Open Letters to Angelenos at Ralphs

Dear guy sitting in the parking lot in your car with the engine running holding a newspaper 1 inch from your face and struggling to read whatever is written on it,
I’m scared that you drive. Eeep!

Dear lady in the grocery store racing pushing my cart out of the way and racing to grab the last gallon of 2% milk before I am in arms reach of it,
I didn’t want it anyway.

Dear overweight and balding guy with a cute girl who is way out of your league getting all huffy and protective thinking I’m staring and trying to get in on that action,
Actually you guys are just in the way of the Vitamin Water display, could you move already?

Dear lady with 27 items in your cart standing in the 15 items or less line hoping no one notices,
We all noticed.

Dear guy with 2 kids in a shopping cart who are screaming bloody fucking murder and crying and generally casing a ruckus,
I think your kids are upset.

Dear lady in line behind me and the guy with one bottle of soda who is all upset because I let the guy with one bottle of soda go ahead of me inline since he only had one bottle of soda,
Are you dumb in the head? We were both in front of you before, what order we reach the check out makes no difference at all.

Dear guy bagging my groceries who thinks it’s a good idea to put one single item in each plastic bag so now instead of having 2 bags with 3-4 items in each I have 7 individual bags,
Um… thanks?

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21 Replies to “Open Letters to Angelenos at Ralphs”

  1. I hate that one bag per item thing! Even now when I bring my own bags (yes, I do rule), they still put like three items per bag. I’m always asking them to add more to the bag. WTF?

  2. I can’t solve any of your problems except for the last one (and only halfway, as Julia points out). Reusable bags. Use them. Love them. Get a nickel discount on each one, each time you use it.

  3. Dear Jerk parked in the red “No Parking–Fire Lane” space at the front of the store: The rules apply to you, too…

    Dear Too-lazy-to-put-your-cart-back-in-a-cart-collection-area-but-instead-leave-it-blocking-the-parking-space-next-to-you: You suck.

  4. Your letter to the guy with the screaming kids made me laugh. But in his defense: he knows they’re screaming. Trust me, if there were a rock he could crawl under, he’d do it. The yelling is louder where he is, and he only wants to get his groceries and go home.

  5. Grocery shopping is the bane of my existence. It is humanity at its worst. I would kill for a day I could go into a grocery store and be the only one in the store. No carts blocking my way while the pusher is half an aisle down checking out prices on peas. No lines.

    It is a weekly torture. Then again, if we all think that, who is that blocking the pasta section?

  6. How about the coupon lady? The one who spent her lunch hour matching up the coupons in the Sunday Times to the Ralph’s and Vons adds in the front page of the Sunday times and to the story flyers that are in the Tuesday Times? The one that may be buying stuff she or her family does not need but feels so happy to be saving 50% or more on stuff she may not need?

  7. This is classic.

    Dear Von’s & Ralphs,
    Haven’t you caught on that everyone is just using their friend or roommate’s phone number from 3 years ago to get the Von’s/Ralph’s Club price?

    Dear cashier,
    Am I the first person to ever buy cigarettes at your store? It shouldn’t take that long to find Newports or Kools. They’re in Green boxes.

    Dear Von’s,
    Thanks for getting rid of the generic/cheaper/store brand Pop Tarts. Assclowns.

    – AP
    http://www.proctorformayor.com

  8. Oh and why do they always ask me and my other half – two obviously able-bodied people – if we need help to our car?

    One day I’m going to say “Yes” and not have to push the cart myself.

    Do I tip the guy or something?

  9. If you hopped into the cart after saying yes, do you think they’d push you and your groceries out to your car? What if you went “Wheeee!” the whole time (which is certainly what I would do)?

  10. I shop around 9:00 in the evening on weekends, no one around, N AND OUT quick. I hate check writer’s too BTW, no offense Annika.

  11. I keep wondering who Alex Scott is everytime I use my CVS card. I forget
    I used a “Fake” name and address, so they won’t send me anymore junk mail. I gotta work on that.

  12. Yeah, they always call me Mr. Hardesty. Apparently somebody named Hardesty used to have a phone number which I also no longer have. :-)

    You guys don’t have a Ralph’s or Von’s Club Card? Just use 626-296-2952. I’ve been using that for ages.

  13. Now that I think about it, on the rare occasion that I write a check it takes me less time than paying by debit card. I write fast. So Will wasn’t talking abut me anyway. (I also bag my own groceries. People should love being behind me in line.)

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