Missed Connections, or: Attention Public Farters

http://blogging.la/archives/images/2007/12/DSCF2808-thumb.jpg To the person (you know who you are) who was at my PGA screening of The Golden Compass this past Saturday night. Did you happen to notice that everyone seated around you was gasping for air? The giggles you heard escaping from hand-covered faces were not giggles of joy. They were giggles of disbelief, the kind of laughter that can be defined as “nervous” and “disgusted.” Please know that I wasn’t laughing–I was suffocating. I had to press my boyfriend’s well-cologned wrist against my nose for the majority of the film, just so I could stay conscious.

Here are a few tips:
1. Public farting is NOT okay, anywhere, anytime. If you need to pass gas, excuse yourself to a private place (in this particular case, the BATHROOM in the theater lobby would have been IDEAL). I am not King Arthur, so please don’t fart in my general direction.
2. Whatever you ate for dinner before the film didn’t agree with you. Think about it.
3. Gas-X is the trusted leader in gas relief.

8 Replies to “Missed Connections, or: Attention Public Farters”

  1. Sorry about that, Helen. It was the Poquito Mas. I do disagree about public flatulence, though. I really enjoy laying an egg and watching the faces of the anorexic blondes in my local TJ’s recoil in horror. I also love dropping a good vapor in elevators, just as I exit.

    You’re welcome.

  2. Sorry about that, Helen. It was the Poquito Mas. I do disagree about public flatulence, though. I really enjoy laying an egg and watching the faces of the anorexic blondes in my local TJ’s recoil in horror. I also love dropping a good vapor in elevators, just as I exit.

    You’re welcome.

  3. Oh, the mischief of a movie farter. I was at a movie recently where the culprit was more brazen. He was loud. Let loose strange acoustical volleys that sounded like champagne corks being popped inside a racquetball court. Everyone in the theatre was laughing, but nobody could pinpoint the source.

    That’s the beauty of movie farters. Whether they work aloud or quietly, their identity remains hidden. And as their funk creeps from aisle to aisle, so travels a cloud of suspicion. No one can escape it.

    You know, it could have very well been your boyfriend.

  4. Helen, you realize boys never outgrow potty humor. Like the 3 stooges it stays with us our entire lives. Entire comedy routines have been done dedicated to the silent but deadly to the rip roaring short burner. Really it’s not going to stop. EVER.

    My personal fave to drop the old love apple? Elevators. Straight face, don’t even jiggle a little holding back the laugh. Escalators are another good one as unsuspecting rider get to drift right into it. The last fav is in the car with the windows locked out. Ride with it, it’s a guy thing.

    I just need to keep a good rib guard on as I do get poked hard by the better half when she catches wind. Pun intended.

  5. Wouldn’t it be rad if it had actually been me? It wasn’t, but man, that would be something! FWIW, I too, can appreciate scatological and fart humor. I just can’t appreciate their smell.

  6. Wouldn’t it be rad if it had actually been me? It wasn’t, but man, that would be something! FWIW, I too can appreciate scatological and fart humor. I just can’t appreciate their smell.

  7. It’s funny that smells are tolerated, but not sounds.

    Would we complain if the film were in smell-o-vision?

    “Hey! You’re messing with my perceptions man!”

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