Travel back with me if you will to late March when I wrote about suffering one of the legions of parking tards who can’t stop themselves from blocking my driveway.
While I’ve ticketed plenty after the dastardly deed’s been done, never before have I actually witnessed one of these heathen vehicles being manuevered so that its ass is oh so immodestly encroaching ó until this afternoon when I was down in the garage getting my bike ready for Bike To Work Week (which begins tomorrow in case you’re wondering). While there, a Subaru wagon boldly pulled in to park on the street just north of the garage, and sure as shit there wasn’t enough room and the wagon’s ass was hanging out and blocking the driveway by a good two feet. I was expecting the male driver would get out and look to see the parking faux pas, but when the woman passenger exited her side gathering her belongings and the male hit the emergency brake and made to leave ó after backing the thing up even further so as not to be too close to the back of the car parked in front of him ó I cleared my throat and got her attention.
“Excuse me,” I said calmly, “I hate to be the bad guy here, but if you leave your vehicle blocking my driveway like that I will have it ticketed.” After looking at the back of the car, instead of saying “Ooops! We so suck. Sorry!” She began telling me crap that she thought somehow justified why it would be OK for the car to stay there. Like that. Blocking my driveway. Grrrrrr.
“Well, we’re just going to visit our friends who live right there (indicating the house next door to the house next door to us) to watch movies for like 20 minutes. Is that OK, or will you still ticket us.”
To which I replied,”Honestly I really don’t care where you’re going or what you’re doing once you get there ó yes, I will have you ticketed.”
At this point the boyfriend or husband or gay neighbor or whoever the hell he is behind the wheel is glaring at me and the young woman is just gape-mouthed so I fill the void by saying “Look, there’s a space right there” and pointing not 30 feet away on the other side of the street to a huge stretch of parkable curb (which, I should note, they drove by first and ignored to pull a U-turn so that they could come back and blockade me).
To that she gave one of those petulo-arrogant “tsk-gasp” exclamations that made my insides go friggin’ Freddy Krueger-cold, but thankfully the dude in the car broke the building rage within me by firing the Subaru up and yanking it around the parked car in front of him, which ó get this: put him even closer to his intended destination, and without obstructing anybody!
Why not just park there in the first damn place, ya pea-brained maroon!
As he did this I reiterated to her as calmly as I could, “Again, I’m sorry to play the asshole, but it’s nothing personal. Frankly you guys are just the next in what’s been a long line of people who don’t give a shit how they park and force me to play hardball ó that and the fact that you did it right in front of me and then tried to rationalize why your lack of consideration was OK.”
She walked away muttering a feeble “Well it’s all OK now.” And I went back to my bike.