Blind Dates or a blind eye to dating?

So now that I’m unexpectedly single (gag!) I guess I have to start dating again.
My last boyfriend seemed so perfect, I thought those days were over. But that’s the thing about life…it always changes. So this past Saturday night I succumbed to girlfriend pressure and went on a blind date. He was nice enough on the phone. Not too exciting, but hey, don’t be so hard on a guy…
When he called a second time and asked me to go to dinner, I thought, why the hell not?
Time to get out of the house, end this break-up funk and get the juices stirring again.

So I meet him at The Edendale Grill, his suggestion. It’s a sort of sophisticated/trendy kinda pricey joint in Silverlake. Used to be a real firehouse, good solid food, decent pinot noir and tableside Caesar salad. I had the braised short ribs, which rocked! So sweet and the meat is falling off the bones, perfectly grilled parsnips and polenta. Yummy! The only downer was that they had no espresso to finish up with…only weak, light brown coffee.

He’s pretty good looking…. but the no-sparks phone call should have tipped me off…. ten minutes in and my heart sank. His mom picks out his furniture and tableware, he’s on the fast track to marriage and babies, would NEVER partake in a hallucinogenic experience (better not tell him about my New Years Eve and those purple mushrooms!), and when I say American white bread, I’m not talking the wonder kind. And not once did he stop talking about himself long enough to ask me about my life. The nerve!

But even more galling, he hemmed and hawed when the check came till I caved and asked if he wanted to split the check…. AND HE SAID YES!!!!
Big first date no-no. I’m a modern girl and all, I’m fine with paying my way…. but on a first date?

I guess I’m old-fashioned that way. So when he emailed me today to see if I wanted to get together again…. I gathered up my courage and decided to be honest.
There would never be a second date. No pay, no play…. jeez that sounds crass….but that wasn’t the real reason…more like: you’re so fucking boring it makes me want to bolt for the door.
Which means I wasn’t even honest after all.

Where oh where do you find the love in LA?

32 Replies to “Blind Dates or a blind eye to dating?”

  1. Wow, that’s a bummer! Good story, though. And, nice that you were even partially honest with the guy and at least told him there wouldn’t be another date. If more women were honest with us we might finally be able to figure it out and get it right.

  2. guys should pay for everything. at all times.

    that dude was a dud, im glad you sent him a little message.

    im not sure where to find love in la either, but that speed dating concept sounds interesting.

  3. Strikes one and two for being a bland me-me-me momma’s type, Then he late-inning dutches on check? That cad’s outta there! Good for you benching him.

  4. wow! I’m stunned! I thought I was gonna catch a lotta flack on this one for whining about splitting the check….Thanks guys! good to know I”m not alone in the etiquette of the mating dance!

  5. Isn’t re-entering the dating world a pain? I just backed in last weekend with a no spark guy. He’s nice and all (and pays for everything) but no spark.. Argh.. when does it ever get easier?

  6. The male should only be expected to pay if he offers the invitation. Likewise, the female.

    Tammara: Next time, be more honest. “No connection” creates a better world than “no pay, no play” which creates nasty comparisons between LA women and prostitutes.

  7. man, that guy has less buzz about him then the idea of getting back into the dating game itself. and if you ever figure out where to find the love in la give the rest of us a tip.

  8. Hi Tammara,
    Congrats on taking the big step and going on a date!
    Its always hard after a breakup, even a bad one, actually esp. after a bad one. Unless your very lucky expect at least one unfortunate ‘rebound’ guy that you’ll probably stay with for a couple months and then realize you have nothing in common and break up. After that you’ll probably be in a safer place to make sane dating decisions. For some reason it usually works out that way.
    But, in the mean time, to answer your question, you have to ask yourself a question: what do you like to do and what subjects are you interested in? If you like music go see new bands, maybe take a night class about music theory at ucla extension. If your interested in art maybe take an art class at art center at night and go to more openings. If you like hiking (okay, not in this weather though) maybe try sierra club singles hiking meets.
    You want to meet someone who has some shared interests with you right? Well, Im sure theyre other great single guys out there that would love to meet a woman with similar interests too. At worst, you may make new friends and learn something, see new things and go on fun adventures. Nothing is more attactive to other people than a happy, going places, doing fun stuff person.
    I dont reccomend internet dating- dont even go there.
    No, no, no. Period.
    I do agree about the first date pay thing, after that you can trade off, go dutch, whatever, but there is something reassuring about the first date pay thing. Maybe its the understanding and apreciation of the fact that one day you could potentially be the mother to his childern and holding his hand for the 50+ years of your lives. Paying is not about the money, its symbolic gesture of appreciation and if a guy dosent get that, dont bother with him, theres plenty others that will.

