Baby Skunk 1: Hey, let’s go fuck with the yuppies!
Baby Skunk 2: Yeah, yeah, fuck with the yuppies, yeah!
Baby Skunk 1: We’ll parade up and down outside their bedroom window all night, yeah!
Baby Skunk 2: Naw, man, that’s boring, we’ve been doing that for months. Look, let’s crawl into the cleanout door at the foot of their chimney! Right here! It’s under the bedroom fireplace! C’mon!
Baby Skunk 1: Naw, man I can’t squeeze in through that leetle door like you can! But cool! They’ll never tell the difference between outside stink and inside stink! Roll around in there some, man!
Baby Skunk 2: Haw, yeah! Fuckin’ yuppies! Hey, wait, I can’t get out! Or maybe I’m sick!
Baby Skunk 1: Laterz. I’m off to catch some grubs.
Baby Skunk 2: Ugh. Starving. Growing faint. Light’s going dim. Goodbye, cruel world! URKKK!
(He expires) …
Me: Dear God, what is that smell?!?
Wife: Dear God, what is that smell?!?
(2 days pass while Me fruitlessly attempts to hire a chimney sweep. Finally … )
Me: Hello, Family’s Chimney? Something died in our chimney, do you remove that kind of thing?
Jorge: Sure, that’ll be $250.
Me: Anything! Please come quick!
(A rank, tangible stench now permeates every room of the house. Every window and door is open. The fans are on full blast. Me is struggling to focus on work in his home office and doing a poor job of it.
Enter Jorge, stage left. He is sweating, with a mask over his face.)
Jorge: It’s a skunk.
Me: God, can you get it out?
Jorge: Well, we’ll have to break the bricks around cleanout door to get it, the door’s too small, and we’ll have to replace it. It’ll be about $400. You also need rain caps on your chimney, you’re getting water inside your chimney, and there’s a lot of cement blocking the damper in the bedroom.
Me: Whatever, but please, just the skunk now – Anything! Please!
Jorge shines a light down inside the chimney box inside Me and Wife’s bedroom.)
Jorge: Here, you can see it from here! My light’s down in there. Go take a look!
(Me looks in, with moistened bandanna mask, barely mastering the urge to barf)
Me: Jesus CHRIST!
(Me snaps a few pictures showing the skunk and Assistant’s shovel.
Finally, unable to bear it, Me retreats outside where Assistant is shoveling out the chimney foundation.
At last, he brings out the skunk’s tail.
Just. The tail.
The rest comes out in four or five wet shovelfuls of skunk parts. )
Me: Jesus CHRIST! Did you get it all?
Me: Oh my god, thank you so, so much!
(Assistant bags the filth and vanishes with it before Me can collapse and kiss his feet.
Eyes tearing, Me hurriedly writes Jorge a check.)
Me: Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!