notes from the south

I’ve been in South Central Florida for the past week and a half visiting family and doing the holiday thing. With no wifi enabled starbucks (or anything) within 60 miles of where we were staying internet has been limited to a shared dialup via a shared PC so I haven’t been using it much. Right now I’m sitting on an American flight someplace over the Gulf of Mexico on my way to Dallas and then onto Los Angeles. I’m sure I’ll have hundreds of e-mails and thousands of unread RSS feeds, but honestly I just want to be home. In LA. Home in LA.

I want to drive down the street and not see a confederate flag filling the back window of the pickup truck in front of me, AND the one next to me (I stopped counting at 35 of those, 2 days in by the way). I want to pick up the big news paper in the city and not see a bible quote on the front page. I want the top story in that paper not to be about what local athorities are doing to ensure the safety of mall with the 6 screen movie theater and the local put-put golf course from the grave terrorist threat that is obviously bearing down on them in these troubled, high-alert times. I want the sherrif quoted in that article not to also have 4-5 other titles since the same 20 people obviously hold all the local government jobs.

What I will miss is going the aformentioned mall and seeing one of the storefronts filled with a wax museum represenation of the last supper, and I’m pretty sure not coughing up the $5 to go in and see it is something I’ll regret for days. That, and target shooting 9mm handguns at the gun range in my wife’s parent’s front yard was pretty cool. One of the benefits of acrage I guess.

I did hear that things kind of fell to shit while I was gone. Earthquakes, mudslides, slow refills on sodas at Swingers… Sorry about that everyone. I’m back now so everything should be under control and I’ll try not to leave the city again for at least a few months.

Anyone else do something retarded the past few days?

(BTW, the iTunes playlist I made for the plane ride kicks mega ass.)

A So Cal New Years

Is it just me or does this New Years seem like a total drag? I don’t know anyone who’s doing anything and most people are actually still out of town. That and the threat of shit blowing up everywhere doesn’t help but that’s day to day life in LA anyway so I think people tend to shrug it off out here. We’re such a sprawl a coordinated attack would have little damage. Best place to get a group of people here in LA would be to blow up a freeway at rush hour since NO ONE is moving. Anyway what is everyone else doing tomorrow night? I’m sitting at home reading a good book (O’Reilly’s Essential CVS if you must know. Real nail biter!), popping some sominex and waiting for 2004. Exciting eh?

Good vs. evil

But really, couldn’t I just take a long shower with an active imagination?

Not having gone to the international house of hookers for quite some time, my penis says to me, “hey yo, why don’t you give yoko a visit. Good times man, good times”. And I don’t really have ethical problems here. A friend of mine once suggested that they might be held against their will, forced to be sex slaves. And i’m thinking…errr, maybe…but yoko lives in a pretty decent apartment in the mid-wilsure area, we eat all over the dam place and she drives a nice big black bmw. Her evil pimp must have a real liberal company policy. So she doesn’t really seem to be hating life. The thing is, the money I use for an hour of fun could be used toward a new jacket from abercrombie and fitch (back off man, they got nice heavy sweaters and jackets). Now they, I have an ethical problem with – them and their hiring and firing practices regarding minorites. Ugh what to do what to do.

That night, I had sex with angelina jolie while bathing myself. I guess everything worked out.

DAY OF BLING

Fo’ sho it was a bling blangin’ day of fun in LA! There is treasure everywhere in this little town and we dug up a big ole crap load of it today.

First stop was the fabric district where my artsy-fartsy-craftsy friends needed vinyl to make wallets. As my friend Stinky kept repeating, “it’s like Disneyland… it’s like Disneyland with frabric.” And unto us were showered gifts…

Find #1: The Virgin Mary beach towel and fuzzy blanket. Nothing says devoutly faithful like hey, why don’t I emblazon the Madonna’s image onto my beach and sleep paraphrenalia? It was like seeing God… except not.
Continue reading DAY OF BLING

Movie Review: Paysuck

Ben Asslick is a big piece of crap. In his latest movie, “Peiceofcrap,” Ben is all “Oh no! My memory was erased! Was I an actor? Hmmm. Well, I’m really bad at acting and no one cares what I say or do so…maybe! Or was I an electrician? Ah yes! That was it! I worked for some dude and I gave myself a bag of crap to remind myself that I was an electrician and I scored this hot babe! How could I forget that? Wowzaaa!” Then he’s all in danger and Philip K. Dick is all “I probably wouldn’t have cast Ben Assuck for my movie unless he was playing some dude who got shot in the face, but you know, I’m dead so what can I do?” It did beat Peter Pan though, but not Steve Martin with sixty kids.

