Between the rain, the freeway flooding, the mudslides, the funnel clouds, the sabertooth tigers wandering the streets, televangelists being taken up, doomed movie billboards attacking passing motorists, and Chris Rock controversy-pimping the Oscars thanks to the Grammys tanking in the ratings… well it’s been a little intense around SoCal lately.
With that in mind, and in the spirit of Jim’s recent It may be Winter today, but Spring is coming post, I present the following skit, starring a Dodgers coffee mug as “Gallant” and an Original Pantry mug as “Goofus.”
The scene is a kitchen counter. Morning. Outside, God is threatening to renege on the whole “not flooding the earth” thing.
Gallant: I can’t wait for baseball season to start!
Goofus: Are you kidding me? Baseball is all fake steroid crap! Bah!
Gallant: Well, all sports have their problems. Just look at basketball and the fighting, or hockey and the lockout, or soccer and the riots, or football and its lack of existence in Los Angeles.
Goofus: Polly Anna!
Gallant: There’s no need for name calling. Anyway, it will be nice to sit in the sun this summer in Chavez Ravine, when the rain will be a distant memory.
Goofus: Surrounded by drunken yahoos, waiting for Milton Bradley’s head to explode.
Gallant: Now, now, they are doing their best. Why, look at last year. They won the Pacific Division and nearly went all the way!
Goofus: Oh, yeah. And how many of the players that took them there are left?
Gallant: Well, I–
Goofus: For God’s sake, they fired the guy who came up with the GAME OVER Gagne slogan!
Gallant: I’m not listening to you. You’re just a wet blanket.
Goofus: Shawn Green is gone and Hee-Seop Choi is the First Baseman. Jose Lima is gone. So is Alex Cora.
Gallant: LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Goofus: Adrian. Beltre. Is. A. Mariner.
Gallant: LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!! And anyway, I’m sure the Dodgers have a perfectly good explanation for everything. And Tommy Lasorda was just made special advisor to the chairman! He’ll get everything back on track. Besides, all fans hate management. We’re no different than anybody else. Think about the fans just to the south. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim?
Goofus: Ick! Ack! That’s just gross! Get me in the dishwasher!
FADE TO BLACK
And scene. But no matter what stupidity management is showing, no matter how soon Dodger Stadium will be renamed “The WalMart Baseball Experience,” the simple fact remains: baseball season is starting soon. And that’s a very, very good thing.