Welcome to Hellywood

Six Six Six Days of Satan! Day 3

For those of you beginning to worry that Satan will bring in the Apocalypse on Tuesday, right here in Los Angeles, all I can say is that the signs, indeed, have been all around you.

For me, anyway, the signs were evident from the moment I arrived in Los Angeles about thirteen years ago. The LA riots had happened little more than a year before, and within a month of my arrival I could see the whole of Malibu on fire. Ash dropped down on as if it were a light flurry while the sunset took on a rich blood red tone that filled the sky. A few months later we were hit by the Northridge Earthquake, and a couple months after that El Nino rains hit, causing mudslides in the still devastated Malibu area.

The filmmaking community is equally aware of Los Angeles being, at the very least, a gateway to hell.

In Bedazzled, the Devil (played by Elizabeth Hurley) reads from her contract:

“Paragraph one states that I, the Devil, a not-for-profit organization, with offices in Purgatory, Hell, and Los Angeles, will give you seven wishes to use as you see fit.”

Keanu Reeves is able to visit hell in Constantine, and where is it located? Right on top of the 405 Freeway!

As for signs we can all see, you can begin looking at the nearest phonebook. And what’s the freakin’ prefix of the phone numbers all over Silverlake? 666!

While it isn’t the full triple digit threat, Santa Monica Blvd. was once better known as Route 66… close enough considering its passes through that city of unearthly sin – West Hollywood! Pro-nuclear Ronald Reagan’s Beverly Hills estate was at 666 St. Cloud Dr. (although he had the post office change the number to cover up the obvious).

For the numerically disabled, one only needs to venture to Hollywood, where the boulevard is lined with pentagrams.

And as if we needed another sign – we’re being hit by a hellish heatwave!

If anyone can provide me with other signs they’ve seen around town, please leave it in the comments.

5 thoughts on “Welcome to Hellywood”

  1. If you intend to amuse, you sure are good at it! Brilliant, in fact!

    If, Ford forbid, you are serious, go rot in the cosmic energy field you idiot!


  2. In the under-rated modern noir thriller “Playing God” (1997), David Duchovny says: “Sometimes in life, we are given a choice between being a slave in Heaven or a star in Hell. And Hell does not always look like Hell. On a good day, it can look a lot like LA.”

    Mark this as People’s Exhibit 1B, Markland.

  3. Cy Quick:

    I’m dead serious! The end is f’ing nigh!

    But don’t worry about me… I just joined a Satanic cult (online registration paid via PayPal) so I’ll be safe while the rest of you suckers burn!

  4. We must have landed in LA about the same time. I was renting half a guesthouse on Mullholland near Beverly Glen and I remember driving home one night from WeHo — the Malibu fires just made the sky glow. It was freaky,

  5. Is Hell located in the City of Angels? You, me and Mike Davis (City of Quartz, Ecology of Fear) know it: today driving through Topanga on the way to the beach I saw a (sculpture of a) pig with wings. Last Saturday night I drove up to Mt. Pinos near Frasier Park to look at stars: instead we got 29 degrees, total cloud cover, and a freak snow storm. Ok, more like the suburbs of Hell, but frozen over nonetheless.

Comments are closed.