It’s Speed meets The Transporter meets Replacement Killers… for Creature Corner got me on a lot of mailing lists, mostly PR companies. I get press materials and screening invites for all sorts of movies, not just horror. I realize it wouldn’t be reasonable to have separate mailing lists for every genre, but it was pretty funny that time I got an email inviting me to promote the Electric Company DVD on Creature Corner.

Today’s email brought a teaser poster (see right) and plot synopsis for Crank, which appears, at a glance, to be the worst movie due out this year (though possibly so bad it’s good). I just had to share the (incredibly poorly written) synopsis with you:

Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is about to begin his morning with an unexpected wake-up call. Groggy, practically unable to move and with a heart that’s barely beating, Chev answers his cell phone and hears the voice of thug Ricky Verona, who reveals Chev has been poisoned in his sleep and has only an hour to live.

As it turns out, Chev is a hit man who freelances for a major West Coast crime syndicate. And a run of the mill job the night before that was supposed to be like any other hit went unexpectedly awry: Chev let his target go in an effort to quit the professional killing business and start a new life with his girlfriend Eve.

Now, Chev must keep moving – literally – to stay alive. The only way to prolong the poison from stopping his heart is to keep his adrenaline flowing. As the clock ticks, Chelios cuts a swath through the streets of Los Angeles, wreaking havoc on those who dare stand in his way. He must rescue Eve from danger, stay two steps ahead of his nemeses as they try to eliminate him, and search for an antidote to save his own life.

Alas, poor Lions Gate…

5 thoughts on “It’s Speed meets The Transporter meets Replacement Killers…”

  1. The plot is a pure rip-off of “DOA” and we’ve already had one bad remake of that noir classic already. Poor Lion’s Gate indeed.

  2. Saw this movie at a screening with my boyfriend in Chatsworth, CA, but it was called “The Hit”. I was hoping Amy Smart was going to be there, but I guess it was for a test or something. It was AWESOME. It was like Run Lola Run, but better. The Transporter guy did the craziest stunts, and Pedro from Napoleon is in it. It’s a bit like a Tarantino movie, but in a good way. I don’t want to spoil it, but Amy Smart does something in Chinatown that will go down in history. It was a bit violent though.

  3. I heard Dwight Yoakam plays a doctor in it??? Does he play country music for the soundtrack too? Very curious about this Chinatown thing. Tarantino is good, but I LOVED the Transporter. He is great in every movie, so I guess I’ll check it out.

Comments are closed.