Diamond Dave or El Douchemaster?

10425570.jpgWhat’s up with both of Howard Stern’s replacements on FM being the two worst talk radio hosts ever? I’m not sure who I’d rather get stuck listening to. The east coast gets one of my favorite rock stars ever, David Lee Roth. While the west coast gets the world’s luckiest frat guy, Adam Carolla. I guess DLR wins this special Olympics cuz at least he was in Van Halen, knows how to rock and didn’t get replaced by the biggest douche bag walking the earth, Steve-O (yeah, Steve-O is on Love Line now). But that ain’t saying much, cuz as much as I think the dude was rad on stage doing head-high jump kicks, he sucks shit on the radio (although his interview with Kevin Federline is kind of amazing, but then again how couldn’t it be). You know I’m gonna be front and center when Halen (with Diamond Dave) play Los Angeles. Either way, this rain blows.

16 Replies to “Diamond Dave or El Douchemaster?”

  1. 1) You got your coasts switched, Adam is on the West Coast, Dave on the East.

    2) Adam Carolla is the anti-“luckiest frat guy”. He dropped out of junior college and was a construction worker until his first gig as a boxing teacher to Jimmy Kimmel, then sports guy on KROQ.

    3) Adam is the best radio host evar.

    4) Dave should stick to singing and being an EMT.

    4) The rain rules.

  2. Chaps? Explain…

    And ok you got me, I meant to say “luckiest construction worker who acts like a frat guy”…

  3. ok nice chaps
    but lets discuss whats really
    important here
    is diamond dave really playing in la with
    van halen ?
    say its so…
    I will get my air guitar ready

  4. i agree, travis. adam c is a moron, steve-o’s antics are as funny as watching a three year old drowning, and diamond dave hasn’t done anything worth shitting on since diver down. keep up the good work with this and buddyhead. if you see casper adams anytime soon tell him chad from louisville said hello. later…

  5. i’m with lulu . need to know when the dave god will be in town playing with eddie . those jump / split / hi-ya rock moves are too hot
    i am so there — please anyone with info , spill !

  6. MY HEAD IS SPINNING, AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO BEGIN:
    (Short note: an apology to all for my many typos in my recent responses, and for those sure to appear in this one; but, when I get wound up I cannot help it….)

    Reading this thread was like walking into a passionate argument on what might constitute a slightly less pleasant way to die– the slow, brain-wasting mini series entitled “Alzheimers!”, or a once-seen pilot (yes, television is the analogy, folks) entitled “Decapitation”.

    Go slow, go fast; either way, one is rendered ultimately stupid by the loss of their minds and the onset of death.

    When Stern first appeared on L.A. radio in July of 1991, I saw him as welcome; and for the next few years, his show was often (but not always) a lacerating mix of social commentary and lame “hey we got naked girls in here”-type bullshit. Personally, and this is just me, the notion of listening to a naked woman talk through my radio kind of does nothing for me, as (if you think about it) you can picture any woman over the radio as being naked if you are that lame and stupid and in need of a boner to grab while listening to the radio…

    As the years went by, the thing that most got under my skin about Stern were those who called in to his show. It just seemed that most of them were either there to kiss his ass– which never makes for compelling discourse of any sort, as it was a bit like listening to the bleatings of idiots getting an autograph from whichever star upon which they focus their hero worship. Would anyone with a brain of their own want to listen to repeated and never ending, with only subtle variations, broadcasts of Vince Neil, Rob Halford, Reba McIntyre, Emeril Lagasse, the devil or Anne Coulter getting their asses kissed while scribbling on a book, a tit or a paper grocery bag?!

    By fall of 2003, I grew tired of Stern’s sad parade; also in part because of the evolution of his love and support for the current presidential administration and it’s foreign policies. After 9/11, Stern was all about support of Guiliani, the war on terrorism (even trotting out the old “let’s bomb ’em into a parking lot” phrase at one point during one of his broadcasts), the war on Iraq, etc., etc.

    The Bush folks had no better radio ally than Howard; until he totally flip-flopped once the FCC came after him– which totally fucking pissed me off!

    Even though I am a Bush-hating liberal who finds the war in Iraq to be an utter travesty.

    That’s right: as much as I loathe fundamentalist-toady Republican war-hawkin’ jingoistic politics and those who support them, I hate hypocrites like twenty times more. At least….

    If nothing else, those with viewpoints I oppose/despise I can at least respect from the angle of them backing up their words; but, when Stern suddenly went from pro Bush/pro war to anti on both counts just because the FCC (as wrong as that useless entity was) decided to personally target him,it was a sellout of the grandest order.

