And what the butthole has she been doing? This brave little soldier just ended a 3 month long stint working in a convenience store (favor. don’t ask.) Have I learned anything new from this excruciatingly pointless experience? Just that working in retail/service does suck as much as I remember. Anyway, I’ve always believed in being kind to your serviceperson, but here are a few helpful tips for the next time you’re in a convenience store/snack shop:

1. Just because you’re over 55 doesn’t make it quaint for you to call me “sugar britches” and “honey bunny”.

2. When purchasing Lotto tickets, DO NOT EVER say “Make sure you give me the winning one this time! *chuckle, chuckle*” It will never be cute or funny. EVER. Especially after every other customer says it thinking they are being original. I can only fake smile so many times a day.

3. This is kind of connected to the previous one, but when checking to see if your Lotto ticket has won, don’t say “Hey! This machine is broken! It says I’m not a winner! You better fix it!”. That’s not funny either. Stupidface.

4. Convenience stores are different than supermarkets because: a) they are not supermarkets. Ok, so that was the only difference I wanted to cover. Now that we have established that convenience stores are not supermarkets, we should be able to safely arrive at the conclusion that convenience store also operate differently than supermarkets. “What the fuck are you getting at, Jessica? Your ho-ass talks too much.” Well, let me finish. Don’t come in and complain to me that everything is much more expensive than the supermarket because a) I don’t control the prices. Yes, even I, the highly powerful convenience store clerk cannot control the fact that that candy bar is 75 cents. b) speaking in terms of ratios, there is a much higher overhead for a convenience store than a big national chain of supermarkets. c) convenience stores also can’t make the kind of giant bulk orders that a corporate supermarket can make, therefore, not getting the same wholesale price. So, Asshole, who complained to me that Advantage bars were three times the price than that of the supermarket, fuck you. Fuck you, but with good reason.

5. Don’t make assumptions about my intelligence and self-worth because I’m behind the counter of a convenience store. This lady (who was a regular) started chatting with me about my education. When I told her I just graduated from college, she said, “Oh, and this is what you majored in?” Thank you.

6. Don’t throw your money on the counter when I reach out for it. Seriously.

7. If I see one more person trying to take advantage of a clerk because their English isn’t perfect, I’m gonna flip out and go apeshit. This is especially shitty when it’s someone who only speaks one language and has never visited another country before.

8. Yes, I am Asian. No, don’t try to guess what kind of Asian I am and then attempt to greet me “in my native language”. Die, DIE!!!

9. Buy or get out. (ok, I don’t really care, but it just felt right to say.)

Be nice and maybe the clerk will give you free candy. At the very least, you won’t be an asshole. Tune in next time, when I divulge secrets from the seedy underbelly of temping at a corporation.

6 thoughts on “THE BITCH IS BACK”

  1. Oh, it’s you Will. I’m glad you are back. I like you. If you will look past your hurt feelings for a moment and really consider if the other charming Will’s every waking and non-waking action is worthy of a book, you might come to the conclusion that a free blog might be the appropriate venue. We’ve all got bills to pay but geez..

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