Writing for Creature Corner got me on a lot of mailing lists, mostly PR companies. I get press materials and screening invites for all sorts of movies, not just horror. I realize it wouldn’t be reasonable to have separate mailing lists for every genre, but it was pretty funny that time I got an email inviting me to promote the Electric Company DVD on Creature Corner.

Today’s email brought a teaser poster (see right) and plot synopsis for Crank, which appears, at a glance, to be the worst movie due out this year (though possibly so bad it’s good). I just had to share the (incredibly poorly written) synopsis with you:

Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is about to begin his morning with an unexpected wake-up call. Groggy, practically unable to move and with a heart that’s barely beating, Chev answers his cell phone and hears the voice of thug Ricky Verona, who reveals Chev has been poisoned in his sleep and has only an hour to live.

As it turns out, Chev is a hit man who freelances for a major West Coast crime syndicate. And a run of the mill job the night before that was supposed to be like any other hit went unexpectedly awry: Chev let his target go in an effort to quit the professional killing business and start a new life with his girlfriend Eve.

Now, Chev must keep moving – literally – to stay alive. The only way to prolong the poison from stopping his heart is to keep his adrenaline flowing. As the clock ticks, Chelios cuts a swath through the streets of Los Angeles, wreaking havoc on those who dare stand in his way. He must rescue Eve from danger, stay two steps ahead of his nemeses as they try to eliminate him, and search for an antidote to save his own life.

Alas, poor Lions Gate…

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1. Zen And The Art Of Replacement Parts
2. High Speed in the Hills?
3. Yet more high-speed hijinks
4. LA Top Five (Arts)
5. Mighty Morning Replacement