Dear Los Angeles Times: Blow This!

I know times are tough and sold ad space is sold ad space, but did you really have to run the Stihl ad on page 16 of the front section of today’s paper? You know, the one partially pictured at right that among a whole passel of fossil-fueled devices features a certifiably badass leafblowing dude sporting the latest in righteous gas-powered leafblower technology beneath the headline “This Spring I Want Something Lightweight” (and to which I answer “Try a fucking rake, blowhard.”).

The reason I ask isn’t because of anything wrong with Stihl, just the primary subject matter of this specific ad because for the last 12 years or so there’s apparently been something you folks there in your downtown bunker might not have heard about known as a citywide ban on gas-powered leafblower use or more officially “Los Angeles City Municipal Code 112.04(c),” which nutshelled says: “Gas powered blowers cannot be used within 500 feet of a residence at anytime.”

See the problems with the devices are myriad: they make a whole mess of noise pollution, and while making all that noise they’re also creating a bunch of air pollutions what with the harmful emissions they shit and all the particulate matter they push off the ground and into the air. Overall it’s a lose/lose but it appears a lack of prevailing wisdom on the subject (or maybe you knew and just don’t give a crap) allowed you to shill for Stihl, and having done so you gotta know that a whole bunch of yard-warrior homeowners are gonna go grab them some of that anti-green goodness and start using it on any given Saturday or Sunday morning, probably around 10 a.m. Hopefully they’ll all live next door to wherever you all get up in the morning.

You see where I’m going with this? Yeah: NOT a very conscientious, connected decision there, guys. Not by a longshot. In fact if there was a Lame Hall Of Fame, I’d nominate you for the Way Out Of Touch category. So in an effort to help you help yourselves and your paper from looking so idiotic in the future, after the jump I’ve put together a quick list of other things your ad sales department might want to just say no to, no matter how much money that four-color half-pager might bring in. It’s far from complete and some of the subjects you’re probably familiar with, but it should give you a place of responsibility and integrity from which to start:

  • DDT
  • Lead-Based Paint
  • Hate Crimes
  • Automatic Weapons
  • Police Brutality
  • Drunk Driving
  • Stalkers
  • Illicit Narcotics
  • Rogue Elephants
  • Mercenaries
  • Piracy, Either Somali In Origin Or The More Common Audio/Video Forms
  • Movies By Roland Emmerich
  • Gangbanging
  • Explosives
  • Poisons
  • Jihad
  • Rain-Forest Destruction
  • Dog Fighting
  • Street Racing
  • Insurance Fraud
  • Extortion
  • Sarah Palin
  • Porn
  • Animal Cruelty
  • Sushi Restaurants That Sell Whale Meat
  • Red-Eared Slider Turtles Less Than Four Inches In Diameter
  • Snuff Films
  • Insider Trading
  • Ponzi Schemes
  • Prostitution
  • Suicide
  • Seminars On How Rich People Like Frank McCourt Can Avoid Paying Taxes
  • Hitmen
  • Kidnapping
  • Coyote Hunters
  • Non-Native Invasive Plants
  • Spousal Abuse — Okay All Abuse, Of Course!
  • Homophobia
  • Cyclophobia
  • Anything That Perpetuates Car Culture
  • Letters From Toyoto Executives Saying They’re Really Sorry
  • Manny Ramirez
  • Death Threats To Congresspersons Who Voted For Obamacare… Or, Duh, Just Death Threats, Period. Silly Me.
  • Nuclear War
  • Genocide
  • Fight Club (nevermind, like they’d advertise what with the first rule and all, pfft… and by “they” I mean absolutely nobody. Move on.)
  • Extremist Organizations
  • Justin Beiber
  • Hoarding
  • Diseases
  • Steroids
  • Stuff That’s Broken
  • Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa
  • Elvis Memorabilia
  • Octomom
  • Cigarettes
  • Justin Beiber (worth repeating)

Like I said: woefully incomplete. But I hope it helps! And hey, if push comes to shove and the Taliban or Beiber’s peeps make you that offer too irre$i$tible to refuse, at least consider covering your ass with a starburst in the ad that states “Not Legal/Acceptable in the City Of Los Angeles, Where The Los Angeles Times Is Located. Sort Of.”

7 thoughts on “Dear Los Angeles Times: Blow This!”

  1. Thank you, I’ve never understood this, just from a practical standpoint – let’s blow the dirt off the sidewalk into the street…so it can be blown (naturally) back onto the sidewalk… I’ve always thought it was a fabricated job for someone!

  2. Does anybody know of any good Los Angeles blogs? My old standby has jumped the shark.

  3. Let’s not forget to add all the particulates they stir up to foul the air as well as the non-emission regulated effluence out of the tail pipe. That is just a mess we can do without especially since there is this great invention called a rake to clean up with.

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