    Since then, I have heard some of Stern’s stuff (pre-satellite) while my brother, a huge fan, was listening to; and some of it sounded every bit as brilliant as I remember him being at times– while other stuff was run-of-the-mill celebrity pandering/naked lame crap, same as it ever was…

    Time to move on.

    But, David Lee Roth VS. Adamn Carolla?

    Really?

    REALLY?!

    Can anyone actually think one form of shit is better than another. Is stepping on a solid piece of crap somehow less, er, shitty than absent-mindedly padding across a light brown chocolaty slick of dog diarrhea?

    The the poster named Michael, Adamn Carolla is not the best radio host. He is the luckiest radio guy.

    “Evar”.

    His beer n’ meat, wannabe everyman bleatings are best taken in small doses. The Man Show was a disaster, his own Comedy Central aborted liftoff of a show was an exercise in showing just how quiet a studio audience could be; and, while I will not deny that he has (in certain guest shots– such as on Stern’s show, from time to time) a certain amount of wit, when governed; on his own, he is a high-fivin’caveman who has never had the talent to know when to pull ou of a subject, nor when to kind of clear out and let guests or contributors drop in and set the mood or pace.

    Just awful. Fucking lame.

    As for David Lee Roth, he is living in a 1981 time vacuum. Even at their height, the original Van Halen was only entertaining because they were so funny– and, no, not intentionally so. Please do not waste your breath on what a fucking genius Eddie Van Halen was on guitar, because all that crummy hammer on/tapping bullshit that he puked on every reader of Guitar Player magazine back when I was in high school was eventually emulated, exactly, by about 500 billion blind followers in other crappy 80’s bands– thereby ruining the commercial music of the entire decade.

    It was either the crap guitar-tech stuff, or the washy/watered down synths that polluted the minds of grade school children back then– to th point where there are now bands claiming those old jokes as influences, and pestering the charts with their updated riffs (be they of guitar or synth variety…).

    Enough.

    The Roth-era Van Halen while (by light years) better than the Sammy Halen era, was no legendary band. Period. They just rocked harder and louder than the Sammy-period Van Halen; but that is all. Roth was a fairly well spoken frontman with (give him this) a unique voice and persona– and, yes, he could do the gnarly karate kicks onstage we all desire and live for in our favorite and most well-accomplished musicians.

    In this way, Roth offends me more than Carolla. Carolla is merely some ex-boxing schnook who got lucky by meeting Kimmel (and what a genius that guy is…); while Roth was actually in a band that meant something to a lot of people.

    Not me, but maybe some of you.

    And what did he do? A few solo LPs comprised of rehashed Van Halen-sounding songs (with Steve Vai and the Bisonette brothers as sloppy second stand-ins), a few stabs at standards and swing, before just dropping off the map.

    Until now. While others are most likely to cut him on his hair/lack of it/hair weave; my knocks deal with the fact that since ’96 he wears his pants as high on his waist as did Fred Mertz, and the fact that he never had to become such a sad footnote-to-history sideshow act as he has become.

    The clips I have heard from his show sound like a 6 year old calling 911 to say he has crapped his pants. Who thought either Carolla or Roth was worth the airtime and untold dollars sunk into promoting either of them?

    Both are sad, pathetic, monosyllabic caveman dipshits; and, the very fact that allegedly college-educated radio programming and consultant types gave both shows the green light causes me to pray every day that enough of you and those you know are using aerosol hairsprays and other cannisters each day, and that enough cows (and other fat chicks) are farting and belching to the point where soon this worthless planet will just spin off it’s axis and fly right into the molten heart of the sun.

    As it turns out, death is our only chance to save ourselves; and I somehow doubt either Carolla or Roth would even notice the irony…

    let’s fuck,
    chris checkman

  7. Whoa dude… you’ve got a little too much free time… NO ONES gonna read all that.

    I skimmed it and saw that you said “The Roth-era Van Halen while (by light years) better than the Sammy Halen era, was no legendary band. Period. They just rocked harder and louder than the Sammy-period Van Halen; but that is all.” And I just wanted to let you know that… YOU’RE A DOUCHE.

  8. ha! yes, mr checkman, you are quite a douche. what bands do you deem legendary? kansas? foghat? limp bizkit? just curious, dickhead.

  9. wow ,
    you LA dogs need to lay off the red bull .
    so much overthought and discussion .
    who gives a shit about howard stern radio .
    it’s DLR’s hair , jumps , and chaps . it IS about the 1981 time vacuum .
    don’t you get it ?

