from a bootleg I found somewhere in the ethers of the internet:

    Well good evening motherfuckers. oh… you probably think of me as the happy go lucky wild and crazy guy you see on TV. That’s a lot of fuckin’ bullshit. I just do that to earn a living this is the real me so fuck you. I made my fuckin’ carreer comin’ down to the goddam fuckin’ comedy store, I steal material from the new comedians take it on the fuckin’ road. But the comedians don’t mind because I’m so fuckin’ great on stage and this is where I’m really incisive and totally social and fuck you… OK.. [ recomposes himself and laughs] sorry. my HUMBLEST apologies…

  10. All dames are alike — they reach down your throat so they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, they step on it with their high heels, spit on it, shove it in the oven they cook the shit out of it. They slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast and they serve it to you and they expect you to say, “Thanks honey, it’s delicious.”

    Plus, I got a t-shirt from the old Cup O’ Pizza place before they tore it down ….which I’ll promise to wear if I win.

  11. “Comedy is the art of making people laugh, without making them puke.” – SM

  12. The entire insult routine from Roxanne is my fave but I’ll behave and just put: It must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee… in Brazil

  13. “Half the things we tell ourselves are fiction.” – from Housesitter, one of the under-appreciated Steve Martin classics.

  14. You know everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You’re a miracle! Your stories have NONE of that. They’re not even amusing ACCIDENTALLY! “Honey, I’d like you to meet Del Griffith, he’s got some amusing anecodotes for you. Oh and here’s a gun so you can blow your brains out. You’ll thank me for it.”

    I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They’d say, “How can you stand it?” I’d say, “‘Cause I’ve been with Del Griffith. I can take ANYTHING.” You know what they’d say? They’d say, “I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy. Woah.”

    It’s like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn’t pull it out and snap it back – you would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!

    And by the way, you know, when you’re telling these little stories? Here’s a good idea – have a POINT. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!

  15. “The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!”

    From “The Jerk”

  16. “It’s like those French have a different word for everything!”

    When my friend Sarah and I stumble over words as we talk we always say
    “Not have way” (with words). I love Steve.

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