When you run out of clean underwear, it’s not a sign that you should do laundry. It simply means you need to go buy more. Being obsessed with unmentionables, the time has come for me to share all of my too-much-information information:
Frederick’s of Hollywood: used to be a favorite. USED to be. They used to make the best lace garter belts ever and were a great alternative to the reign of terror of Victoria’s Secret, but that era is over. Prices have risen, quality has not. I will say that their underwear is a lot more comfortable than VS. And, guys, they have maaaaaaaaan-thongs…. eh? Eh?
Trashy Lingerie: The saleswomen are out of control pushy. Having one of them constantly nipping at my heels, breathing down my neck is so creepy; I’d rather have an old man in a trench coat follow me around. However, the bargain section on their website is excellent for hosiery even if shipping prices are on the hefty side.
Victoria’s Secret: Going to the Semi-Annual Sale is like marinating yourself in smarmy beef and wine and then trying to battle alcoholic she-wolves for bits of ribbon. Nails and elbows must be used to maintain personal shopping space while digging for that elusive color or size before that other skank finds it and wears it with lowrise jeans. But the spoils, oh, the spoils, my friend. Everything you’ve wanted but thought was overpriced is now under $15. The sale is pretty much over now, but most locations still have a couple of clearance bins with additional 50% off.
Target: Doy! The classiest mart around has the best deals ever. 3 pairs of polka dot undies for $7.50, 2 pairs of Hello Kitty boy briefs for $8; what the hell, man, why aren’t you stocking up already? And while you’re there, pick up a few bags of Milano cookies ($2 a bag!!!). Those bastards, that’s why they put them by the register… That’s what’s great about Target, you can afford to buy more underwear once your ass expands from all the cookies.
Finally, did you know that the 99 cent Store sells g-strings? Burlington Coat Factory is more than just coats, it’s also $1.99 thongs. Go forth, children; for who says that what covers your ass can’t be as cheap as your ass?
For those of you who know me and would rather stab out your eyes and eat your own bile than hear about my intimate apparell, let me just take this opportunity to remind you that I also fart and poop. A lot.