I’ll just say it: Los Angeles has no Dunkin Donuts. We have Krispy Kreme, we have Yum Yum, we’ve got Bob’s. We even have California Donut (my personal favorite). But there is no Dunkin Donuts anywhere to be found. None of their legendary coffee, not one single Boston Creme. Here on the left coast, it is never “time to make the donuts.”

On the other hand, if it weren’t for all these damn transplants, LA wouldn’t be full of east coasters whining about their precious donuts. What the heck, transplants? If you miss it so much, GO HOME. And for heaven’s sake, stop planting grass in your yard. Native plants will grow better and make you look like less of a water-wasting ass.

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Continuing in our scientific investigation of the 64 worst things about LA I humbly present two stomach churning examples of rampant douchebaggery. People who park like complete dickfaces, and of course, The Grove.

We’ve spent a lot of time here talking about Parking Tards and with good reason. Being a car-centric city parking is important, and when some asshat strolls in and wrecks it for everyone else someone has to take note, someone has to stand up, someone has to speak for the little people and say “You sir/madam are a Parking Tard!” There are really only two excuses for this kind of behavior, complete and utter disregard for your fellow man, or complete ignorance of your surroundings. Both are equally crappy, and no question one of the worst things about LA.

But what could possibly hold it’s own on the suckatude scale against such a menace? Only something so shallow, so fake, so contrived that the simple mention it of brings the proudest Angelino to his or her respective knees. Something so appaling that tourists clap when they see the preprogrammed fountains splash around to pipped in oldies, something so forced that nimrods will wait 15 minutes to get on a fauxtrolly that will transport them all of 500 feet. Of course I’m talking about The Grove (incase you missed that from the title and lead in). It’s horrible and I wish it would die in a fire. But at least there are good views from the top of the parking structure.

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Poll closes April 1

So far many of these “64 worst things about LA” posts have been about something that sucks, well I’ve got two things that are awesome, unfortunately we we don’t have nearly enough of them. Left turn signals and parking spots at Trader Joes.

A little over a year ago I was asked by The LA Times what the biggest problem facing LA in 2007 would be and obviously my answer was the city’s bias against people turning left and sadly the situation isn’t much better today. We’ve got major streets and major intersections all over the city but in most cases it’s easier to shoot past the street you want to turn left at and then make 3 right turns rather than sit at a light for what will certainly be hours trying to make a signalless left turn. Who was it who decided that these things weren’t important for LA when all the stop lights were being put in? They are all over the rest of the world in ample supply, but in LA not so much. I know people who purposely map out every single trip across town so that they never have to turn left just because it’s such a nightmare. True story.

But no tale of the haves and the have nots would be complete without talking about the parking that Trader Joes does not have. This is truly a Los Angeles paradox because everything inside the store makes you want to go, but everything outside makes you want to run screaming away. The problem wouldn’t be so major if the food Trader Joes sold wasn’t so damn tasty and inexpensive. Every time I go there I’m amazed at what I was able to pick up, but going there requires massive planning and scheduling to make sure that the least possible other people in LA might be there at the same time. And it’s not just that there aren’t enough spots – lots of places in LA have fewer parking spots than they should, but Trader Joes goes a step further by introducing the bottleneck. It’s almost as if they were designed that way on purpose, but getting into the lots to begin with is next to impossible, and then getting out.. well lets just say I advise against buying frozen perishable items if you drive there.

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Poll closes March 31