Help Wanted: Sea Lion Shooer

It’s been a long time since any of us here in The City of Angels picked on of our dear brothers and sisters down in The OC.

I intend to take a break from CROC WATCH!!11 to correct this terrible oversight, right now.

It appears that, in the venerable Newport Harbor, a group of seals are wreaking havoc on residents and boats. A “rogue sea lion” allegedly flipped over a sea kyak, in what is being called “a shocking and horrible example of harbor rage,” and a rowdy group of fifteen sea lions managed to sink a local’s fifty-foot sailboat. Recovering the vessel cost the sailboat owner $3500 (or about eighteen cents, in non-fifty-foot-sailboat-owning dollars.)

So what is The OC doing to help save The OC from this horrible crisis in The OC?

To protect themselves, some boat owners have strung barricades made of wire and milk carton around their crafts. Harbor officials are considering using underwater firecrackers, predator sounds, scarecrows and hiring a “sea lion shooer” to walk around banging a stick on the docks to disturb them.

We’ve got an abundance of people up here in Los Angeles who walk around banging sticks together, The OC, so if you’d like to borrow one, have one of your assistants give us a call, and we’ll get it set up.

(For the record, The OC, we from Los Angeles did not plant the loveable little sea lions in your harbor, I swear. I think I heard The 909 talking about it, though, so you may want to hop into your luxury SUV and drive up the 15 and see what you can find. Good luck!)

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6 Replies to “Help Wanted: Sea Lion Shooer”

  1. That’s fantastic. I kayak in the ocean on a semi-regular basis and occasionally the wonderful LA/Ventura county Dolphins will come up to my boat. They’re nothing but friendly and oftentimes invite me to fish and seawater back at their pad. I usually can’t go because I have to go to work. Maybe I should tell them to chat with their Sea Lion friends and set up some sort of 12-step program for the one’s with “Harbor Rage.” Just wait for the Kayak to kayak shootings coming up. LA is great city :D

  2. personally, sea lions should be treated like any other violent offender – locked in prison for a nice long sentence. i will not stand for these transgressions. color me goddam outraged.

  3. Wil,

    I hate to inform you, but the 15 doesn’t go through the OC. To get out to the 909 we must take the 91. I understand how this can be confusing to you, most people in The LA don’t know there is anything outside of The LA. Just let me know if you have any other questions about the OC, I’ll be sure to set you strait.

  4. It’s actually illegal to harrass any sea lion, no matter how obnoxious they may be. I lived in a Marina del Rey townhouse on A basin a couple of years ago, and one of the employees was videotaped harrassing a sea lion to get him off a dock. The guy was fired on the spot and faced some pretty serious legal problems.

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