Wrapped In Plastic…

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Jessica Simpson was “hospitalized briefly” on Monday.

Now the first punchline that occurs to me is her physician, a Dr Julius Hibbard, commenting, “Heh heh heh, your career’s as twisted as Sinbad’s take on marriage!”

The next punchline is “Briefly? How did she escape?”

But in any case, everyone’s favorite un-singing jig-dancing muscianesque apparently became dehydrated “while shooting a segment for ‘The Oprah Winfrey Show’.” She is reportedly back in Los Angeles — where, as we know, it’s quite easy to get rehydrated nowadays. Just walk outside.

I was surprised to hear Jessica Simpson is still on television after the Saturday Night Live debacle. You’d think that if half of the next SNL episode was dedicated to making fun of you, and people were later booing you at a football half-time show, there might be a problem with your career.

Then I remembered that it was actually the evil-twin Ashlee Simpson who is the un-singing jig dancer. You know she’s the evil twin because she has black hair. Like on “Bewitched.”

Now, according to the AP article, the “Red Carpet Makeovers with Jessica Simpson” segment will also include Lara Flynn Boyle, another star in desperate need of rehydration. And a sandwich. Or a damn fine cup of coffee and a piece of cherry pie down at the Double R Diner.

Sometimes I miss Twin Peaks. Especially when it’s raining. I miss the old days, back when they had those antiquated ideas like “writers” and “scripts” and actual “drama.”

Maybe they could stage a revival of the show. Ashlee Simpson could play the backward-talking little person who gave Agent Cooper the cryptic messages in the red-curtain other world. She’s already skilled at lip syncing and bad dancing. If Lara Flynn Boyle skipped her makeup application, she could play the Log Lady.

Hey, wait, I have my punchline:

“Who the hell is Jessica Simpson?”

5 Replies to “Wrapped In Plastic…”

  1. It may not be as surreal as Twin Peaks, but the writing on Veronica Mars is about as good as it gets this season (and it has a Twin Peaks-ish season-long murder mystery arc). Lost and Desperate Housewives ain’t got nothing on that show.

  2. Second on the jessica/ashley question. Ashlee is the unsinging jigdancer. Jessica is the singing unintelligent one.

  3. Note paragraph in middle of post:

    “Then I remembered that it was actually the evil-twin Ashlee Simpson who is the un-singing jig dancer. You know she’s the evil twin because she has black hair. Like on “Bewitched.””

  4. I sorta have to agree that this was a muddled post — and about two people whom I could not give a shit.

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