When Did You Become “L.A.?”

I did it. I shamefully admit that I did it.

It wasn’t on purpose. You have to believe me. I’m really not that guy. But, last night I sure looked like him.

It’s because there were so many people there. I mean, there are other L.A. Fitness locations. Why do all these people have to start going to mine? I was there when it opened. Before the meatheads came. Before the spandex and Lycra came. Before the script readers and Blackberry texters came.

Some of these people only show up on Monday, telling themselves that this time, it’s gonna stick. Half of them will disappear, and another batch of newbies will show up next Monday.

That’s why I did what I did when I got back to the locker room. I admit that it happened. I accidentally looked at my biceps in the mirror. Might have even flexed a little. Just once. It’s not my fault. I blame them. They did it to me. They made me what I am.

They made me L.A. And I hate them for it.

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23 Replies to “When Did You Become “L.A.?””

  1. Pfft.
    I’ve been doing that everyday, especially after seeing Spider-Man. I try to recreate the moment when Peter Parker wakes up to see he’s totally cut.
    Then I exhale, and recreate the whole Craig T. Nelson moment from Poltergeist, “Before, after, before, after.”
    I’m still a before guy.

  2. Yeah…but you’re not a true LA metrosexual till you stop to primp your hair in the rear view mirror at a traffic light.

  3. Can someone answer me this question: I go to Golds Hollywood and there seems to be some type of mating call among the men there. There is among some an incessant need to lift their shirt and check their abs, in front of a mirror or not. I mean dont they have mirrors at home? Is this also an L.A. thing, to show your abs to the gym as a means of accomplishment?

  4. You are not just “L.A.” because you checked yourself out in the mirror, but because you think some place or service (that you did not create) is “yours” just because you went there first, and reserve this very “L.A.” right to scorn people who share the same idea as you.
    Why be hostile newbies? People have different priorities, is it so wrong that they only share yours for one day out of the week?

  5. My LA moment came at Gold’s Hollywood, when I realized Crispin Glover was galumphing alongside me awkwardly attempting to mount a stairclimber. I fled downstairs only to discover Fabio, with his entourage scattered about, doing lat pulldowns.

    I never went back.

    Jason, it’s kinda a bummer you consider yourself “LA” when you manifest the wee-est bit of mirror-induced narcissism…isn’t it just that we all like to see if our hard work at the gym is paying off? Bummer ’bout the collective idea that being “LA” equals vacuous self-obsession. It’s not just you….most of the world thinks this way, I think.

    Besides, you’re not truly “LA” until I find you in the restroom at my office talking to your agent on the phone (there’s a casting office down the hall). OMG, ladies, knock it off.

  6. I smiled today when I saw a guy wearing a Motley Crue t-shirt. But then I was sad because I realized he was wearing it ironically. Then I smiled because a pretty girl bicycled passed us. Then I saw she was wearing Uggs.

    I’m pretty sure I’m not LA.

  7. I’m the LA spirit, the one that counts doing what I want and feeling good about and not worrying about what anyone else thinks.

    Never bought into the self-absorbed looks are everything mindset either. I honestly don’t think LA is that for the majority here either. Most here are doing what they can to be happy and make a difference where they can.

  8. can some one answer me the question of why is it “so L.A.” when the people who do things like this aren’t from LA, they are transplants, and then the people who were born here. have to put up with their S***, and get the bad wrap from them?

  9. The Militant is, has never been, and never will be, “LA.” The Militant, on the other hand, was, is and always will be “LOS ANGELES.”

    Gym memberships are a fuckin WASTE OF MONEY AND A SCAM! They make it hard for you to leave, and know that everyone signs up in January only to give up by March but still pay their membership fees. Gyms are also nasty places to catch other people’s bacteria.

    That’s the biggest reason why the Militant’s on his bike. “LOS ANGELES” people lead; “LA” people merely follow.

  10. Gosh, you’re all so wound up about what is LA and what is not etc. – you sound like you’re from San Francisco.

  11. I workout in my garage, been doing it since i was
    thirteen, no complaints, but my neighbors have some.

  12. Yes, thank you … and Militant!
    I sometimes watch that Californication show to laugh at all the Los Angeles or should I say “L.A.” stereotypes and cliches. At times though, it’s really hard to stomach. Is this show close to reality for anyone that lives in Los Angeles? The characters, the situations, the dialogue are so extremely foreign.

  13. Chimatli: NOTHING on television is close to actual reality in Los Angeles. The entertainment industry, which is actually owned and controlled by corporations based in NYC and elsewhere, make certain things are done that way.

  14. trixkidz: Only transplants who are predisposed to the idea that no one Los Angeles is allowed to have any semblance of civic pride or identity would say something like that. You probably wear your Mets cap to Dodger games (when the Dodgers are playing, say the Padres), right?

  15. I love how laughing at my own stupidity in the gym has turned into an all-out comment war.

    It’s great to have pride in your city, whether you were born & raised in Los Angeles/L.A./LA, or you just unpacked your Prius. But, be careful when attacking “transplants.”

    “The people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not… fuck with us.” – Fight Club, 1999

  16. But attacking transplants is part of what makes the Militant a “Militant.” :D

    Yes there are transies who have a clue, like that dude on KCET, though unfortunately they’re few and far between. The Militant simply calls them “Angelenos.”

    And the Militant makes a definite distinction between transplants (people who expect their Oscar/Grammy/Emmy to be handed to them once they arrive at the Hollywood Greyhound station) and immigrants (the hard-working people who do cook our food, etc) — Because immigrants don’t whine.

  17. Oooo, Jason, your first comment war! Trust me, this is a mild one. You should see what happened when I wrote up “ELF” restaurant on Sunset Blvd. in Echo Park. It was a knock-down, drag-out mess. Consider your flamewar cherry popped.

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