When Is It Proper to Call A Total Stranger an A__Hole? (fill in the blanks)

Busy night on Franklin, part 3 of 3 (part 1part 2)

After the unsuspicious package and the mangled car wreck, I was hoping to call it a night – needed sleep for today’s Dragon Boat Race. Back at home, I heard some yelling outside – drunkards, nothing unusual, so at first I ignored it. Five minutes later, the shouting continued, so I headed up to the roof to see what the commotion was.

There, on the corner of El Cerrito Pl. and Franklin were four club kids, two of them dead ringers for Bruno. They were trying to shout down cabs… and assorted comments at other passing vehicles… and trying to flirt with the girl from my building who’d been woken up and yelled at them to shutup.

If they were serious about getting a cab, this would never end. Its Los Angeles. You don’t hail cabs here. At least not in a residential area on Franklin.

Knowing full well that if the police didn’t respond to the accident, they sure as hell wouldn’t care about some inebriated Eurotrash causing a public disturbance. Best I could do would be head down, and ask them politely to shut their pie holes.

So I did. I walked out. I put on my best friendly face and walked over to them and said, “Hey guys, can you keep it down? You’re waking up everyone.”

Sure enough, at least two people from my building, a handful of others from the building across the street, were peering outside.

Bruno #1 tried to distract from his friends yelling by pointing out he lived on the block, and that they just wanted to hail a cab. He shook my hand as a peace gesture, which meant little especially when Bruno #2 said to me, “It’s a Friday night, man, people shouldn’t be asleep.” He said this without a glint of sarcasm. Alas, this is when I said, “Why do you have to be an asshole?”

Suddenly, the tone shifted, and all four of them faced me. “We were trying to be friendly,” Bruno #1 said. “But if you’re going to call my friend an asshole…”

“If someone woke you up by yelling outside the window, you’d call them an asshole too.”

“Why do you have to be like that?”

“Dudes, just keep it down.”

As I walked back inside, another tenant was coming out with some stern words, and yet another had walked out of the opposing building (where Bruno #1 claimed to live), grumbling about the loudness.

Unfortunately, there’s no amusing resolution to this non-incident. Except that next time I’ll have to remember to keep a stash of water balloons on the roof.

6 thoughts on “When Is It Proper to Call A Total Stranger an A__Hole? (fill in the blanks)”

  1. Could’ve maybe informed the lads of the futility of their efforts and called them a cab. Might’ve quelled things.

    This second-guessing has been brought to you by a fella who doesn’t know what a “Bruno” is.

  2. I’ve been pondering how to make stink bombs … stealthy ones that you’d fling with a slingshot or something. They’d burst silently nearby and create such a foul odor that the folks, no matter how inebriated would move on.

    Of course in my masterful chemistry the odor would be extremely short lived or perhaps you could deactivate it with water or something, just so we could turn it off after the disturbance was chased off.

    Okay, I’ve come up with the brilliant tactical idea, could someone invent that for me?

  3. Dark window. Wrist rocket available at Walmart. Large solid seed pods or nuts. Voila a hurt with biodegradable evidence. Much more satisfying than yelling names.

  4. Frazgo, my man, I was going to suggest a wrist rocket myself. Of course, I also used to fantasize about stringing piano wire up on the stairwell of the building I lived in when I lived downstairs from an ad-hoc sorority.

  5. Like I always say, “there’s ass***** everywhere
    you go”, you can’t avoid them, they just seem to find you. L.A. seems to be the capital.

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