  9. OK, seeing as nobody has stepped up yet, Iíll provide the flame-bait.

    If I went on a first date and the woman automatically expected me to pay, Iíd be just as turned off. I think itís inappropriate, especially on a first-date, blind-date situation, where no previous relationship has been established. You donít really know anything about the other person in that situation, and I think itís a mistake to assume anything about them: political opinions, musical tastes, ANYTHING – much less common views on gender roles.

    And forget about recognizing that this person could potentially be the mother yadda yadda yadda – those odds are MIGHTY long. How about recognizing that two supposedly equal individuals are meeting to see if thereís interest in pursuing an ongoing relationship? I want a complementary, equal partner, not somebody who I need play gender-stereotype games with. Then again, Iím single, so what the heck do I know?

    All that being said, he still sounds like a weenie. And youíve got TONS of other reasons for that diagnosis.

  10. I met and married the first guy I dated in L.A. and it’s been great. I guess I just got lucky, though. Really, really lucky. My suggestion is to not try to find someone. When you try you always end up making excuses for people you wouldn’t even look at normallly. It’s when you’re not looking that you find someone, because people can tell when you’re fine being alone, and that’s a turn on for most people (the good ones, anyway). People like to see someone who is happy with the situation they’re in, be it a job, a relationship, or being alone for a while. So don’t go “looking”. Just chill and enjoy yourself and he’ll come along.
    As for the check splitter, what a dumbass. I believe that whoever makes the plans should pay. Or, if on a blind date, let the guy pay. It may be traditional and hokey, but it’s better than what that dork did.

  11. I’ve been out of the dating scene for a LONG time but here’s my two cents…whoever picks the restaurant and does the inviting *should* be expected to pay. However, it should also be a staple that both people should split the check and it’s a good gesture when one does.

  12. If this guy was a sheltered mama’s boy, is it possible that he is unsure about how to handle himself on a date with “today’s woman”? Maybe he was afraid of looking like an old-fashioned male chauvinist by automatically picking up the check?

    If he were someone you had really liked, you might talk it out with him and explain how it’s supposed to work. But if he bores you, just move on.

  13. No matter what he does, or how he handles the check, he’ll be applauded by some and lambasted by others. It’s not a particularly easy position to be in.

    I agree with Jay above, though – on a blind date situation, you should go dutch unless he (or you) specifically offer to pay. If someone I took out for the first the first time was offended that I didn’t pay, I’d know pretty quick that they’re not the right kind of person for me. But it’s best that these kinds of things get expressed early, before weird expectation are set up between you.

  14. I remember a “blind date” I went on set up by mutual friends. Almost sounded like the same guy I went out with here in Las Vegas! After sitting in the restaurant for what seemed like 10 hours, (yes, he was B.O.R.I.N.G!!) and the check came, I grabbed for it to pay my portion! He angrily took it from me and said, and I quote “What? You don’t think I look like I have enough money to pay for your dinner?” All I was trying to let him know (in an apparently not so subtle way) was that I was BORED and NOT interested in seeing his sorry azz again!! So, I just shook my head, let him pay and left him behind in my dust!! Oh, and the capper on this lovely evening? He followed me out to my car (ugh!) and wanted to know how I felt about us going out again! (geeeeeeesh).

    Anyway, if the man asks you out, then I agree, he should pay, but then again…depends on the situation. Oh, and good luck finding “love” in L.A. Unfortunately, it’s not geography….it’s hard and dayum near impossible, ALL OVER!!

