MORE ADS THAT SUCK

Having yet to be affronted by any TV or radio aspects of this recent advertising campaign, I’ve only been able to winter in my discontent of the billboards like the one to the right that have been popping up around town showing a rainbow coalition of sillyslick Barbarella wannabes, each giving obviously well-practiced, arms-length handjobs to huge, erect bottles of an artificially colored, flavored and bubbled beverage ó all the while collectively asking us if we “Want To Fuck?”

What’s that? You say it’s “Wanta Fanta?” As in “Do you want a Fanta?” Well, let’s get bogged down in semantics for a moment and look at “Wanta,” which is similar to “wanna” with both often colloquially used in questions like “Wanta go to the store?” or “Do you wanna ride… ride the white pony?” In formal use either would convert to “want to” as they are modifying the action of the question. It wouldn’t make sense to ask “Want a go to the store?” Neither would it make cent$ for the Coca-Cola Company to greenlight a huge promo blitz featuring four scantily clad women with their legs spread who then only flaccidly ask us if we might like to maybe kinda try their drinks.

Sorry, but there’s no limp queries involved here. The question’s rhetorical and moot having already been answered by that quad-pack of frosted young ho-cakes being pimped by their parent company up there on those billboards. They know it. You know it. “Wanta Fanta?” Of course you do. All four at once.

10 Replies to “MORE ADS THAT SUCK”

  1. My girlfriend and I went to see Shrek 2 last night. We arrived a bit late and were forced to sit up in the second row of the crinked-neck section. But we weren’t too late to catch the second half of the Fanta porn, which has this mindless nausiating jingle that makes ones ears bleed. It literally filled our entire peripheral vision and for a minute I couldn’t think anything but wanta-wanta-wanta-FANTA. We sat for a moment and then just looked at each other aghast: WTF? At least we missed the guilt-trippin’ MPAA propaganda.

  2. As Arnold might say, “Fan-t·-stick! Fanta-size does matter! That’s why these chicks are up on huge billboards. As for me, I started wanting a/to Fanta ever since I was a kid growing up in France (where the stuff–the beverage, that is–has been around since at least the fifties), but, being patriotic and all, I went for the French version, “Pschitt,” a clever onomatopoeia that is supposed to approximate the sound of a bottle being opened, but which, in effect, when pronounced American-style, better represents the quality of the product.

    But I’m digressing here. Being easily titillated by even the lamest attempts at lubricity, I wasn’t overly disturbed by this shameless appeal to one of my favorite base instincts when I first saw the billboard on Highland and Franklin. What really pissed me off is the Coca Cola company’s failure to live up to its “We are the world” ethic. The ad fails to cater to our newly developed sensitivity to geo-political correctness by featuring only four fantable babes. There’s an African American one, a pseudo-Latina, a gringa, and one–my personal favorite– who may or may not be from India or Sri Lanka. That’s a start, but where are the ones from the Far and Middle East, to name just a few of the neglected regions? Just imagine one wrapped in a black chador! Now, that’s fanta-sizing!

  3. If I dont like you…your gunna know I dont like you….If you dont like me….u betta say somethin to my face and not my back…cuz sometimes you children out there don’t act right……..iss cuz u havent gotten SMACKED RIGHT!

  4. Every time I hear that horrible jingle from hells half acre I litterly shout as loud as I can to drown out the song….I JUST did it 5 mins ago when that came on tv….That’s it im gonna go make a “KILL THE FANTA GIRLS” flash game….

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