Angelenos 10 Commandments

picture-26.pngThese aren’t set in stone (ha,ha), so feel free to leave your own in the comments.

  1. Thou shalt have an earthquake kit in their home and trunk.
  2. Thou shalt always complain about the weather despite living in the nation’s most moderate climate.
  3. Thou shalt know the location of the nearest In-N-Out, no matter where thou are in the city.
  4. Thou shalt have a Ralphs Card, but shalt always refer to Trader Joes as the best grocery store ever.
  5. Thou shalt treat San Franciscans’ constant pissing-and-moaning remarks about how “awful” life in L.A. is as little more than what they are – harmless slurs from ill-informed street urchins. Likewise, thou shalt pay New Yorkers no damn mind whatsoever.
  6. Thou shalt not stay beyond the seventh inning at thy Dodgers game.
  7. Thou shall know that East LA begins east of the Los Angeles River.
  8. Thou shalt always keep a Thomas Guide in thy car. Thou shalt not worship thy Garmin nor thy Google, as thee are fallible. Thou shalt be forbidden from speaking of Mapquest, as it is thy devil.
  9. Thou shalt not be the 3rd car turning left on red. It’s red. Not orange. Not sorta-red. But you-could-get-T-boned-while-trying-to-rush-to-your-yoga-class red.
  10. Thou shalt not fuck with the Jesus.

…Mack Reed and Mike Winder contributed to this entry, including the butchering of thy old-timey speak…

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13 Replies to “Angelenos 10 Commandments”

  1. Speaking of #10, I listened to The Jesus’ theme song today, i.e., the Gypsy Kings’ version of “Hotel California.” It never fails to crack me up, especially when they lapse into English to repeat “such a lovely face, such a lovely face.” It could be the best pairing of song and movie scene ever.

    If there is room on the tablet for an Eleventh Commandment, how about, “Thou shalt not let any driver in thy lane, or thy intersection, for thou art too important.”

  2. Dude, I grew up here and I still don’t have an earthquake kit (I know, I know!) and there’s no way I would ever declare Trader Joe’s to be the best market. I’m partial to Costco myself.

  3. I’m with Darlene. I got over Trader Joe’s in the 90’s, you can too.

    I know the nearest location of In-N-Out, no matter where I am in the country.

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