  15. yahoo! Just what I love…lots of opinions! See! This stuff is not so easy to navigate!

    Mihals: The “no play no pay” part of me was kinda being playful and flippant with the situation….

    The truth is, splitting the check probably wouldn’t have been noticed so much if I had been interested…AND since he was pursuing, picking the place, etc…it just seemed odd.

    And yes Joan, he could have been confused and not known what to do….however, it’s a chivalry thing. There’s still that male/female traditional thing and even with modern women, it’s a nice gesture. Once you go out with someone more than once or twice, I think it’s super bad not to pick up the the tab….to take turns paying actually seems to be the easiest, most graceful way to handle it.

    And as far as finding love in LA….there are an amazing amount of extraordinary people here and many opportunities to connect …given my crazy life. It’s never been a big problem, just a new one I have been thrust into and toying with! Here’s to the adventure of life! And love everywhere!!!!

  16. ugh. yeah. dating sucks for us gays, too… I dunno if you should split the check or not. it’s very Modern Girl but we do live in a society where I still open doors for ladies (and guys I’m dating) so, who the hell knows. http://outonadate.com

  17. Does he know about this blog and will he read what you wrote? Did you mean to punish him for not being Mr. Right? Upon re-reading, I think a more graceful gesture would have been to whip out the credit card and grandly announce that the dinner was on you, and then let him be a hero and rescue you.
    Just because he wasn’t your dream date doesn’t mean he’s not a perfectly decent human. Making fun of him here seems to be sort of icky –and what other guy would want to take the chance on having the evening dissected in the blogosphere?

  18. Fear not rachel- he was so intent on telling me alllllll about himself, he didn’t pause to find out much about me. So it’s just my private musings to the world at large.

  19. Speaking of L.A. dating, there’s a great website that offers one perspective on the whole thing:

    http://ladating.typepad.com/

    Unfortunately, it hasn’t been updated since November 24th, but there’s some amusing anecdotes in there, like one guy who picked up a girl at Trader Joe’s and it turned out that she’s a stripper (which sounds like something out of Penthouse Forum).

  20. I would be rather intimidated to date someone whose blog is so widely read. Needless to say I would have to be on my best behavior which makes me somewhere betwee little and no fun to be around.

    In my experiences I find the first date check to be somewhat of an awkward situation. I often insist on paying but dont want to dismiss the woman’s offer to split. In this case I will suggest something like “How about you get it next time?”. This way I am able to acknowledge her offer and suggest a second date at the same time :).

    Then again, I am single so what do I know?

  21. Love is hard to find anywhere, though it seems that the west coast trumps everywhere else as the place with the most full of shit ‘daters’ anywhere. For some reason, it seems that the people with the least integrity flock to the west coast… Both guys and girls, all full of shit!

  22. I was a very independent and capable single woman when I met Will through match.com in November 2004. When we got to know eachother I felt very lucky to have found him. He was only my third date and he’s a keeper. He is the man of my dreams and I’m the woman he’s waited his whole life for, and it only took us 40 some years to find eachother! To the adventure of life!

  23. Certainly internet dating can be a frustrating experience that’s more often miss than hit, but I’m proof there are gems to be found in the online mines and I couldn’t be happier with the diamond of my life. I love you Susan!

  24. Obviously, you went out with this man for a free meal, not for his company. The term “gold digger” was created for people like you.

    There’s a reason the male always paid for a date back in the day. Because the male was THE ONLY ONE WITH A JOB. Now, we’re heading out of the Dark Ages, and women are encouraged to pursue their dreams, but unfortunately many of these women want it both ways: equality on paychecks, but the “old-fashioned way” on dinner checks.

    Stop treating men like ATMs and see if they respect you more.

  25. I know the first date is essential, but was what transpired really enough to elicit such a harsh reaction from you? I think he was being honest enough; at least he showed you who really was. But there was no romance. The attraction didn’t last long enough for…What again? Oh, the end of the first date. Too bad. You’ll find that love in LA soon.

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