jessica stover feeds the nerds two: electric boogaloo

To follow up on Sean’s earlier post about Jessica Stover’s Nerd Outreach 2005: The Very Special Star Wars Nerds Episode: Jessica (the cutest ninja who will ever kick your ass) has updated her site:

Jessica: Right. Myth number one busted: You guys have jobs. So, I have a friendly question for you: Do you guys hate
Female Nerd: That depends on who you talk to.
Jessica: Do you hate them because of something Wil Wheaton wrote?
Female Nerd: Yes! I used to stick up for him to all these guys, then he went and, andÖ
Jessica: I read the column. It was only a bit of loving mockery. Heís a nerd. Heís allowed.
Female Nerd: I even asked him to come down here, to meet me face to face and he wouldnít do it.
Jessica: Were you going to challenge him to a duel or something?
Female Nerd: Itís not just that. Itís the shirts they made and everythingÖ I mean, Argh!
Jessica: I see. Is that the phone? Why isnít it ringing?
Female Nerd: I took it off the hook. Weíre tired of answering it.
Jessica: Dude: Can I answer it?
(Nerds shrug: ìGo for it.î)
Jessica: And, Elliot, whereís your Jedi gear?
Elliot: Itís in the car. I can go get it. Want me to go get it?
Jessica: Hell yeah. Letís get this party started.

For the record, I tried to apologize to the Alpha Nerd, and I was rejected in favor of more self-righteous indignation. Maybe I should have offered a duel, or a The Force Off, or a Pod Race, or something like that. I’m pretty crushed, but I’m getting therapy, and I should be in a good emotional space right around the time the movie opens at the Arclight.

Read more after the jump (sorry, Will!)

Anyway, back to my secret girlfriend Jessa Stover: By “get this party started” she means “let me answer the phone and outsmart the jackasses who are calling here to make fun of the nerds.” (Can I just call them “our nerds” now? Yes, I think I can. As of this moment, I claim the Star Wars Nerds for! Excelsior!)

Jessica: ‘Sup?
Reporter: This is Paul from (note: some radio station no one cares about) and I want to talk to you about whatís going on down there. Who am I speaking to?
Jessica: Jessica Stover.
Reporter: How long have you been in line?
Jessica: Uh, five minutes. Iím actually not in line. I brought the nerds some pizza and now I’m answering their phone because theyíre tired of talking to people. And it amuses me.
Reporter: Who is this?
Jessica: Dude, itís Jessica Stover. I already said that. Pay attention. Do you know how many people are trying to call me right now? Iím really awesome and popular.

Eventually, Jessica gives the phone to the Alpha Nerd, as our man Elliot (the one who changes his story from “I’m not a geek, man!” to “I am a geek, baby!” with frightening ease. I still maintain that he’s a spy from The Dark Side.) returns, with his light saber.

Jessica: Elliot, what kind of light saber is that?
Elliot: My friend and I made them. Theyíre battle ready.
Katt: Hey, anyone want a quarter?

[Ed. Note: Katt is Jessica’s friend]

(Katt tries to pick up the quarter, but itís stuck to the ground. Glued.)
Another Nerd: She fell for it! Oh man.
(They high five and add another tally on their ìpeople who fell for the quarter trickî sheet.)

As Katt recovers from the shame and humiliation of being totally ‘faced by our nerds, and Elliot ponders a new way to get Jessica to touch his light saber, Jessica takes one more phone call:

Jessica: Star Wars line: If you clean the droids weíll let you go to Toshi station to pick up some power converters.
Some Man-Dude: I didnít think Iíd get through!
Jessica: Yeah, Iím popular like that. Do you have a question or something?
Some Man-Dude: Are there any, like, Trekkie fans walking by yelling, ìNo way! Star Trek is better!î?
Jessica: Hey, Elliot, have any Trekkie fans harassed you guys?
Elliot: Iím a Trekkie.

Woah! What? Elliot is a Trekkie? A Trekkie? Not one of those “I take myself too seriously” Trekkers?! Oh, dude! You are so my brother! I’m sorry I questioned your allegience to the Light Side of The Force, and I take back any snarky comments I may have made about you hitting on my secret girlfriend, Jessica Mae Stover the cutest Ninja you’ll ever meet.

Jessica: Dude, Star Trek rocks. I grew up watching TNG with my Dad. Captain Picard is one of the best characters in the universe.
Elliot: No way. He sucks.
Jessica: What.


