Confidential, to the bitch in the Escalade

Sweetheart, I didn’t pull into the intersection because the traffic on the other side wasn’t moving. I was trying to let the little old lady turn left in front of us. But people in huge fucking trucks kept swinging around me and gunning it, so she was too terrified to go anywhere. So I gave in and pulled forward when traffic ahead of us started to move. I didn’t realize you’d choose that exact moment to lose patience with me (I think it had been an entire minute since I stopped) and pull around me. Wow, Escalades accelerate pretty fast! You were almost in front of me when you looked over and saw that I was moving. I know how hurt you must have been that I was going with the flow of traffic, so it’s totally understandable that you whipped back into my lane. Your behemoth Cadillac was way more entitled to that piece of road than my compact car was, even if I was currently occupying it. It’s OK, I have good breaks. And hey, look at that! My horn works, too! Oh, does that make you mad? Oh my god, you’re pulling over and gesturing to me to fight you? Lady, you are tiny and blond. “Tough” looks silly on you. And seriously, we both have children in our car. Mine is small, but yours looks to be around nine. What the hell do you think you’re teaching him? You idiot.



P.S. Mild controversy, after the jump.

(I really wanted this to be to the cunt in the Escalade, but after the last time I used that word I’m not taking any chances with our readers’ delicate sensibilities.)

14 thoughts on “Confidential, to the bitch in the Escalade”

  1. lol…that is my favorite word and lest you forget a few of our rabid trolls once accused us all of being a bunch of “c…s”. Really, the last I checked more than a few of us had outies and not innies.

    That said…I too am sick of those beasts. You can’t see around them.

    My favorite is stuck trying to make a left with one on my ass honking and one in the opposite direction stopped for a left completely blocking my view of traffic ahead. Most of the time I ignore them. Once I actually got out of the car and asked her what her fucking problem was then waited to move my car until the last second so she was stuck for a red.

    Of course the funny part about this post is the ad running next to it is for a freaking ‘slade.

  2. I really wanted this to be to the cunt in the Escalade, but after the last time I used that word I’m not taking any chances with our readers’ delicate sensibilities.

    Well, according to Eve Ensler, we gals are supposed to be embracing the “c” word…so I say cunt away.

    Yannow…considering that most of LA’s parking spaces are the size of matchboxes, I can’t understand why anyone in this city would choose to drive a land yacht.

    There’s nothing more infuriating than driving into a packed lot and seeing SUV’s parked in “compact only” spaces…which usually means their utilizing two spaces.

    For city so concerned with traffic and global warming, I wish more would drive their Hyundai and save the Queen Mary for road trips.

  3. There’s something about Escalades. It’s the disregard for smaller creatures that comes with owning a gargantuan SUV–the “I can drive right over you, so fuck off” attitude–coupled with the sense of entitlement that comes with having an insanely expensive Cadillac. When there’s someone cutting me off in traffic? It’s an Escalade. Someone cutting across three lanes of traffic to make a right turn? An Escalade. Someone blocking the right lane of a street while they wait to turn left across traffic, even when they’re not supposed to be turning there? An Escalade. Parked crosswise across two spots? Yep. Escalade.

  4. hmm, rush of adrenaline, eh? Maybe I’ll try using “cunt” to get myself out of bed in the morning…

  5. We should all embrace “cunt” before it becomes passe. The recent film “In Bruges” had the best use of the word I’ve heard to date. Ralph Fiennes yells, “You leave my fucking cunt kids out of this!”

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