Last week, Metblog’s contest winner Keekle had dinner with legendary porn star Ron Jeremy before riding in a limo with him to the red carpet of the premiere of “One Eyed Monster,” a mainstream horror-comedy starring Ron’s most famous body part.
But the real winner of the contest was Metblogs itself, as not only did Keekle step in to provide us commentary of the evening in the video above, but he’s provided us with a detailed account of what transpired at dinner with Ron.
What follows is entirely NSFW, includes offers of lapdances, Ron’s account of “the most outrageous thing” he’s seen in his long career in porn, and pretty much the norm of what transpires when someone wins a Metblogs contest. (okay, that’s a lie, but there are lots of pictures).
My Dinner with Ron Jeremy
Be careful what you do while procrastinating at your laptop because you might end up having dinner with the world’s biggest male porn star.
The occasion was the premiere at the Fine Arts Theatre on Wilshire of the very independent horror-comedy “One Eyed Monster,” introducing, per the film’s credits, Ron Jeremy. And I would be there as the winner of LA Metblog’s “Win A Threesome with Ron Jeremy” contest. I won’t go into how I won – I’ll just say my mother is very proud.
Since Mrs. Keekle was not able to make it (Lisa from the PR firm via email: “I don’t know how your wife can look in the mirror and know she missed dinner with Ron!”), I place a call to my friend Karl who says yes as fast as my wife said no. (And, yes, I am fully aware that when your wife says she’s not interested in going what she really means is why are you going?) In any case, 5:30pm Monday evening found us seated in a long black limo chatting with our chaperone, Sig, as we cruised over to the Rainbow Bar & Grill on the fabulous Sunset Strip for our dinner with Mr. Jeremy. I felt such a special night deserved a tux, and Karl had dressed up as well.
The Rainbow is a legendary LA haunt where I’d never eaten, so the meal promised to be enjoyable on that count alone. We ordered Chianti, and after a short while a mild hubbub signaled the arrival of none other than the Hedgehog himself with a lovely young woman named Mona.
According to Wikipedia, Ron Jeremy Hyatt was born in 1953 and was named Number One on “AVN’s Top 100 Porn Stars of All Time”. And he has a 9 ¾ inch penis – which he brought up during dinner. Twice. He is also an incredibly sweet mensch.
Mr. Jeremy was mid-rant through a story about a fender bender type incident which had delayed him. He wore a black t-shirt that matched his long hair and familiar moustache. I must acknowledge I know his work primarily from the VH1 reality series “The Surreal Life”. No, honestly. Although my research on him over the weekend, including watching “Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy” certainly left me with no mystery about his claim(s) to fame. And – to paraphrase the legend himself – can Laurence Olivier recite Shakespeare while fucking? Because Mr. Jeremy possesses a reputation for being professional, not taking Viagra, knowing his lines and the ability to literally count down to his orgasm. And here’s the waitress with our menus.
“One Eyed Monster” is a movie about a porn crew shooting at a deserted cabin and what happens when an alien possesses and disengages Ron Jeremy’s dick not into a box, but into a killer. Let’s face it, if you’re gonna cast a film about a male porn star’s penis turned monster, who ya gonna call? Only three names come to mind: Johnny “Wadd” Holmes, Dirk Diggler and Ron Jeremy. One is dead, one is fictitious and one is sitting across from me recommending the Filet Mignon – which I order with mashed potatoes and spinach.
Ron Jeremy in person is a funny, gregarious Willy Loman with a twinkle in his eyes who enjoys talking about himself which is acceptable because he’s still working it after 30 years in the business. By the time the salads arrive, the conversation is easy going although we are clearly not his typical contest winners. As Ron acknowledges, “You’re the first fans I’ve met who wore ties.” He seems not unpleased, albeit pleasantly amused.
Knowing him mainly for his friendship with Tammy Faye Bakker on “The Surreal Life”, my questions tended to stay above the belt. I did, however, ask Ron (we were now on a first name basis) what was the most outrageous thing he’d seen in his 30 years in the biz.
Without missing a beat, he recounted a bizarre tale involving the shooting of an adult film on a boat in the
Mediterranean with the Italian porn star Cicciolina where he’d been the only one to take anti-seasickness pills – thus was the only actor not throwing up during the, um, action scenes.
Meanwhile Ron, ever the professional, continued his performance even as his co-stars retched.
Back on shore, the seasickness wore off and so they re-set the camera for Cicciolina’s close-ups on the dock. “She was blowing chunks,” smiled Ron, “instead of blowing cock.” I smiled as well and enjoyed another fork of spinach.
During a discussion about the mainstreaming of porn, he opines that the “big” moment happened recently and “…nobody even caught it. Vincent Gallo did this movie (Brown Bunny) with Chloe Sevigny and she sucked a cock…” he says, “…so now every girl in porn can tell her parents, look that’s a big star and she’s doing it so what’s the big deal if I am?”