Elliot: A French guy with a British accent?
Jessica: Pshaw. As if that negates all of the excellent writing and acting that went into that character.
Some Man-Dude: UhÖ Iím still here?
Jessica: Oh, right. No. No one in a Spock outfit has come by and yelled at the nerds. Kbye.
— Click. —

Dude! Elliot! What the fuck, man? I thought we were cool! And then you had to go and dis on Captain Picard because of his accent?! Don’t you know he had a British accent because by the 24th century the British have completely taken over France, eradicated their language, and embaldened all the men?! Jesus Christ, man! That was in, like, soooo much fan fiction in the early 90s, dude! I mean . . . Goddammmit, Elliot! If you’re going to call yourself a Trekkie, at least read the fan fiction! Okay, I take back my taking it back, and I un-takeback everything else. We are now totally not BFF!

Shortly after Elliot reveals the sad, tragic truth about what a so-called “Trekkie”he is, Jessica has to leave our nerds behind, and we are left with a final thought:

Jessica: OK, nerds. Katt has to go to work so we are outtie.
Nerds: (adlib goodbyes) Bye JessicaÖ You guys should come back at night. We watch Aqua Teen hunger force!Ö ByeÖ Thanks for the pizzaÖ Remember usÖ Donít make fun of usÖ

Strangely, I have more in common with the nerds than most of the people I meet at all of those fancy Hollywood ìeventsî Iím always attending.

Yes, they are camped out at the wrong theater. Yes, they are hopeful that their line will sway the powers that be to have a midnight screening of Sith at Graumanís. Yes, that is most likely never going to happen.

Still, I know what it’s like to have dreams. I have goals. Iím hopeful. In fact, I have huge dreams. I mean thereís probably not much less of a chance of Sith playing at Graumanís then of me getting the screenplay Iím currently shopping produced they way I want it to be produced.

But you have to try.

And, if you donít believe, then you will most certainly fail.

Truer words were never spoken, Jessica. The Force is clearly with you.

(See you at Arclight. You bring the throwing stars, and I’ll bring my light saber.)

12 thoughts on “jessica stover feeds the nerds two: electric boogaloo”

  1. Now you know why they all want everyone to come to the line–why they throw down that challenge anyone makes fun of them. Because if you go down to the line, you’ll see what tools they really are.

  2. I’m sorry to bust this otherwise excellent post with a bit of boring post protocol, but what the hell happened to jumping a story after three paragraphs or so and thus not just filling up the front page and knocking everyone else’s posts into ArchiveLand???????

  3. Hey “THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING NUTS”: Jessica’s two articles are excellent, dead-on depictions of line day-life (nightlife’s a different story, woo-boy!). So I’m thinking, if you don’t “get it” by now, you’re not gonna.
    But fear not, we will be presenting you guys with a new opportunity for LUN/ crossover just as soon as we work out our busy schedules and see when would be best. ;)

  4. Somehow I see a comedy skit set 25 years from now: The line that everybody forgot. The same people still in the same line, though the theater has been closed for years so everyone forgot the line was there. The daily ritual of burning an effigy of Wil Wheaton in his grey jumpsuit TNG uniform. And the 25th anniversary screening of Episode III? It’s at the Arclight.

  5. I think the funniest thing is that they have no idea who they are supposed to be protesting. Don’t you usually stage your sit-in at the location of the outrage? Are the owners of Graumans supposed to storm into Lucas Films’ lawyers office and demand that they change their agreement with Arclight?

    Maybe the nerds should stand in line in the lawyers’ outer offices (“No, we don’t have an appointment, we’re in line to see Star Wars.”)

    Or at the very least, they should move the line to Arclight, not to see the movie, obviously, because that would be caving in, but because Arclight at least has the option of cancelling their deal to show the screening.

    Then they could all scurry back to Graumans and resume their original plan of just being in line to see a film.

  6. Thanks for the fix, Wil (and for turning me on to Jessica ó she’s a total hoot!

  7. Where is Triumph when we need him? Then again, Jessica pretty much out-stealths Triumph. This was fun!

  8. I just called the line. It’s true, half the line’s going to the Arclight (over 500 tickets) and the rest will be going elsewhere or not going. The nerds are kinda bummed. I talked to a very nice nerd named Larry who told me a story about Wil Wheaton waiting tables at his wedding after Stand By Me was out and before ST:TNG. Man, I love technology when I can have fun with it. My husband is still laughing at me.

  9. Dude, Jessica is totally my secret girlfriend. Back off.

    Back on topic: these nerds are highlighting an endemic problem in modern America: people won’t admit they’re wrong even after they’ve been proven wrong. Some guy gets fat from eating fast food every day and claims he had no idea eating fast food every day was bad for you. Bush won’t admit the Iraq war was a mistake even after the WMD claims have been proven to be bogus. These nerds won’t admit they lined up at the wrong theater even when the facts are staring them in the face. It’s an epidemic I tell you.

    PS stay away from my secret ninja girlfriend. I’m serious.

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