Below is a transcript of a telephone call with the governator that took place only in my head, but now that he only wants voters who agree with his bullshit agenda to go out of the polling place next week because a low turnout is the only way he’ll win, this call could very well happen, I swear!
Me [answering the phone]: Hello?
Arnold: Hello dare. Dees eez duh governor of caulifourneeya calling. May I speak wit William Camp Bell?
Me: It’s Campbell, you ass. One word. Like the soup. Mmm Mmm good. Try it again.
Arnold: Camp. Bell. May I speak wit Willi –.
Me: No. Cam and bull together. Cam… bull. Campbell. Once more.
Arnold: No. Dis eez not important. You are Mr. Camp –. You are him?
Me [sighing]: Fine. Yes, I am him. What do you want, you idiot. You ridiculous excuse for a political leader. You illegitimate and usurping novice and despicably opportunistic pretender to the California throne?
Arnold [ignoring me]: I just wanted to tell you that, uh… you are I suppose aware of the election next week?
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From a decorations standpoint, Halloween is not at all like Christmas. The latter’s lights and such might not come down for at least a week after that big day, but when Halloween is over, it’s done. Stick a pitchfork in it. By 8:30 p.m. after the stream of trick-or-treaters finally runs dry, the spooky soundtrack gets shut off and the pair of ghostly figures chasing each other around in the dim library (thanks to the ceiling fan) are relieved of duty.
By the following sunrise there’s just no logic to leaving the jacked lanterns out in the sun and Santa-Ana’d warmth to begin the nasty decomp slump into their own gooey-ghastliness. And that giant spider that looked so at home hanging off the side of the house last night is in need of immediate eviction this first morning of November. Thus there I was out around dawn before my morning coffee pulling down the skeletons and pulling up the tombstones and restoring the yard to its un-hallowy state.
Though I put the decorations away without looking back, it is not without mourning Halloween’s passing, and thankfully for anyone dead-icated like me still jonesing for some spooky stuff, there is Day of the Dead action to be found on Olvera Street beginning at 6:30 p.m. through November 2. Also from November 2 -5 from 6 a.m. – 8 p.m. at the Not A Cornfield Project there will be a Day of the Dead Ofrenda (offering) available for the general public to actively participate in and view.
Here’s some fun Tuesday morning info about those Red Light Cameras all over the city – They haven’t been working since June. Of course that info wasn’t made public because the people who put these things up in the first place wanted people to think they were still working. You know, a “visual deterrent” because the make the intersections safer, right? Wrong. Not only do they NOT prevent accidents, but they seem to encourage them. That’s right, accidents go UP at intersections after Red Light Cameras are installed. But the city makes more money from tickets, so that’s OK right? I mean, unless the cameras haven’t been working in months, they we get all of the accidents without any of the ticket revenue. But all will be better soon since the Council Public Safety Committee just voted 3-2 to go ahead and spend $3.12 million to double the number of red light cameras here in LA. Way to go.
Bonus – Bernard Parks, Ed Reyes and Jack Weiss voted in favor, Dennis Zine and Greig Smith (both former LAPD officers) voted against.
Santa Monica Blvd is gearing up for the annual Halloween street party tonight under today’s perfect Los Angeles rays. As I drove down it at 10am this morning, I saw stages and booths being set up and cones already in place for the street closing. So it shouldn’t have surprised me to spy a purple-fuzzied tinky-winky in full costume with headpiece. What really caught my eye though, were his purple ass-less chaps. I can only imagine what tonight will be on the street. I’ll see you there.
