Below is a transcript of a telephone call with the governator that took place only in my head, but now that he only wants voters who agree with his bullshit agenda to go out of the polling place next week because a low turnout is the only way he’ll win, this call could very well happen, I swear!
Me [answering the phone]: Hello?
Arnold: Hello dare. Dees eez duh governor of caulifourneeya calling. May I speak wit William Camp Bell?
Me: It’s Campbell, you ass. One word. Like the soup. Mmm Mmm good. Try it again.
Arnold: Camp. Bell. May I speak wit Willi –.
Me: No. Cam and bull together. Cam… bull. Campbell. Once more.
Arnold: No. Dis eez not important. You are Mr. Camp –. You are him?
Me [sighing]: Fine. Yes, I am him. What do you want, you idiot. You ridiculous excuse for a political leader. You illegitimate and usurping novice and despicably opportunistic pretender to the California throne?
Arnold [ignoring me]: I just wanted to tell you that, uh… you are I suppose aware of the election next week?
Me: Oh, you suppose right, Mr. Governator. The one in which I’m going to vote no on propositions 74, 75, 76, and 77 simply because they have your chalky pseudo-reforming special-interested fingerprints all over them? And 78, too, because it’s paid for by the drug companies who probably have you in their hip pocket as well.
Arnold: Fine. Whatever. Sticks and stones, right? Look, I am not calling to debate you Mr. Camp Bell.
Me: I’d be shocked if you were Mr. Ah Nold. How is it you can be one-dimensional and two-faced?
Arnold: Nevermind that. What I am is calling you wit fantastic news: the election has been cancelled.
Me: Oh, is that so?
Arnold: Yah. Cancelled. Terminated, ha ha! And I‚Äôm calling a sampling of voters to help spread the word that I’ve really been listening to dah people and so I am cancelling the election. It”s fantastic!
Me: Really now, a sampling is it? Why that’s fascinating Mr. Schwarzenpooper. What made you come to such a desperate and lame tactic and then believe that I would buy it?
Arnold: Yah, well dis eez not important. What’s important is that now there is no reason for your kind to go out to your polling place and vote next Tuesday.
Me: “Your kind?” You mean like lepers and democrats and such?
Arnold: Yah — I mean NO! I mean… HA! Lepers, funny. Well, thank you for discussing this with me Mr. Camp Bell.
Arnold: Yah. And remember not to vote on November 8. Because it’s just no longer necessary.
Me: Oh, but I think it is necessary. Now, more than ever.
Arnold: Well, I have to be going now, but –.
Arnold: Don’t what.
Me: Don’t say it.
Arnold: Say what?
Me: I’ll be back.
Arnold: Why not?
Me: Because you won’t.
Arnold: Well then, Hasta la vis –.
Me [hanging up]: Noooo!