Paging Mr. Xenu . . . Mr. Xenu, to the white courtesy phone . . .

Tom Cruise tells a Toronto Paper what everyone already knows: He is fucking nuts.

Tom Cruise noted that he is “old beyond reckoning.” What’s more, his current life is “probably one of the least satisfying” he has led.

“I was much happier in previous existences when I wrote plays, composed music, conquered nations, discovered continents, and developed cures for diseases,” said Tom Cruise.

Cruise said he became aware that he “had been here before,” when he read the complete works of Shakespeare in a month, despite being dyslexic, not long after dropping out of high school.

“Shakespeare was deja vu for me,” said Tom Cruise. “It was so cool. I felt as if I had seen his words already, knew them all by heart. Then, after I began studying scientology, I realized the words had come from my heart in a previous life. That’s why I say that as glorious and enviable as my present life is, making “War of the Worlds” and all those other great movies can’t compare to writing “Romeo and Juliet” or the sonnets.

Uhh . . . your work can’t compare to writing “Romeo and Juliet” or the sonnets because Shakespeare had something you won’t ever have: talent.

Mr. Cruise, I have studied Shakespeare. I have performed Shakespeare. William Shakespeare was a friend of mine, and you, sir, are no William Shakespeare. You are, in fact, an over-rated hack with a bizarre cult-like following that Earth’s finest scientists are unable to explain.

Go hop around on a couch some more, talk out of your ass about mental health professionals, and enjoy your “glorious and enviable” life, while those of us who live in the real world laugh at you, you fucking lunatic.

Update: Craig points to Defamer, who points to Pugbus, who reveals that this story is a hoax. So I wasted all this great snark on nothing. Damn.

In the immortal words of Gilda Radner (who I was in a previous life), “never mind.”

11 thoughts on “Paging Mr. Xenu . . . Mr. Xenu, to the white courtesy phone . . .”

  1. Wil, do you really think Cruise has absolutely NO talent? If you are honest about it, you will be hard pressed to deny that he is good in a certain type of role/film. Yes, he is wacky as shit, but it all already seems past the point of being funny. Over and done with. It seems a bitter argument (from a fellow actor), especially all the Shakespeare stuff. Is Michael Jackson next on your hit list? DonĂ­t take it the wrong way, but this seems better suited for defamer, and one can only take that for a certain period of time before it wears really, really thin.

  2. How do we know that this story really isn’t true? If I remember correctly from my English Lit days, the authorship of Shakespeare’s plays have always been a mystery. Many scholars think the plays were written by either Edward de Vere, the Earl of Oxford; Christopher Marlowe; Francis Bacon; and even Queen Elizabeth I. Isn’t it possible, knowing Scientology’s odd theology, for Mr. Cruise to be the actual writer of Rome and Juliet? Remember, people use to laugh at Shirley Maclaine! I don’t believe this is a hoax. Or at least I hope it’s not, because I like this sort of gossip.

  3. It’s a hoax, but scary because it’s completely believeable.

    This past year, TC has gone from one of America’s most beloved celebrity to a complete wacko.

    As a person, I can’t stand him. As an actor, I don’t mind him.

    It was better for Tom when he was just his characters and we don’t know who he *really* was.

  4. Wil, are you in love with Tom? I thought you were parking your bike at Wheaton’s door.


  5. True or not, I’m with Wil. Not only is he totally nuts and should just STFU, I never thought he could act. Yes, I have liked some of his movies. But it was due more to quality writing than his acting skills. Think about it — his best roles are one that he is erratic and nuts (think TAPS) — NO ACTING INVOLVED!

  6. Cruise is a bit of a wacko. But the Scientology hook ya when you’re new in town… it’s part of the game plan. I was at BSW’s Actorfest a couple of months ago and the Celeb Centre folks had a booth there. They were coming on strong like they were selling cars! What a load…

    (Unless, of course, they’re spying on us as you read this in which case… PHBBBBBTT! L. Ron Hubbard was a mediocre writer at best.)

  7. …but a snarky sense of humor.

    I rarely see any kind of venom like this from Mr. Wheaton, I am a bit surprised. I cannot say I am disappointed, as Tommyboy seems to be falling deeper and deeper into a PR abyss.

    The Shakespeare bit is believable given his behavior the last year. Even though it’s a hoax, don’t you wonder who he thinks he was in his past lives?

    He is no Academy award winner, but it is hard to argue with his successful box office resume, and I am not ashamed that I have enjoyed his movies. Collateral. Risky Business. Jerry Ma fuckin guire. The man does work pretty hard, a talented actor or not.

    Shit, I am sure I would enjoy sharing stories with him over a couple of beers.

    I don’t know what a turd broker is, but probably he should give that up along with his anti-psychiatry schtick.

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