Wow! It’s hard to believe with this sultry summer weather, that today is the eve of the tides turning to fall and winter. It’s always such a shock that at the end of October, we’re still lolling around in this warm sunshine. To take advantage of it, yesterday my love and I drove out to Malibu in search of a hike overlooking the ocean. I used to live in Malibu and remembered a sweet trek I once took up in Coral Canyon, but couldn’t remember the exact location. So off we went on an adventure to explore. We drove to the top of Coral Canyon, where it dead ended, but that wasn’t the exact spot. I remembered a gate about a block below, so we ended up there. Walkiing down the fire road, we turned a corner to the greatest vista, views that stretched out to the Pacific on one side and warm hills of the Santa Monica Mountains on the other. There were huge rock formations, some with caves in them that we explored. It was wild to think that at one time these huge boulders were in the sea…but there it was, evidence of shells and sea fossils melded into the rocks. A terrific spot and what a place to see the sunset. Just go up PCH past old Malibu Road about two miles and take a right on Coral Canyon….go all the way up and you’re there.
USA Today (well, last week) had a feature on the Los Angeles house of horror-lover Rob Zombie and his wife Sheri Moon. Let’s just say on that bit, I’m jealous and will be making a point of scoping out the outside tomorrow night when he hangs severed limbs from trees. (!!!) But, Zombie listed his five must see movies for Halloween and I wanted to list them before I gave you my other five recommendations to make your Monday Halloween spooktacular.
Rob Zombie picks:
1. Frankenstein (1931). “The one that started it all.”
2. Freaks (1932). “As disturbing now as it was over 70 years ago.”
3. Halloween (1978). “Simple, scary and brilliant.”
4. Dawn of the Dead (1978). “Seen this 200 times and I love it more each time.”
5. The Devil’s Rejects (2005). “Whoever made this film is insane.”
1. Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things – conjuring up the dead isn’t always the best idea. I just found out that they’re re-making this movie right now. Color me more shocked than if I saw a real zombie! (Image)
2. Monster Club – Vincent Price (vampire) takes John Carradine (writer) to the monster club where he tells three horrifying tales. Monsters rule, OK?
3. The Sentinel – I am one of the Leeee-gion!!!
4. Zombie 2 – a zombie attacks a shark – folks, it just doesn’t get any better than this.
Okay, so if there’s one thing I absolutely love to do….it’s to get my groove on with some wicked dance music. Mostly I prefer small venues (think my bedroom and me dancing around in my underwear) but occasionally I will venture out into the wilds of this sacred city. I’m not giving away the dirt on my fav intimate spot (yet) in Hollywood, because a couple of my homies have vowed to strangle me if I let the cat out of the bag….but this Saturday night the place to be is “Monster Massive”. The bill includes Felix Da Housecat, who I loooooove, and almost as much fun, Deep Dish. If you want to get down with your bad self and shake the week off, check it out: LA Sports Arena, 3939 S. Figueroa St It’s a steep admission ($45) and it will be massive, but if you like dance music it should be a really great time.
323-960-5155 for info and tickets.
If you live in LA and own cats like I do you probably have had worried nights when your kitty doesn’t come home and although he or she is probably out chasing some tail you worry they are now affixed to the road thanks to a rushed or preoccupied driver. When I lived in Hollywood I never let my cat Fractal out of my apartment to roam the neighborhood except for one time and when I tried to find him the next day I heard some muffled mews coming from our parking garage and upon closer inspection I found him stuck in the engine compartment of my neighbors car, who thankfully hadn’t gone anywhere that day. When I moved to Fullerton after my apartment filled up with raw sewage I let him roam the streets until one day my roommate found him squished. I was very sad, but at least it was an accidental killing, unlike this horridly fucked up news article I just read about some sick fuck mutilating cats in a neighborhood near WeHo using a machete. If you have seen anything or know anything about this there is a $1,000 reward for information leading to an arrest of the suspect.
Eecue’s post below about the stolen bike being recovered reawakened my long-dormant aggravation at why the City of L.A. makes it so difficult to get a bicycle license. After all, beyond the assist it could provide in identifying and recovering stolen bikes, it is The Law (L.A. Municipal Code Article 6, Section 26.01(b):
No person shall operate or use a bicycle upon any street or public highway of the City unless such bicycle has been duly licensed as provided herein.