Celebrity story…

Don’t get me wrong, I really did like my bath and body bubble bath soap- and why shouldn’t I, it was on the wish list my cousin requested. But not exactly sure why they included a bunch of anti-aging lotion. What are they trying to tell me. Am I looking old. Should I act my age. Was it on sale. What what what. I just like taking baths on occassion…and think of why its so dark in here (whats with the candles. Wuss) But I’ll give it a shot, its not like I ever swore off dating girls right out of high school. However, the best gift of the day – an autograph picture of jessica alba* thats says “bill, merry christmas” in big letters. And its authentic since my collector cousin got it. Jessica is on my list (number two behind angelina jolie).

*Jessica alba use to be a bitch signing stuff. And maybe it was because their was an attempted kidnapping on her when she did flipper long time ago. But maybe more because dark angel got cancelled. Too bad for her, awesome for meeee!

Bush Reminder

Just in case you forgot what an idiot we have in charge, here are a bunch of reminder quotes from the President. I bet everyone has seen this stuff, but it’s just so amazing. It’s hard to believe they’re all real, but according to the internet, they are.

“It’s clearly the budget. It has a lot of numbers on it.”

“Will the highways on the Internet become more few?”

“Like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself.”

“Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?” “Laura & I really
don’t realize how bright our children is.”
Continue reading Bush Reminder

things that make me want to slit my wrists

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Michael Jackson said he would slit his wrists before hurting a child. Made me stop and think about things, people and traditions that make almost certain death a favorable alternative:

1) That Smart & Final spokes-kid. If I have to hear him screech about getting smart one more time…

2) 1-800-Dentist commercials. Especially the knock-off of the theater scene from Annie Hall where the blonde chick in the bad hat winks and mugs for the camera. Honorable mention: the guy with the yellow teeth trying to pick up the waitress at a diner.

3) Talking action figures of any political figure or pundit. Though I imagine some men might enjoy the thought of getting their talking Ann Coulter doll naked and forcing her to do whatever they want her to do.

4) Penis enlargement spam. I don’t have a penis. I will NEVER have a penis. Even if I did have a penis I wouldn’t pop some pills from a shady internet site who sent me an email.

5) Christmas cards where even the “Love, the {insert name here} Family” is preprinted. Why bother??

6) Barbra Streisand’s piehole. As one of the five Los Angeles county Republicans, I must mention my puzzlement about her promise back in 2000. Explicitly, if Bush became President she “threatened” to move to Canada. She’s still here and my offer to help her move still stands. Same holds true for Michael Moore. I’ll even throw in a few donuts and ding dongs.

7) Uggs. Yes, still ugly and irritating outside of a snowy climate. Though secretly I’m glad they temporarily replaced the trend of wearing a dress over jeans (with the whorish spiked heels).

8) Year end “best or worst of” lists. Really, I can think of 100 ways to better spend my time rather than writing or reading them. Of course I kind of blew that one since I was too lazy to write this entry out in paragraph form sans numbers.

9) Auld Lang Syne. While I am sure there is a more depressing way to start out the new year rather than hearing this tune, I have not been able to come up with one example since NYE 2002. Besides, lots of us *would* like to forget old acquaintances, (x boyfriends, girlfriends, that annoying kid from the Smart and Final commercial). But of course we’ll all still drink a cup (or 5) of intoxicating kindness for times gone by.

10) Any mention of the word “Metrosexual.” There is nothing wrong with a man who takes care of himself. Besides, to me the word still sounds like someone who likes to have sex on various modes of public transportation.

I could go on but I won’t (you’re welcome). But feel free to suggest items I have left off the list…

Does he know its christmas…

Passing by the sam woo’s barbeque restaurant late at night, I see the parking security man standing alone kept company by the few cars parked in the small lot. He carries a gun but I don’t know if he ever uses it. He’s an alone guy. But I don’t mean lonely – I don’t know him that well. He’s just there by himself doing his job. When I eat there by myself, I wonder if he thinks the same things I do.