  10. Stern is not a “hypocrite,” dummy.

    He’s always been a populist, a middle-class, middle-of-the-road man with nouveau cash in his pocket, pandering to a middle-class audience with middle-brow tastes. That means naked women, scatalogical, juvenile comedy, and the occasional political insight best described as “common sense.” That is, not particularly partisan, but eager to protect their assets, and quick to stand up against the government when it steps on their toes. The people who hated the Rodney King tape, but would call the Police in a millisecond if THEIR house was burgled.

    Stern’s never supported far right-wingers. He’s always supported moderate or populist Republicans like Giuliani, C.T. Whitman, or George Pataki. He also loves the shit out of Bill Clinton, and Senator Hillary Clinton, genius. (This describes most of the middle class in New York, hate to tell ya) That makes him a middle-of-the-roader, plainly.

    True, he did give Bush some slack after 9/11. He wanted Bush to kick somebody’s butt after that nightmare. But that slack only went so far, and was revocable. Bush blew it, first by messing up, and then by hitting Stern where he lived. Stern suddenly lost several radio stations after the Janet Jackson’s Tit at the Superbowl Incident. You think a man who just had his pocket picked isn’t going to attack those responsible? PUH. LEESE. Grow up. Okay, so Stern’s not an idealist. He never claimed to be. He only claimed to be an entertainer doing a goofy morning radio show.

  11. To All:
    I’d like to respond to each of you individually, I really would; but, since you are all dumbshit idiots, I would only be wasting my internet time, and your pasting-macaroni-into-shapes-of-Howard-and-Van-Halen-that-no-longer-exists time, that I cannot truly justify responding to you all.

    Besides, you all seem to share a genetically common stripe of idiocy, so I feel good about tarring you all with the same brush.

    In short, as much as I once loved Howard and his show; he has since shown me nothing more than his duplicitous fakery/self-serving flip-flop, simply because the FCC went after him.

    Before the FCC brouhaha, he was a staunch war-loving Republican– and feel free to scan the tapes for said info. Disagree, and you are wrong, as it is there. And, as far as Fred Green’s, “he’s always been a populist, etc.” argument; please, young Fred, try and discern the difference between a populist and a panderer.

    And do not respond until you can actually spot such a distinction, you fucking idiot.

    Truth is, Stern was all Mister War Hawk Pro Government– until the governement arm known as the FCC began it’s rather unfair witchhunt persecution of him.

    Once the government began to threaten his right to broadcast as he wished, and only then, did Stern begin to question and criticize the government in regard to it’s policies– both foreign AND domestic.

    If you cannot see that (evidence exists on tape– go back and listen!), than you are simply a fucking shill idiot of the lowest fucking (ooh! swear words, so run for the hills, uber-sensitive fucks…) denominator. Again, tape evidence exists, from his own show, which illustrates how much his political view changed, once he became a target of the very government he blindly supported because he shot his mouth off before he knew the facts.

    Yeah, now he is the biggest radio critic of the Bush administration (finally!); but, where the fuck was he in all this before the FCC directly threatened him?

    Being a big post 9/11 Bush/Giuliani shill and toady. That’s where….

    And, as far as Roth and Carolla go; they are both jokes– and anyone who expects anything even remotely good (let alone great) from either of these two stillborn shits is either a moron who thinks 1981 still lives, or that Carolla’s fratbot (yes, fratbot….) schtick is omehow relevant in a moern society.

    To both groups, let me just say that all who think like you are utter fucking morons.

    Carolla is best taken, in small doses, as a guest. The Man Show sucked, unless you were an idiot; and, if there were a God, which there is not, he and his meat/farting/high-fiving existence would be banned to the strictly confined borders of Florida or Utah, where they seem to cotton to that kind of caveman shit, just like that other loser of so-called “populist” humor, Larry The Cable Guy…..

    Oh, finally, to Lulu: Get your scaggy crystal-meth air geetar ready for the second coming of Van Halen, with Dave on vocals. Yeah, it’s bound to be the event of the year when four fat 54 year olds get together in a local supper club near your trailer to relive the shitty music that made only the dorks in my high school get all hard in the pants, and glazed-over in the eyes.

    Can’t wait to see David Lee/Fred Mertz go for a double high-kick or a backflip when they play at the Chucky Cheese in Agoura.

    Here’s hoping at least one of you puts down the meth pipe and nostalgic bullshit long enough to perform CPR onstage when the time comes….

    bring your defribillators,

    chris checkman

Comments are closed.