Most people who believe in Lizard People tend to believe they possess some degree of shape-shifting capability. As in, they can disguise themselves as humans. As in, the person standing in front of you in the line at Pink’s might be a Reptoid in human form. Listen to his order; if he asks for live dragonflies and grasshoppers on his hot dog, there’s a good chance they come from herpetological stock.
And of course, if you guessed that Lizard believers have waaaaaay crazier ideas about President Obama’s birth origins than the Tea Partiers, you guessed right.
To the Lizard believers, if a given person is in a position of authority, there’s a good chance he or she is a Reptoid. Don’t believe me? Check out this list; it’s a little old (Gale Norton hasn’t been Secretary of the Interior since 2006), but it’s pretty comprehensive. If the list is to be believed, practically every elected or appointed federal official is a Lizard agent (or at least propped up by extraterrestrial interests). Which is, of course, absurd in the extreme, since everyone knows Dick Cheney is at least 46 percent human, and Condi Rice is an extremely lifelike robot.
A lot of these ideas come courtesy of David Icke, a conspiracy theory writer who claims that the Lizard People come from the Fourth Dimension, which would be an awesome name for time-travel-themed nightclub. We would play mashups of Bjork and Stephen Foster and dance the tarantella and spill mead all over our jerkins. It’d be great.
But I digress. The Fourth Dimension isn’t actually the fourth dimension as physics and Euclidian geometry define it, but another universe that exists over our own. The Lizards come from another planet, but in that universe. Or something. After that it gets confusing, contradictory, and startlingly anti-Semitic, so I stopped reading.
Of course, none of this has anything to do with Los Angeles, and by talking about the most highly-placed Reptoid agents in the US Government, we’re getting farther and farther afield from the garden-variety Lizards living here in Southern California. But don’t worry. We’ll get back to those guys tomorrow.