Today’s Parking Tard Brought To You By The First Day Of Spring


What is it with the day-after-humpday mornings on Venice Boulevard that brings out the tards, either mobile or stagnant? It’s a conspiracy I tell you! On March 6 it was an affected young lady in a Silver VW Bug who felt entitled to honk at me and my bike to get out of her way whilst she traversed the stretch of bike lane between Fairfax and La Cienega as her own private expressway.

Two weeks later to the day (and practically the hour) we have this utilitard pictured above (click image to triplify), at a complete stop fully blocking the bike lane despite having open access with which the sumbitch could’ve pulled to the dangblasted curb like any decent nonidiot would have done.

I suppose I should be thankful the operator went to the trouble of engaging the hazard lights prior to vacating the vehicle because A) that automagically makes everything all better and B) otherwise without the blinking illumination I no doubt would have smashed headling into its giant whiteness instead of having time to unholster the cam for a snap and signal left before easing just over the white line into the traffic lane and thereby forcing the motorist passing me to freak the hell out because clearly I — poof! — appeared from out of thin air. In a surprisingly calm reaction to the ensuing apopleptic fit coupled with an invective spew paired to an adamant middle finger flown my way I found it all absolutely hilarious that once again I was the bad guy.

5 thoughts on “Today’s Parking Tard Brought To You By The First Day Of Spring”

  1. Will, you are clearly the bad guy. I don’t know who you think you are, riding that bike. And in the bike lane, no less! The nerve!

    Just the other day I noted to Frazgo’s piece about his police ride-along that the police obviously have to prioritize, and can’t cite every single instance of everyone’s pet peeves, but there should be some remedy for this. John Q. Public can make citizen’s arrests if they witness a crime. Why can’t we make citizen’s traffic citations for knuckleheads like this guy or the girl in the VW?

    Of course, I understand that this would further muck up our already overburdened court system, not to mention probably start more than a few fights, but we should be able to come up with something.

  2. Ah Burns, a citizens arrest leaves one open to “false arrest and imprisonment” personal injury claims. Not a bad idea, one I even thought of using a few times, but the risk of getting sued far outweighs getting their attention. Lord knows one will never get them to admit they were wrong.

  3. I’d like to applaud the parking tard commentary by someone not in a car, since parking commentary that includes opinions by people in cars are in my top ten of things that annoy me.

    I think this parking tard was simply ignorant. I think he thought “well i’m in the lines” not getting that those lines aren’t for cars.

    “I suppose I should be thankful the operator went to the trouble of engaging the hazard lights prior to vacating the vehicle…” Will the insane guy who rides his bike really far. Can we all admit that’s very unusual, it’s a great thing, but it’s a very unusual awesome very good example how to make alt transportion work type of a thing. Most people just get paper instead of plastic, but the riding your bike to work, that’s something real.

    Yeah the hazard lights thing, it’s like your boyfriend using the, “I told you I was a slut,” when you first met as an excuse as to why it’s completely ok that he’s cheating on you now, you know, since he was very honest about the whole nature of him and things…


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