Skunk Fun: A short play in 3 acts I:

Baby Skunk 1: Hey, let’s go fuck with the yuppies!
Baby Skunk 2: Yeah, yeah, fuck with the yuppies, yeah!
Baby Skunk 1: We’ll parade up and down outside their bedroom window all night, yeah!
Baby Skunk 2: Naw, man, that’s boring, we’ve been doing that for months. Look, let’s crawl into the cleanout door at the foot of their chimney! Right here! It’s under the bedroom fireplace! C’mon!
Baby Skunk 1: Naw, man I can’t squeeze in through that leetle door like you can! But cool! They’ll never tell the difference between outside stink and inside stink! Roll around in there some, man!
Baby Skunk 2: Haw, yeah! Fuckin’ yuppies! Hey, wait, I can’t get out! Or maybe I’m sick!
Baby Skunk 1: Laterz. I’m off to catch some grubs.

(Time passes)

Baby Skunk 2: Ugh. Starving. Growing faint. Light’s going dim. Goodbye, cruel world! URKKK!

(He expires) …

Act II:
Me: Dear God, what is that smell?!?
Wife: Dear God, what is that smell?!?

(2 days pass while Me fruitlessly attempts to hire a chimney sweep. Finally … )

Me: Hello, Family’s Chimney? Something died in our chimney, do you remove that kind of thing?
Jorge: Sure, that’ll be $250.
Me: Anything! Please come quick!

Act III:
(A rank, tangible stench now permeates every room of the house. Every window and door is open. The fans are on full blast. Me is struggling to focus on work in his home office and doing a poor job of it.

Enter Jorge, stage left. He is sweating, with a mask over his face.)

Jorge: It’s a skunk.
Me: God, can you get it out?
Jorge: Well, we’ll have to break the bricks around cleanout door to get it, the door’s too small, and we’ll have to replace it. It’ll be about $400. You also need rain caps on your chimney, you’re getting water inside your chimney, and there’s a lot of cement blocking the damper in the bedroom.
Me: Whatever, but please, just the skunk now – Anything! Please! and his Assistant don rubber gloves and take hammer and chisel to the bricks around the 8-inch-wide cleanout door. The smell would kill a meth-crazed Hell’s Angel. They work steadily.

Jorge shines a light down inside the chimney box inside Me and Wife’s bedroom.)

Jorge: Here, you can see it from here! My light’s down in there. Go take a look!
(Me looks in, with moistened bandanna mask, barely mastering the urge to barf)

Me: Jesus CHRIST!

(Me snaps a few pictures showing the skunk and Assistant’s shovel.

Finally, unable to bear it, Me retreats outside where Assistant is shoveling out the chimney foundation.

At last, he brings out the skunk’s tail.

Just. The tail.

The rest comes out in four or five wet shovelfuls of skunk parts. )

Me: Jesus CHRIST! Did you get it all? Si, creo que si. Es todo.

Me: Oh my god, thank you so, so much!

(Assistant bags the filth and vanishes with it before Me can collapse and kiss his feet.

Eyes tearing, Me hurriedly writes Jorge a check.)

Me: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!


9 thoughts on “Skunk Fun: A short play in 3 acts”

  1. Damn…you’re a yuppie? I thought all those were banished to Tustin years ago. Does that mean you are Republican too?

    That is too funny. Enjoyed every stinking word of it. Pun intended.

  2. Last time I was at your house I think I saw these two characters. A big family across the street was walking right towards them as I approached my car, and I ran to them to warn them not to run around, so that none of us would get maced.

    And hey, stop being so ashamed of your GOP love. It’s making you very rare these days.

  3. Really funny. I loved it.
    Suggest the following epilogue:

    Bush: Damn skunks. I think we should invade Iran and finish all of them off.

  4. I think I want to hear Baby Skunk 1’s side of the story, you paint it as an uncaring friend. Surely it was going to round up some help.

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