Greeters at pottery barn, the guess store and the gap. Thats a pretty fucking cool job. You just stand there and say “hi” to everyone. You don’t have to sell to them, you don’t have to keep an eye on them, you just say “hi”. And smiling is optional but probably preferable. How can people not like you – thats gotta be great for the self-esteem. All you have to be careful about is sore feet but just wear a comfy tennies or penny loafers and you’re all set.

How come some girls have pants that ride up the crack of their ass. Don’t get me wrong, its nice to a certain degree, but I’m just wondering why it does that. Is it special pants and are they wearing thong undies. Must they wear thong undies to obtain that effect. Whats going on there. Its almost the exact opposite of the plumbers crack. Man girl. Top bottom. Gross provocative. Yea, pretty much the exact opposite.

Why don’t the chinese have sandwiches. The mexicans have tortas and the vietnamese have…vietnamese sandwiches. And the bao is not the same. I love my people but they missed out on this one. Big time.

Waving to the security man as I walk home, he beams me a smile. Maybe he’s not thinking what I’m thinking. But maybe he knows the answer.

Merry Christmas

Xeni on NPR’s “Day to Day” — more holiday gadgets!

On today’s edition of the NPR radio program “Day to Day,” host Alex Chadwick and I chat about more last-minute gadget ideas for the geek in your life. Wireless fishfinders, bluetooth headsets for your mobile phone, and how to buy a DV cam — including my current favorite toy, the Panasonic DVX-100 (true 24P for under $3G. Sweeeeeeeet) . Link, audio stream will be available after 12PM Pacific.

Shaker One-Nine, This Here’s The Rubber Duck

I only noticed yesterday’s earthquake about two minutes after it happened, and that was just because my girlfriend phoned from Cedars Sinai (where she works, just a few miles away) to tell me about it. I originally blamed my obliviousness to the whole situation on my usually disoriented demeanor, but it was probably due to my being on the first floor of my ’20s-era tenement.

Ah, but that doesn’t make sense, either, now that I think about it. I remember my first earthquake — the one in the middle of the night back in 1999. I was in just about exactly the same spot, and I remember that it woke me up from a pretty sound slumber. I slept on a plain ol’ futon mattress back then, and I could feel the floor moving beneath me like little fists punching at my back (similar to the sensation of standing up front at a Youth of Today show). With wide eyes, I noted further commotion; it was as if some giant had placed my apartment on a freight train when I wasn’t looking and we were riding down a patch of poorly maintained rails.

Being from the Midwest, my initial reaction wasn’t, “oh, this seventy-year-old building is going to collapse and I’m going to be smeared like an unwanted crate of pimento loaf under a pile of bricks and a thousand generations of dead cockroaches! Why, sweet baby Jesus, why?”

Not at all. I was excited!

“EARTHQUAKE!” I shouted with glee! What fun!

Before the true gravity of the situation could sink in to spoil my boyish sense of wonder, though, it was over. And, since then, no tremor has occurred that would even moderately compare. I should thank my lucky stars I wasn’t here for Northridge, but I can’t help but feel like I missed out on not feeling yesterday’s little shimmy shake. I still don’t know why I didn’t feel a thing, though, but I guess some people just didn’t.

Ah, science. I should just enjoy the day and be glad our aquarium didn’t explode.

More Earthquake

That earthquake freaked me out. I was on the 29th floor of a downtown building and the thing was totally swaying for over five minutes. It was totally creaking too which is what actually freaked me out, so I ran to the elevator to escape, but the cables were all banging together which did not sound very safe, but then I heard this louder creaking like in Titanic when the ship is going down to a watery hell, so I took the elevator down with this other dude. The elevator stopped on floor 2 and a half, which it turns out is a concrete wall, then went back up to 29. Awesome. I risk the unsafe elevator just to avoid the stairs, and I end up hanging out in there during the earthquake. I waited it out near the elevator, then tried again with success…the lobby. There were a TON of people hanging around outside. I heard someone say they were outside the whole time and didn’t feel a thing. That building was totally swaying because of an earthquake that was 150 miles away that you couldn’t feel on the ground.