I’ve done my share of mountainbiking of late, but it’s been awhile since I’d saddled up and cycled in traffic. Doing so to my place of employment not just for today’s designated “L.A. County Bike To Work Day,” but the previous three days as well, I’ve had no choice but to become reaquainted with some of the driving habits, behaviors, attitudes and opinions (and let me not forget decrepit road conditions) that make L.A. such a lip-smackin’ cyclist’s paradise.
So in the interest of helping better assimilate cyclists into the grand transportation scheme, I’ve devised the following short and simple quiz that seeks nothing more than to gently and unbiasedly educate those of you vehicular operators who may have a willingness to share the road with your two-wheeled cousins:
The “The Better To Share The Road With” Quiz
Complete the following sentences:
1) Cyclists _______________________________________ .
a) should all just get their driver licenses out of suspension so that they can get their AA meetings the real American way: in a car by themselves.
c) should stay on the sidewalks with the crackhead pedestrians and homeless people.
d) are cool because that means that much more gas and oil for the rest of us to burn.
2) After stopping at an intersection, before turning left or right, _______________ .
a) whatever you do, only look in the direction opposite from where the shitbird cyclist might be coming.
b) you should creep your car out far enough and then stop suddenly so as to force a cyclist with the right of way to make an evasive manuever to avoid hitting you. Then observe their facial reactions; they’re hilarious.
c) answer/dial your cellphone.
d) motion for the cyclist to pass and then punch the accelerator, cutting them off.
3) When driving alongside a cyclist, ____________________ .
a) it’s OK to get as close to them as possible, especially when the road curves. Afterwards, be sure to get ahead of them and cut in front… while braking.
b) throw something out the window at them. They love that.
c) honk the horn just to see if they’re awake. They love that, too! Especially if you simultaneously yell that they suck.
d) distract yourself by making a cellphone call or punching the presets on your car stereo.
4) You’ve just done something that visibly irritates a cyclist and quite possibly could have severly killed them. You should _____________________ .
a) offer an apologetic, supplicatory gesture such as a shrug of your shoulders or a slap of your wrist.
b) provide an entirely nonapologetic, offensive gesture augmented with verbal abuse.
b) acknowledge that something happened but that it was all the cyclist’s fault ó no way in hell was it yours.
d) shoot the bastard.
5) Marked and designated bike lanes are _________ .
a) just a suggestion and a stupid one at that.
b) a damn waste of good asphalt.
c) thankfully kept in a worse state of repair than the part upon which cars drive.
d) the absolute best place to not pay attention when throwing open wide your car door after you’ve parked.