BREAKING: Yankees Sign Everybody

The New York Yankees followed up today’s $180-million signing of Anaheim’s Mark Teixeira by adding all of the other players from all of the other teams in the country. The 2009 season will now feature an intra-squad schedule of Yankees vs. Yankees, with all home and away games to be held in the new Yankee Stadium.

Immediately following this announcement, all official Major League Baseball retailers announced plans to sell only Yankees-related merchandise, including an immediate 300% price inflation to pay for stadium construction and player salaries.

Happy Holidays.

UPDATE 2:01pm: The Yankees have just sent a request to Congress for a bailout package in the amount of $970-million.

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