As I’m moving at the end of the month so began today the endless online forms and phone calls to credit card companies and magazines and utilities and such changing addresses or transfering service or canceling outright. Thus it was after SBC and The Gas Company and the LADWP that I finally contacted Adelphia to shut off my cable. After enduring several minutes on hold I finally got a live voice who then took down my customer info and inquisitioned me as to why I was daring to discontinue my basic cable programming rather than transfer it to my new address. Nearing the end of the interrogation, the voice resignedly asked me what date I wished to end the relationship.
A reply of “July 31” was met with a stony silence then an “I’m sorry, but we can’t do service shut-offs beyond, uh, July 23.” My unbelieving “Excuse me?” was followed by, “If you want it shut off on July 31, you should call back in a few days… I’d give it a week, week-and-a-half.” Just to make sure I was hearing right, I queried in building incredulity with “You mean big bad Adelphia has its crap so untogether that it can’t even begin to consider flipping my off switch beyond 10 days in advance?” The voice tersely confirmed that. So I told the voice that I was thankful that travel agents and hotels and rental car firms and day spas and call girls and pet groomers and contractors and rock stars have the means of seeing more than 10 days into the future and that Adelphia should try it some time.
“Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?” The voice squeezed every drop of irony out of “help.”
Well, I’d like to say that I said it would help if Adelphia didn’t have a policy as lame as Duhbya making a campaign stop in Sunset Junction and and that I begged pardon for trying so ignorantly to get an early-bird jump on my move and in that process sooo wasting Adelphia’s time, but I didn’t. Instead I humbly suggested that it might behoove those in its customer service rep corps with half a clue over there in Sri Lanka or Dalmatia or Reykjavik or Idaho to ask that last question first.
“Thanks for calling Adelphia. You have a nice day.”