Felonius Interruptus

The Great Train Robbery (which has nothing to do with this story)
The Great Train Robbery (which has nothing to do with this story)
LA bloggers, myself included, seem to be fond of observing–at least anecdotally–the rise in crime that is accompanying the fall of the stock market: mail theft in Hollywood, hold-up in Studio City, and so on. It seems we all know someone, or several people, who have been victims of a property crime or worse, over the course of the last few months. Having your car window smashed and your GPS stolen is hardly newsworthy, but my friend Bob, who lives in Reseda, has a burglary story that’s man-bites-dog enough to be worth sharing even in the current climate. The events in his own words after the break: 
“Last Saturday night after a really good date with a nice fella I arrived back at my home at 4:28am (I said it was a really good date!!)  As I approached the gate to my entryway I noticed something on the ground, it was a charcoal gray hoody-type jacket.  I picked it up and noticed it was heavily laden in the pockets. I didn’t look in the pockets but wondered who left it inside the gate; I became sligthly more aware of my surroundings and began to walk toward my entry door which is at the back of the house where I live.
“As I rounded the corner of the house I was moving slowly and cautiously. I noticed that the screen to one of the windows into my living room was sitting on the ground propped against the house and the window was wide open.  I also noticed that the living room was flooded with light even though I had only left on one low wattage bulb in the kitchen.  SHIT!! someone had broken into my house and I didn’t know if they were still inside or not.
“I placed the key in the lock and opened the door (yeah I know .. I should have gone to the car and called the cops but I didn’t just deal OK?).  I glimpsed the back of a man entering the bathroom doorway which is just off of the living room.  I was so incensed and indignant that he was in my house that I went right after him.  Now you must realize that there is no place to hide in the bathroom except the shower so it took all of about 14 milliseconds to figure out where the culprit was hiding.  I jerked the shower curtain back and screamed ‘Get the F*** out of my house!!’ The burglar flinched at the sound of my voice and began making a hasty retreat to the front door, mumbling ‘I’m sorry, sir.’ as he passed me.  Sorry?? He said sorry??
“I grabbed my house phone and dialed 911 as I followed him out to the entry way sidewalk.  He stopped to pick up his hoody-jacket and then moved on out through the gate.  I stayed outside for a few minutes talking with the emergency operator and then came back inside my place.  I began a quick inventory of the valuables and I noticed that he got my digital camera.  I keep the camera on my desk just underneath my computer monitor.  That’s when I noticed the display on my monitor.  The perpetrator had been using my computer to view porn!!!  There was a picture of a busty young woman on the screen which I knew I had never viewed–I must have interrupted what he assumed would be a quiet little time of self-exploration with computer aided imagery.  Only in LA would a burglar interrupt the commission of a felony to sit down for a wank to porn!!!  Fortunately I didn’t see any DNA evidence that he consumated his viewing adventure and yes the keyboard and mouse were cleaned thoroughly after the fingerprint tech finished his work.
“Maybe this could be a new crime fighting technique…just leave the computer on to a free porn site and maybe the burglar will disregard the valuables in the house.  Of course one can only imagine what kind of pics he’s taking with my camera.”

6 Replies to “Felonius Interruptus”

  1. Your friend just let him stroll out? Seriously? I’m sorry but you might as well put out a Welcome mat for crooks if this is all they have to be scared of.

  2. My cousin’s apartment was broken into the other day. She was out with a friend. They didn’t steal anything, but deflated all four of her tires.

  3. omg fbi can call this one the “wanking bandit”. OMG I am totally gobsmacked by this one. Sure beats the hell outta the stolen gps which is usually the victims fault for leaving it out in plain view in the first place.

    Great pun Jason Burns!

  4. A flinching burglar hiding in my shower? That’s a clear invitation to slam into him at full force and knock him silly (in self-defense, of course) before calling the police.

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