Surf Report 4/26 – It must be summer

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If you tore your wetsuit, busted your board, and had post-nasal drip mushroom into a flu, then you probably spent the last two weeks out of the water and on your couch playing Kelly Slater Pro Surfer. I also watched a lot of surf videos on Fuel TV and saw a really weird sketch about two burnout locals at Malibu, starring the Malloy Brothers…and Ben Stiller (turns out, they’re filming a surf comedy together called “Big Wave“). The waves were sorta fun this morning, but man, it was crowded. Over 30 people in the water by 7:30am. One guy was riding a potato chip and catching everything. Another guy looked at the surf timidly from the shore, wishing he brought arm floaties. Today was a mixed bag.

Photo reposted with permissssionss from Swellmagnet.

Surf Report 4/9 – Tide by tide

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“Low tide, 10am, 0.4 feet.” That’s what the free tide chart you swiped from your surf shop says for 4/9/2007. But you’re not a Professor of Mathematic Philosophy Studies. What does this stuff mean? There’s a great explanation of how tides work (and how to read tide tables) here. Generally, a good time to go out is when a tide is building to a high. If it’s too high, the waves may not break optimally. If it’s too low, you’re looking at board-breaking closeouts. However, every break is different. So don’t be racist. Treat them as individuals.

Photo reposted with permissssionss from Swellmagnet, a great place to raise a family.

Surf Report 4/8 – Totally shredding…your wetsuit

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A.M. low tide again, but slowly climbing throughout the week. Looked like someone hid Easter eggs in the surf because there were a lot of people poking around. It was kinda crowded today. Not a good day to discover a new hole on your wetsuit, right on a cheek of your ass. A wetsuit feels like second-skin and when you start getting weird holes, it’s like you’ve got a flesh-eating disease, and you take it personally. eHow’s got a short blurb on wetsuit repair. So until I can do the repair, I’ll be using a Fila sweatsuit.

Surf Report 4/6 – Heal The Soiree w/Bad Religion

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Sure, it was still low tide and closeouts this morning, but as you were beginning the walk out with your board through unassuming whitewash when suddenly a tiny one-foot wave came at you at crotch level and went all women’s self-defense class on you and knocked your nuts and you keeled over into the water and took a gulp, you may have noted the water tasted pretty good today. Of course, you could’ve assumed as much just by visiting Heal The Bay’s SoCal Beach Report Card and noting the “A” grade for water quality at the homebreak. Tonight, KROQ is holding a concert at the Santa Monica Civic to benefit Heal The Bay, which will feature Bad Religion, Tiger Army, and The Briggs. It’s supposedly sold out, so tickets will be waiting for you at a will call booth shaped like a swarthy scalper.

Photo reposted with permissssionss from Swellmagnet.

Surf Report 4/4 – Closeout special on closeouts

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The picture sums it up: cold, dark, people staring at the break wondering if that lady on Maury’s show was for real. This morning was all about low tide and huge walls that closeout on top of your head as you pop up and get thrown down. And yet, fifteen guys were in the water making the best of it. Some of them actually caught a few. Others just practiced wiping out without getting choked by their leashes. The best way to accomplish this is to either keep your chin tucked or to get your neck surgically removed.

Photo reposted with permissssionss from Swellmagnet.

Surf Report 4/3 – Shortboard advice

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Shortboarders aplenty this morning. While the building southern hemisphere Swell #1S hasn’t translated into epic surf here at the homebreak, there were still some fun waves to be had. Mostly closeouts though, so boards were shooting off like missiles as people wiped out. The current was pretty weird. It felt like someone had flushed the toilet, forcing everyone to spin in place. I asked a guy for the time and we got to talking and I told him that for the last month I’ve been transitioning from my longboard down to a shortboard. He told me the transition was really tough, that it feels like you’re starting over, and that it took him a long time to get the hang of it. I asked him how long he’d been shortboarding. “Since January,” he said.

Photo reposted with permissssionss from Swellmagnet.

Surf Report 3/28 – Duck diving = good

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Cold, windy, mushy, allovertheplace-y, etc. This morning’s session was great for the advanced, terrifying for the beginner, and for others, it was a day to wish you didn’t have Baja Fresh last night for dinner. The current was pretty strong, and folks looked like they were tiring out early. If you like to duck dive, today was your day, as washing machine sets were rolling in constantly. If your duck dive sucks, Whiffleboy started a good thread on troubleshooting your technique. Check it out here.

