All posts by la_bill

Celebrity story…

Don’t get me wrong, I really did like my bath and body bubble bath soap- and why shouldn’t I, it was on the wish list my cousin requested. But not exactly sure why they included a bunch of anti-aging lotion. What are they trying to tell me. Am I looking old. Should I act my age. Was it on sale. What what what. I just like taking baths on occassion…and think of why its so dark in here (whats with the candles. Wuss) But I’ll give it a shot, its not like I ever swore off dating girls right out of high school. However, the best gift of the day – an autograph picture of jessica alba* thats says “bill, merry christmas” in big letters. And its authentic since my collector cousin got it. Jessica is on my list (number two behind angelina jolie).

*Jessica alba use to be a bitch signing stuff. And maybe it was because their was an attempted kidnapping on her when she did flipper long time ago. But maybe more because dark angel got cancelled. Too bad for her, awesome for meeee!

Does he know its christmas…

Passing by the sam woo’s barbeque restaurant late at night, I see the parking security man standing alone kept company by the few cars parked in the small lot. He carries a gun but I don’t know if he ever uses it. He’s an alone guy. But I don’t mean lonely – I don’t know him that well. He’s just there by himself doing his job. When I eat there by myself, I wonder if he thinks the same things I do.

Greeters at pottery barn, the guess store and the gap. Thats a pretty fucking cool job. You just stand there and say “hi” to everyone. You don’t have to sell to them, you don’t have to keep an eye on them, you just say “hi”. And smiling is optional but probably preferable. How can people not like you – thats gotta be great for the self-esteem. All you have to be careful about is sore feet but just wear a comfy tennies or penny loafers and you’re all set.

How come some girls have pants that ride up the crack of their ass. Don’t get me wrong, its nice to a certain degree, but I’m just wondering why it does that. Is it special pants and are they wearing thong undies. Must they wear thong undies to obtain that effect. Whats going on there. Its almost the exact opposite of the plumbers crack. Man girl. Top bottom. Gross provocative. Yea, pretty much the exact opposite.

Why don’t the chinese have sandwiches. The mexicans have tortas and the vietnamese have…vietnamese sandwiches. And the bao is not the same. I love my people but they missed out on this one. Big time.

Waving to the security man as I walk home, he beams me a smile. Maybe he’s not thinking what I’m thinking. But maybe he knows the answer.

Merry Christmas

Just another hip party…

So my friends have me over saturday for a crazy night of monopoly. Which somehow was really different than the crazy sex and drugs I imagined it to be. Afterall, they’re artist type with artist type friends and they live in silverlake to boot. But maybe thats just me watching too many movies. But there’s something about their house that freaked me out. The bathroom. They don’t have a lock on it. Not that i was doing anything i would be ashamed of but you know, no lock. And they have all these jesus candles staring down at me too, like who could masturbate to that….err, not that I was thinking of doing that but just in general, thats a lotta jesus there. About a dozen? Also, my friends – very tall. Their toilet paper roll, not to the side but in front of the porcelain stall, a good foot and a half away. So if i’m sitting down, thats a long way to go – my ass is leaving the donut. It ain’t pretty it ain’t safe thats all i’m saying. And imagine if someone…not me but someone…was doing a judge reinhold from fast times. He’s gotta turn around to grab that tp.

Yea, thats what I kept thinking about as I left a party in the hip part of town. The bathroom.

Ho Ho Ho…

What the hell, the holidays are around and its just a buzzkill around. Lets put things in proper perspective shall we.

Too bad, so sad. So there’s been a rumor that a friend of mine is taking anti-depressants. And I’m going “What?!”. What does he have to be depressed about, he’s got a home, he’s got freedom of food and he’s getting sex too. So why so glum chum. If anyone has to be depressed, its my kitty. She gets fed the same canned friskies food every day for 3 meals in a row and isn’t allowed to leave the house. The kitty’s name is sandwich but hell, that might not even be her name, maybe she has her own name, which explains why she never listens. My cat, stuck all day in this house with no toys (she seems to be fine playing with pens, scraps of paper and hand me down toysthankstypefiend) probably has all her friends on the outside, living a life of leisure and next thing you know, held prisoner in a yellow apt. building. They say that kittens aren’t likely to survive on the outside. Its probably some purina propaganda. Give me those pills. Someone here needs them more than you do.

BloggerLA. So people aren’t happy with the double posting. Well start paying us and we’ll start writing extra shit. I ain’t like the purple one who’s so prolific in his writing that he can pass over manic monday to the bangles – and where are they now? Playing at hollywood park maybe? And too many self-promo going on? Geeze, read like you’re driving a car. Once you realize, this ain’t the right way, make a u turn. Or are your reading skills like a big catapillar bulldozer. Once it goes one way, can’t stop til you get to the end. Oh wait, I’ve hardly been posting, that email must have directed to someone else.

Bush and sadam. Hooray for you. But don’t tell us its for human right issues or weapons of mass destruction. Thanks to the “information highway”, don’t try spinning that shit on us. Where are these wmd’s and if you wanted someone for crimes against humanity, why not kim jong-il of north korea. Or at least his hair cutter. Its nasty over there. Oh yea, kim chee doesn’t sell as well as oil.