We order another bottle of wine. Ron sings his version of the “Aristocrats” joke which is fantastic. What I notice about Ron is how much he enjoys working towards having a “straight” (i.e. non-porn) career and how proud he is of any role, any bit, any cameo, any reality show work, in any non-adult situation. Noting that they tend towards “wink-wink, get the joke” comedic roles, he talks about how he is at heart an actor who started in the theatre. I start to hope that “One Eyed Monster” will give him a chance to show his chops, maybe not in the Olivier/Shakespearean vein, but something more than his better known line of work.
The steak is great. Mona flashes her tits. There’s an offer of a lap dance. Karl orders bourbon. Ron recounts how he got the nickname Hedgehog. And before you can say “appeared in 2,000 films” it’s time to head over for the premiere of “One Eyed Monster”.
Ron’s been working his cell phone all through dinner so we don’t know who might be there for the big (straight to) DVD red carpet premiere. But the main thing you learn when you spend an evening with Ron Jeremy is how hard he works and how busy he pushes himself. Somewhere around Melrose, Mona flashes her top again.
And another thing you learn is how Ron Jeremy is as cheap as his notorious reputation. In the limo Karl carries a plastic bag holding not one, but four take out containers. As we pull up to the theatre, Ron is instructing Karl where to leave it by the concessions counter.
A third and final thing you learn about Ron is that guys love him. During the short walk from the Rainbow to the curbside limo, a new-to-town rock band straight out of Central Casting can’t believe their luck and pose with Ron. An older gentleman shakes his hand. Even the limo driver smiles broadly as he is introduced to the legend.
At the Fine Arts theatre, there’s a dozen or so paparazzi and 2 or 3 video crews as the first of us – Karl with the to go bag – steps out onto the red carpet. I watch the crowd light up for Ron – on whose shoulder someone has posed a small stuffed hedgehog. I congratulate the director Adam Field. I thank David Markland for the contest. As Ron joins the cast for pics on the carpet, I scan the crowd. Sadly, there is no Vanilla Ice or Traci Bingham. Karl, Mona and I hang out for a while and take in the “scene” as it were and that’s when I see my first celebrity – porn star and gubernatorial candidate Mary Carey who I know from “Rehab with Dr. Drew”. (Reality TV is my porn.)
“This scene feels kinda dirty and makes me feel kinda dirty,” says Karl as he takes his seat next to me in the theatre, “…And I kinda like it!” He also informs me that the lovely Mona was in the January issue of Hustler. We chortle at the awesomeness of our evening and the movie begins.
“One Eyed Monster” is a title that is both clever and obvious and that sets the tone for the horror-comedy that follows. I hate reviews that give away any part of the plot so we’ll stick with the plot point that aliens control Ron Jeremy’s penis and wreak havoc. Amber Benson – best known for a stint on “”Buffy the Vampire Slayer” as Allyson Hannigan’s love interest – heads a young cast of mostly yet-to-be-knowns as well as veteran porn star Veronica Hart and porn ingénue Carmen Hart. The cinematography by Joseph White is crisp and veteran actor Charles Napier delivers a lovely monologue that’s an homage to Quint’s USS Indianapolis tale in “Jaws”.
That the film works is due to two factors. First, the cast plays it straight and for real and as a result the audience stays in the picture. Jason Graham plays it like a Wes Craven regular. Bart Fletcher evokes a Jim Carrey-esque puppy dog manner and Caleb Mayo pulls off both his eureka moment when his character figures out what’s happened AND a scene where the alien-possessed penis controls him while lodged up his ass. No matter the situation – say, getting choked by a bloody 9 ¾ organ – the cast doesn’t phone it in. I for one appreciated that they did not smirk their way through and acquitted themselves and the movie well.
But it’s Veronica Hart who steals the movie. Suffice to say that she has a ferocious finale and she knocks it out of the park. She also has a scene with Ron early in the film and having spent the evening learning about his straight thespian aspirations, I was happy for him that he got a chance to do some real work – and do it with surprising tenderness. Ron rarely gets serious roles – his straight parts tend to trade in on his notoriety in some way – but a hair cut and the right director and he’s got the makings of a character actor.
After the screening, there’s a congratulatory cheer in the air. Veronica Hart dashes in and out in a tee shirt and jeans, looking cougar hot, I must say. My antennae discern there’s no after party – even as the irrepressible Mona declares “There’s always an after party!” – and the previous night’s episode of “Celebrity Apprentice” (I told you – reality TV is my porn) and Mrs. Keekle await me at home, so I call it a night and leave Karl and Mona and the open bar and head home with my autographed copy of “One Eyed Monster” which was released on DVD the next day. Thanks to Sig & the folks at Liberation Entertainment, Lisa & the folks at karma media labs and the folks at LA Metblogs for their help in getting me to the red carpet. I couldn’t have made it there without you. Cue the Orchestra.