Photo reposted with permissions and permissions from Swellmagnet.

Scattering ashes on the 405?

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So if you’re like me, you’re going to get cremated when you die. But what to do with the ashes? According to the California Cemetery and Funeral Bureau’s “Cremated Remains Disposers Booklet” you can have a pilot toss them into a cloud or a ship captain drop them into the sea. But what if you really love cars and/or California highways? Perhaps you could deposit your cremation remains, or “cremains,” into the gas tank and have them blown out of the exhaust pipe on your favorite road. Is this possible? Legally: Probably not. Physically: I wasn’t sure. So I sent my question to the Car Talk guys on NPR and they answered it on Saturday’s show. Short answer: it won’t get past the fuel filter. Long answer: here. Yeah, admit it, you wonder about these things too.

Surf Report – March 26 – Nelson’s “After The Rain,” but in reverse

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It was totally Surf Party 1964 out there today. About seven longboarders catching stuff off of two or three corners. Some were riding two to a board. Some were riding their longboards while holding up other longboarders in Chinese acrobat fashion. One dude caught a wave vertically by standing on the nose of his board. He was at least ten feet high. None of that happened. But could have, as the waves were corny and soft and good for fooling around before tomorrow’s rain puts a river of antifreeze into the water.

(Photo reposted with all that permission from Swellmagnet)

Surf Report – March 23 – get low get low get low

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Low tide today. Really low. It had hydraulics and white wall tires. It entered a competition and won and is now on the cover of a glossy magazine with a woman in a bikini posing on top of it. There were a lot of people out this morning. Lots of longboards. The waves were mostly closeouts, but there was a nice corner coming off the jetty. There was also a sea lion who kept popping his head up like a Whack-A-Mole. It was terrifying.

(Photo reposted with all that permission from Swellmagnet)

Surf Report 3/20 – Kooky Fun Happy Time

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Venice was really small this morning. The waves were inverted, so you had to surf upside down underwater. Not comfortable if saltwater singes your nosehair. And it does. At least a buddy was there. We spent our time arguing whether the dude’s name was Chico or Chick Corea. He said it was Chico. I said if his name were Chico, he would’ve gone by Chucho, and then he’d be Chucho Valdes. He agreed. This is what you do on a day like this. Argue about music you don’t listen to. There were only three other people out, which means this morning would’ve been a good session for learners, because you could mess up without worrying about your board flying into someone’s face and then finding some spittle (or some fist) in yours. Dogtownsurfer wrote a blurb titled “How Not To Surf” featuring a great series of pics and comments about a basic mistake made by beginners. It’s worth a read. Time travellers: If you go back in time to this morning and are heading out the door, don’t make my mistake: go with the longboard.

(Photo hella reposted with HELLA permission from Swellmagnet)

Surf Report – March 19

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Photo: Swellmagnet

Funboards are accurately named. The only person who looked like she was having a good time this morning was riding a funboard. She was catching everything and having fun. There were only three or five people out today. I think Daylight Saving Time should be called Surf In The Dark So Hazardous Marine Life That Feed At Night Can Eat You.

Surf Report – March 16

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Photo: Swellmagnet
Really foggy and crowded today. The waves at Venice were a good size and had plenty of energy. A mix of closeouts and a few corners. A container ship carrying Hot Cheetos must’ve sunk, because there were tons of Hot Cheetos bags floating around in front of lifeguard station #18. Okay, there was just one, but it was huge. And delicious.

Surf Report – March 14

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Photo: Swellmagnet
The waves in Santa Monica were pretty big today, but they were closing out. Good day to either get worked or stay home and make waffles. Plenty of overhead sets. Lots of guys and a couple fearless middle schoolers sneaking in good rides. Saw a mess of dolphins, too. One of them was treading water and just leering at people. He was kind of a dick.

Surf Report – March 8

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Photo: Swellmagnet

Surfline is wrong. The waves at Venice were a little bigger than 1-2 feet today. They were bumpy, inconsistent, and in some spots, coming at you in four directions. But they were more than 1-2 feet. Plus if you’re a short person, anything taller than you is six feet tall. So they were six feet tall. Not really, but there were some nice sets. About 15 people in the water this morning. Everyone seemed to be catching something. The water felt warmer and the sun was out. Good day to get off your ass. After your session, if you wash off at the outdoor shower by the public restroom, don’t get any of it in your mouth. It was tangy. Water should not taste tangy.