Boy, the Dodgers sure do suck right now, don’t they? I mean, they are the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.
How do you go to a Dodger game and enjoy yourself these days? Try going with me and my brother. Here’s my live-to-molskine blog of Wednesday night’s bullpen meltdown extravaganza:
6:10 PM – We just parked our car about fifty feet from the Weiner Mobile! I took a snap of it for my buzznet moblog, and Jeremy set it as his wallpaper on his phone. Just before we took the picture, a double-decker tourist bus pulled in and totally tried to cock-block us, but our camera phone-fu totallly kicked its ass. One to nothing!
6:11PM – There are two guys dressed as Vikings throwing a football in the parking lot. Jer says, “It’s like we’re in some Bizarro World . . . maybe the Dodgers will win tonight!”
6:16 PM – We just picked up our tickets, which were $10 each thanks to the Dodgers latest “we know we suck, but we really want you to come out and watch us” promotion.
6:40 PM – We got our super-beef Dodger dogs, and we’ve been on a quest for the least-offensive beer on the Reserve Level. Do you know how Corona and Tecate become “premium” beers that cost $8.50 each? When the “regular” beer is Budweiser or MGD. They have a Goron Biersch Marzen sign at this one concession stand, but it was actually Hefeweizen, which is like shitty piss beer that thinks it’s great because it has a sassy name. I reluctantly settle on Heineken, and can’t believe I’m shelling out the same for one cup of “beer” that I’d spend on a six pack of Stone Pale Ale. Oh well, it’s part of baseball and goes well with the Dodger Dogs.
6:45 PM – We take our seats in Row R section 2 of the Inner Reserve. It’s Korean Community Night, so there are a couple of pretty cool pre-game demonstrations of Tae Kwon Do and stuff.
6:52 PM – There’s a ceremonial first pitch happening, but instead of one guy taking the mound and throwing it out to a Dodger catcher, they picked four guys to go on the field. One guy is the pitcher, then there’s the catcher, and the other two guys are the manager and the umpire. How stupid is that? That’s like getting your friends together to play band, and they decide that you can’t be the guitar player; you get to the the band manager instead.
6:53 PM – The “pitcher” guy didn’t even take the mound and just bounced it in the grass in front of the plate. Good block by the “catcher” guy. I wonder if the guy who was chosen to be the “manager” is pissed that he could have actually made the throw?
6:55 PM – Elaine Cha sings the Korean National Anthem, which sounds an awful lot like Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.
6:57 PM – Izturis casts the ceremonial first All-Star ballot. There sure are an awful lot of pre-game ceremonies happening. I wonder if he voted for himself to play short, to stick it to the idiot dodger management?
6:59 PM – Jeremy is sending the Weinermobile picture to his wife. He says, “How do you spell Weiner? Is it EI or IE?” He types on his phone for a second and says, “It’s I before E except after Weinermobile, right?”
7:00 PM – The guy in front of us is eating a chocolate malt with a plastic spoon. Oh my god. Did they get rid of those wooden spoons? I’ll have to investigate this more later.
7:01 PM – Another ceremonial first pitch?! And it’s two pitchers and two catchers, on either side of the mound? Okay, this is officially lame.
7:02 PM – A tribute to Steve Howe plays on the Dodgervision, but it’s not even one minute long. I guess they needed the time for all the pre-game ceremonies.
7:03 – 10 year-old Stephen Yoo, dressed in a dashing tux and tails sings the Star Spangled Banner, and he seriously kicks ass. I just noticed that the flag is at half-mast, which is probably for Steve Howe, but could also be for the 6-0 lead the Dodgers blew in San Diego on Sunday.
7:10 PM – Play ball! The Dodgers walk Roberts on 4 pitches, then strike out Cameron while Roberts steals second (why do they even make a show of stealing? They should just give them second base on every single and forget about the formality of Navaarro missing the throw). Giles flies out, and Piazza works a full count before popping out to shallow right.
7:33 PM – Midddle of the 2nd. A REALLY annoying commercial for Universal Studios on the Dodgervision. What happened to you, Universal Studios? You used to be cool.
7:47 PM – Navarro is up with the bases empty. I say to Jeremy, “You know, not only can Navarro not make the throw to second, he can’t hit, either.” The words are barely out of my mouth when Navarro slams the second pitch about 380′ for a solo homer. Jeremy says, “Yes! Get angry at my brother, Navarro! Who’s up next? You also suck!”
7:50 PM – The kid in front of us to our left has a chocolate malt with a wooden spoon-shaped thing. I guess the plastic spoon was just user error. Whew.
7:55 PM – Seo has a really great curveball.
7:58 PM – Piazza breaks up the no-hitter with a double to the wall in center-right. Whatever. He’s still totally gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that.) Jeremy blames me because I pointed out that Seo had a no-hitter through four.
8:01 PM – Middle of the 4th, and they’re doing that Coca Cola answer a question and win a coke thing down on the field. The guy gets it right, and a really hot girl walks off the field with him. I say, “Hey, she thinks she’s getting his coke, and doesn’t even know it’s soda!” Jeremy says, “Yeah, she’s toatally a Coke whore.” We think we’re the funniest guys in the world. High-five.
