You Know You’re A Heartless Bastard Redneck When…

So because of an alleged coyote bloom in some section of Riverside, officials in that ingrown inbred inland city saw fit to hire themselves one-uh them there perfeshunal hunter types to quote-unquote alleviate the problem. After what I can only imagine must have been an exhaustive and rigrous selection process they gave up and settled on the particular perfeshunal critter killer who submitted the lowest bid and then instructed him to provide relief to the coyote-crowded neighborhood in question by: A) Humanely apprehending the coyotes; B) Transporting them to a pre-determined location; C) Exterminating them with extreme prejudice. But that didn’t happen t’all. Instead this pristine example of short-bus humanity opted against all warning signs to use his head — boy howdy he did and then some! — and cut right to the chase post haste.

Now, there is some debate and discussion as to the size and syllable count of the actual words used in the work order being much too large and complicated for said authorized animal attacker to comprehend, but that’s just hearsay and a matter of opinion. What’s fact is that said gunslinging goober opted to remedy himself the situation by bypassing those first two difficult and time-wasting steps that he couldn’t remember anyway and instead proceed straight to the fun part via gunshots and bootkicks on a residential street against the the first of two of the wiley varmints as witnessed by an area resident who said he saw the whole bloody thing, according to the story posted on cbs2.com:

Kevin Mitchell said he called police Thursday after hearing gunshots, going outside and seeing a man shoot a coyote on Riverside Drive.

As the coyote struggled, the man kicked the animal in the head, he told police.

“There are two huge puddles of blood on the street,” Mitchell said. “It was cruelty.”

Shortly afterward, the hunter shot and killed another coyote, also in a residential area, after police checked the hunter’s credentials.

Word is the hunter won’t be arrested and charged with cruelty to animals. Instead he’s just been suspended from his duties because he fired them guns near some inconveniently placed homes, dang ’em. Reports that he’s over at Ed’s Suds ‘N Spuds throwing back Pabst Blue Ribbons with the cops that let him keep on killing are incorrect. The beer is Old Milwaukee.

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13 Replies to “You Know You’re A Heartless Bastard Redneck When…”

  1. Thanks Omar for reminding me that I forgot to cloak the whole of Riverside as point-missing, humorless and satire-challenged.

  2. While I find this an outrage, we must remember that the original proposal was to hire “professional ninjas to assassinate the coyote underlings and leadership silently, enfolded in the black cloak of night.”

    It was voted down by the City Council.

  3. Yeah, them thar coyotes are purdy deadly arnt thay!!!!

    Now be-foar somaya IE guys go on sayin’ “here goes another LA guy thinkin’ he’s all that raggin’ on our ‘hood out here”… lemme tell ya – I have a house in the IE as well – a-waaay up in the mountains – yup – way back inna woods… and we see a whole lotta coydogs up here, and they’ve nevah a-scared me one little bit…

    Come on now. Seriously. Gunning down anything in a city street is ridiculous, though people seem to have no problem gunning each other down with alarming regularity. I guess humane trapping and/or tranquilizing just isn’t manly enough for those damn KFRG cowboys down in Riverside. Yeah, I generalized it. So sue me. Cry me a river. Just be damn careful before you fire a gun down MY street, ya’hear!

  4. Coyotes always get the shitty end of the stick. Remember the guy that managed to make it from the outer burroughs and into NYC’s Central Park (I wanna say last year?). It took a few hours for them to capture him. They dubbed him Hal but then he died in captivity. I saved a picture of him from the news. Poor bastard.

  5. it would hilarious if you were attacked by a coyote some day. that would funny…unlike your writing…oh, i mean satire

  6. First off “GM,” since you insisted on perpetuating your lack of brilliance by initially signing the above comment with my name, I went in and modified the signature to return it to your original troll tag after comparing and matching the IP addressed logged with it to your most recent comment (and the one by the way that promised you’d leave us alone until Monday, liar).

    Second, I’m particularly impressed with the email address you included:

    [email protected]

    Didja think that one up yourself because that’s fucking brilliant man. You’re right, my lack of humor doesn’t hold a shitcock to yours.

    Thirdly, and to address your idiot comment directly, obviously you don’t know I’m a freakin’ living saint to coyotes. I’m like the land-based equivalent of Aquaman, I concentrate hard enough and these visible soundwave telepath ring things expand concentrically from my head and coyotes within a 300-mile radius drop whatever they’re doing and come a-running ready to defend me or attack anyone I feel is deserving.

    So to sum up, I invite you to continue any issues you have with me personally and strictly via my trollmail address at [email protected]. But since that ain’t gonna happen, here’s what I’ll do: I personally will do my best not to delete any of your limp insults no matter how entertaining and off-topic they might be, but I will remand any future comments to my posts back to the custody of your original name should you still feel compelled to sign them with my name and attach really stupid gradeschool email addresses to them.

  7. I want to contrast this with the case of that coyote that wandered into the downtown Chicago Quiznos last week. Last I heard, he was humanely trapped and released into the wild (or was it a nature preserve?). But then, Chicagoans aren’t rednecks.

  8. Okay. Actually, my goofball post about IE stuff notwithstanding, the coyote hunting company is from Simi Valley. I just found that ironic… you know, the Rodney King thing and all.

    Jeez, Will, I never thought we’d get dragged back to the elementary school playground like this. Keep up the good work.

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