Freakuent Flyers

April 21, 2011 at 7:08 pm in Education, Politics

There must be some political rule regarding the inverse proportionality between low-profile elections and the crazy high amount of mailers involved, and it’s being proven once again with the LAUSD board seat that’s being fought over by candidates Bennett Kayser and Luis Sanchez, to be settled with an election May 17.

In the last couple weeks or so it’s been relatively and quietly steady. I could count on finding one or maybe two crumpled pieces of competing propagandii in my mailbox every couple days or so. Maybe the pictures are different, but the messages are generally the same. Kayser will be grinning avuncularly at me in one telling me what an absolute godsend of a problem-solving gem he will be to the district while slagging on Sanchez as some sort of pigsucking republicant bureaucrat Villaraigosa-lap dog. Then on the next glossy sheet is Sanchez looking calm and confident telling me about his mom and his LA Times endorsement and warning me not to listen to what that liberal democrap windbag Kayser says because he’s a fulla-shit bureaucrat too who doesn’t pay his taxes and probably chronically double parks and maybe even let’s his dog shit all over the neighbors’ yards.

It’s “he said, he said” negative smear tactics, none of which I give a festering rat turd about.

But today was a banner day for my mailbox. A record breaker.  And because of it now I care deeply and with all my withered heart. Because as pictured below my mailbox was packed with a total of 12 different pieces of campaign bullSHIT — many of them duplicates, many of them multiple pages — and all of them going unread straight into my recycle bin and leaving me wanting to vote both of these bums off the island instead of into the ivory school board tower.

So here’s how it’s going to play out leading up to election day. Short of me writing in a candidate or just a series of swear words on my ballot, I’m gonna keep a tally starting tonight — today’s pile of campaign garbage breaks down to Kayser: 8, Sanchez: 4 — and the blowhard smearbag who stacks up the least number of meaninglessness sent to me through the USPS come May 17, is the one whose box I’ll check.

UPDATED (4/25): 2 more anti-Sanchez flyers from the Democratic Party in the mailbox Saturday: Kayser:10, Sanchez: 4.

UPDATED (4/26): Just when I think Kayser’s pulling away, Sanchez comes roaring back with four bitch slaps at his opponent in today’s mail: Kayser: 10, Sanchez: 8.

UPDATED (4/28): Two 16-page monstrosities from Kayser opens up his “lead” again: Kayser: 12, Sanchez: 8.

UPDATED (4/29): This is turning into a runaway. In the mailbox were 8 from the Kayser campaign to only 2 from Sanchez’s side. Kayser: 20, Sanchez 10. Luis is going to have to work pretty hard to out-slag Bernie. But then again, he who uses my mailbox as a slagzone least, gets my vote.

UPDATED (4/30): Sanchez lands 2 today, Kayser takes the day off. Kayser: 20, Sanchez: 12.

UPDATED (5/2): Sanchez drops 4 today, Kayser’s again napping. Kayser: 20, Sanchez, 16.

UPDATED (5/6): Ugh. 12 total flyers in my mailbox today. Kayser loads it with 8 pieces of crap while Sanchez brings only 4. Kayser: 28, Sanchez: 20.

UPDATED (5/7): Dirty Sanchez comes a-roaring back today with four regular flyers, and a couple letters Councilman Eric Garcetti, whose support the Sanchez campaign has managed to enlist: Kayser: 28, Sanchez: 26.

UPDATED (5/10): Yesterday was a lovely respite in which my mailbox was poisoned by neither campaign’s pissy propaganda. Today Kayser dropped four to Sanchez’s zero: Kayser:32, Sanchez: 26.

UPDATED (5/12): Four more from Kayser, three from Sanchez: Kayser: 36; Sanchez: 29

UPDATED (5/13): Heading into the final turn, Sanchez closes the gap with four flyers to Kayser’s zero. Kayser: 36, Sanchez: 33

UPDATED (5/14): Neck ‘n neck! Both Kayser and Sanchez dropped four more shitbombs each today. With only Monday (and maybe election day, Tuesday) — THANKFULLY! — left to infect my mailbox with their smear tactics, Sanchez may need a miracle to catch and pass Kayser: 40, Sanchez: 37.

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