So being a current outlaw bike owner three times over, I decided to see if things have improved and no, they haven’t. The only sources of information I was able to locate on the matter from the city’s website were via the L.A. Dept. of Transportation’s (LADOT) Bicycle Services website (bicyclela.org), and a community events page at lapdonline.org.
With the LADOT webpage I was directed to contact the LAPD Juvenile Division, Youth Programs Unit at 213/485-3133 for more information — which I did, and after several rings I was listening to some wimpy equivalent of a HAL9000 telling me to leave a message after the tone. No welcome. Nothing telling me I’ve reached the right or wrong place. Just a synthetic voice then a beep. Lovely.
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I’ve just reached the last straw with my bank, the ubiquitous Washington Mutual. I’m not going to get into all the details of what happened – the short version is that there was an overage charge, which led to another one, which led to multiples on the same day. But the real problem is that there was NO COMMUNICATION from them at all about it. I only found out over a week later. Doesnít it seem odd that a company that can instantaneously transfer funds in and out of your account can only notify you of overages via snail mail? Is it technological incompetence? Or is it that they make bucketloads of money from fees, and the harder they make it to get an accurate picture of whatís in your account, the more cash they make?
I’ve had this problem with them in the past, and every time, the people I’ve spoken with at the branches have been courteous and helpful, even if there was nothing that they could do about the situation. But today, I spoke with snotty, snide, arrogant Renee, who could care less about keeping me as a customer. In the end, I just asked her what they were prepared to do to keep me as a customer. She had no answer.
I experienced this when I lived in New York -as the big banks got bigger, they started caring less and less about the smaller customers and adopted a take-it-or-leave-it attitude. Sad to see it happening here.
So I’m in the market for a new bank. Who do you use? Anybody have one that they love? That has figured out the mysteries of communicating by email?
What do you get when you combine Halloween (only the best holiday ever) and cute little dogs? Um, a big effing good time!
Yes, the fourth annual BowWowWeen festival is this Sunday from 12-4pm in Barrington Park, Brentwood. Not only are animals invited to attend, they are encouraged to enter their costume contest! Starting at 2pm, the costume contest will begin with categories such as “funniest”,” “scariest,” and “best dog and owner” costume with the grand prize “best in show” being a year’s supply of dog food! And, of course since this is LA, where would we be without the celebrity judges: Tori Spelling, Tiffani Thiessen, Constance Zimmer, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Adam West, Kate Walsh, as well as Margot Dougherty and Greg Oehler (the Senior Editor and Publisher of The Hollywood Dog Magazine).
And it’s all for a good cause too – there will be dog adoptions taking place during the festival and all proceeds will benefit the Much Love Foundation who is putting this whole shindig on. Oh, and there’s also stuff for those other kinds of children too. Most importantly however, it’s the opportunity to put that giraffe costume to use!
For complete information on the festival and the Much Love Animal Rescue please visit their website.
At around 11 this morning, what looked like two military helicopters flew so low over my building that the windows shook (hell, it seemed like the whole place shook). They seemed like they were headed north. I’m not at all familiar with military aircraft but they looked kind of like this Blackhawk, but black. They were definitely not news choppers or anything commercial or civilian – they were obviously military. I just don’t know what model, and since I saw them from their underbellies I thought I’d try and identify them by in-flight photos. Anyone else see them or know what might have been going on?
It’s not too early to make plans for DÌa de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). Xispas has a short list of some events in and around LA.
If you don’t want to paint your face like a calaca (skeleton), then maybe you can make your own Day of the Dead altar to honor loved ones who have passed away. It doesn’t need to be as elaborate as the ones you’ll find at Hollywood Forever cemetery. Simple votive candles, marigolds, pan de muerto (bread of the dead), sugar skulls, and photos are enough.
More info on Day of the Dead:
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