8:06 PM – Kent is up with runners at the corners. I say to Jeremy, “You know, the problem with Kent is that he’s really on the downside of his career. Not only does he stuggle to turn two, he can’t come through in the clutch with runners at the corners.” I look down at the field and say, “Your move, Mister Kent.” Unfortunately, my Navaarro-fu doesn’t work and Kent is out.
8:17 PM – I get up to pee, and when I come back, the wheels are totally off, and the Dodgers are struggling. San Diego ties it up, and Jeremy says, “It’s your fault for getting up to pee. You should have just held it, man.” Dang. I’m really letting the Dodgers down tonight.
8:27 PM – Stephen Yoo just walked past us! Hey, he sung the national anthem and he kicked ass! They couldn’t give him good seats on the field, and sat him up here with us rabble? What the fuck man?! Jeremy and I holler at him and give him the thumbs up. He smiles and waves back. That kid really pulls off the tux and tails, which isn’t easy. Go Stephen Yoo!
8:43 PM – Bellhorn lines out 3-4-3 when his hit flies off Nomar’s glove, bounces to Kent, and Kent makes the toss back to Nomar for the put out. It’s a spectacular play that should be on Sportscenter, but the Dodger fans are too busy doing the goddamn wave to notice, and there’s no replay on Dodgervision. Lame.
8:55 PM – The Korean family in front of us and to our right just pulled some sort of fish jerky out of their bag. It smells like the pier at low-tide.
8:57 PM – Seriously. How can that taste good?
8:58 PM – Oh my god, man. It’s like someone gutted a fish, rubbed it on my face, shoved my head in a bucket of salty fish water, and hit me in the back of the head with a fish.
8:59 PM – Jeremy and I are suggesting new advertising campaigns for the Dodgers: Dodger Baseball: Bring your beachball and get ready to do the waaaaavvveee! Dodger Baseball: The exciting race for fourth place starts right now! Dodgers: come on, they have to win sometime.
9:00 PM – The peanut guy throws a strike to me from about row F. That was awesome.
9:07 PM – Looks like it’s time for the traditional Dodger Bullpen meltdown. Bellhorn, who was 0-3 against Seo, just hit a three-run homer to left, and San Diego is up 4-1. The Dodgers are going to have to work extra hard now to build up a big lead that they can blow in the 7th.
9:10 PM – It’s time to stretch! Let me hear you!
9:15 PM – OMG they just took out a new package of fish jerky. This one is sort of apricot-colored and is really big. I think it’s called “Super Salmon Happy Mouth Tasting.”
9:23 PM – Saenz just hit a walk-off homer to tie the game! Yeah! Go Dodgers!!
9:24 PM – Saenz just took a curtain call. Plmedo Pwns!
9:25 PM – Lofton grounds weakly to second to end the inning. Oh well, at least we’re back in the game now!
9:29 PM – Uh-oh. Barfield just hit a 2-run homer. 6-4 Padres. It’s okay, we’re still in it.
9:30 PM – Blum just hit his first ever homerun. That would be back-to-back homers, and the Padres are up 7-4. We’re rapidly approaching the “not in it anymore” portion of the game. Maybe it’s time for a call to the bullpen, eh, Grady?
9:31 PM – Roberts just singled to right. The Dodger bullpen is putting on quite a hitting clinic. Hey Grady, how about you warm up someone now?
9:32 PM – Cameron singles to left. That’s five hits by five batters. Maybe a walk to the mound would be a good idea. What do you say, skip?
9:33 PM – Oh look! Grady Little is going to do some managing, and actually walks to the mound. There is mocking applause, but the mood in the stadium is more of disbelief than anything else. How is this team this bad?
9:34 PM – Beimel comes in. Jeremy says, “Maybe he’ll just put it on a tee for them.”
9:35 PM – He may as well have put it on a tee. Jeremy: “That was almost Fish Jerky bad.” Me: “Almost.” Jeremy: “Yes. Almost.”
9:59 PM – Yeah. Now it’s 11-4 Padres. They have seventeen hits. More than half the stadium has emptied out, including fish jerky.
10:01 PM – Somehow the Dodgers got out of the inning, and now we just need eight runs. It could happen.
10:05 PM – Uh, this really hot girl at the end of our row just got up, walked to the camera guy, and flashed him. We could only see her back, though. Jeremy: “That almost balances out the Fish Jerky.” Me: “Almost.” Jeremy: “Yeah, almost.”
10:06 PM – Ethier just hit his first ever home run. Cool! Jeremy tells the flashing girl that she inspired the team, and needs to do that 7 more times so we can tie the game. He friend thinks this is hilarious.
10:07 PM – Navarro flies out to center, ending the game. What a fucking disaster, man, but I don’t care. The whole plan was to come out to Chavez Ravine and have a good time, and we totally did that.
On the way home, we listen to Dodgertalk, and hear that they’re having a team meeting. Rick Monday says that this is a real leadership test for Grady Little (who I think sucks out loud) and suspects that the Dodgers will answer tomorrow with an awesome game. The Dodgers, of course, wasted seven amazing innings from Tomko and lost 3-0 when the Bullpen fell apart. Having just two hits didn’t really help much, either. Luckily for me, my lifetime as a Los Angeles Kings and Chicago Cubs fan has prepared me for seasons like this, and I’ve got my brother to make even the worst Dodger outing a super fun experience.