And my favorite prostitute disconnect her cel phone. Now thats a bitch.

Mouth wide open

Trying to save money means going to a ghetto chinese dentist in hopes of getting the wink wink nod nod discount. But that didn’t work so well as one of the first things he said to me in cantonese was, do you speak. And I replied with “a little”. A “little” he mumbled and spoke to me in english for the rest of the session. Kiss that discount goodbye.There was a little bit of conversation but with me being doped up and two or three instruments in my mouth, who really understood what was going on.

Dentist: How many did you want out today
Yum: Hey, I have a choice?!
Dentist: Oh, all four
Yum: Psyke on me.

Dentist: Boy, this one doesn’t want to come out.
Yum: Maybe its not suppose to come out. Did THAT ever occur to you. Maybe it wants to stay home with all his other teeth friends. Its quite the nice family inside my cozy mouth and they get prime rib and roast duck quite often. Its ok little guy, I’m bringing you home with me.

Dentist: You’ll have to minimize your brleedthing.
Yum: What?! Did you say breathing or bleeding. Either way, its not happening. Unless your chart mistakenly says david blaine on it, I’m still breathing and bleeding. That moisture from my nostrils. The red thing coming out of my mouth. Its all that breathing and bleeding you want me to “minimize”.

Dentist: Your jaw might get all bruised. Black and blue but don’t panic. You might have really bad breath. But don’t panic. Don’t get into any fights, your mandible is really fragile right now.
Yum: Bad time to try hitting on ginger (the cute receptionist) than.

Dentist: Yea, ginger is a hottie.
Yum: Excuse me?

Dentist: Sometimes ginger and I have insane sex right where you’re sitting. Yea, it gets crazy sometimes.
Yum: You didn’t really say that did you.
Dentist: How would you know. You’re all doped up with a bunch of shit in your mouth.
Yum: Oh great.

Sixty minutes later, I’m mumbling my way out of the dentist’s office. I do have a follow up appointment a week later…if I want. Did I talk to ginger. Just hi and bye. Am I going to make a follow up appointment. Hell, I didn’t get no discount, I didn’t even get a complimentary tooth brush. I’m coming back for something.


Getting off the freeway in hacienda heights, you can make a right hand turn and head off to one of the larger buddhist temples in southern california. Its pretty majestic and rad. Super clean too and why not, what else do all the monks have to do all day besides learn martial arts and find new vegetarian dishes to cook.

But if you make a left off the exit, there’s a donut shop…and an unusual amount of accupressure offices (are they really called offices?) around. But what is accupressure, it sure sounds less painful than accupuncture. The latter sticks needles in your skin and the former, I guess, their big thumb. But what. All the monks down the street can’t take the pain? Don’t they have like tattoo’s of dragons and tigers on their wrist (I use to watch david carradine in kung fu, thats the real deal!). So what gives.

Well, I wanna do what the monks do. I know some martial arts. I like vegetables. I can’t wear orange but I’m willing to do other things too…like check out an accupressure place. Not being able to find these “accupressure” places on the internet, I decided to pick a place a random. Wow, they must have a nice clientelle cuz there’s some really nice cars parked outside. Walking into the lobby, the lady behind the counter shows me into a small room with a bed and small table with a lamp. A few minutes later, this woman with nice make up and a ross dress for less dress comes in and asks if this is my first time. Yea I replied. So she tells me to take off my clothes and lay on the bed. And than she starts walking on me. Wow. This is so cool…just like in enter the dragon when kelly and roper get accompanied by the girls on the island of han. And than 20 minutes later, the lights get dimmed and oh man! this really is like enter the dragon when kelly and roper get accompanied by the girls on the island of han. I’m feeling pretty good…all i know is some angry guy with a metal hand better not bust in through that door – cuz my kung fu is really just from taking classes at the park across the street from my house and watching a lot of bruce lee movies. But fortunately that wasn’t the case. It was very relaxing.

The last few times I’ve taken that freeway, I didn’t make the right to the monestary. Instead, I make that left. Into the donut shop. Who wants to be a monk anyway? I really can’t wear orange.

Who’s holiday is it anyway?

I’m fairly certain that white people do not come into ghetto chinatown to buy their turkey for the thanksgiving holiday. In fact I dare say that 20% of them are spending five to six hours in the kitchen roasting their supermarket bought poultry so the other 60% are can enjoy their fine cranapple sauce as a condiment meal. The other 20%…eating out or are vegetarians I guess.

But apparently there must be enough chinese people wanting to celebrate the holiday because sam woo’s and other restaurants in the ethnic enclave are advertising and selling roast turkeys. For about $30.00. Thats pretty fucking cool. Some immigrant is saying to themselves, “hmm, shouldn’t we be eating turkey today. Its thanksgiving for goodness sake” But hell, they don’t wanna spend their day cooking some foul fowl. So they must be going down the block to buy their meal. And you know what, that turkey is pretty damn good. A little salty but still good. Even three days later, the meat was still moist. I guess thats adjusting to america.

How do I know this. I live in ghetto chinatown and yea, I had a roast turkey from sam woo’s. It was delicious.