my friends and I were singing the Badger Song all day out into the ocean last weekend. Ladies and gentlemen I present to you…

Badgers!!!

Now the beauty of this is about 4 and a half minutes into the piece there is a HUGE payoff. Trust me. It’s fucking HILARIOUS!!!!

[UPDATE] It. Has. BEGUN!!!!!

I had one alcoholic beverage and this is now really bugging me: Is Creed or Puddle of Mudd the worst band of all time?

On the one hand, Creed totally rips-off Pearl Jam and they preach Christianity, but on the other hand, Puddle of Suck rips-off Kurt Cobain and they were discovered by Fred Durst. Well, Nirvana hasn’t put out an album in a while, so maybe it’s okay to rip them off. And maybe since Pearl Jam sucks now, it’s okay to rip them off as long as you rip the 1991 Pearl Jam. In terms of band name, Creed is terrible for the obvious reasons, but Puddle of Mudd is just stupid. A puddle of mud? It turns out I was in the same room when they came up with it: “Hey, what should we call our band? We rip-off Nirvana so maybe it should be like the same but different like Wirvana or Nirvono?” Then I said, “I think it should be something that reminds people of a pile of shit because that’s what you are.”

Catherine Opie has curated a retrospective of Robert Mapplethorpe photographic works that will be the inaugural exhibition for the new Marc Selwyn Fine Art. On their site they say “the show will be an opportunity to see the work of a photographer whose quest for balance and perfection established him in the top rank of twentieth-century artists.” I guess all that controversy surrounding his work didn’t hurt his notoriety either.

This show opens on January 31 and continues through March 13th.

Anyone in the Silverlake area have a Koi pond? I have three Koi that need a new home ASAP. Help!

Admittedly, I have poor hearing. It’s genetic and no, I haven’t been to any concerts lately.

On any given day I say “what?” at least 30 times.

In all honesty, I ask for a repeat when people say outrageous things, and typically the shouted response is what I first heard.

But what does one who is hard of hearing say when everyone is calling a girl “Labia” — if you know please advise.

Moxie:
I’m sorry, come again? I couldn’t hear you

Someone:
I’d like you to meet Labia.

Moxie:
Dabia?

Someone:
Layla.

Moxie:
Libra?

Someone:
LAY-BEE-YA

Moxie:
You’re kidding

Someone:
What? No. LAAAAAAAY BEEEE YAh

Moxie:
A woman? Named Labia?

Someone:
No, not labia, lay be YAH

Moxie:
I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. Or maybe I don’t want to hear you. What were her parent’s thinking?

Someone:
Labia. You’ll love her, she’s very cool.

Moxie:
God, I hope everyone loves her with a name like that.

Any yahoo, it reminded me of the Mulva episode on Seinfeld.

Again, I’m not smart enough to make this stuff up. I only wish I were…

BoingBoing tips us off to this little “snatch and run” in Pasadena.

“A thief stole a 170-pound bronze statue of Star Wars’ Jedi master Yoda from the back of a truck in Pasadena, Calif., on Jan. 17, the Zap2it Web site reported. Four of the 36 Lucasfilm-commissioned statues were bolted down to a flatbed truck for transport to Los Angeles to be sold. The truck’s drivers, who had stopped at a Westway Inn, found the statue missing the next morning.”

This nerd wet dream is estimated at to be worth between $15,000 – $20,000 and they are offering a $1,000 reword for it’s return. Huh? $1,000?!! Who ever was smart enough to swipe that thing, I’m guessing is smart enough to do the math on that on as well. My guess is it’s not going to show up anytime soon.

You’ve been waiting 12 months for this, so drop whatever you are doing and go read Buddyhead’s Best & Worst Albums of 2003 right now. NOW.

I set up gallery of the day of whale watching off the coast on Sunday. I really can’t wait to go do it again! Check it out

I know I should be posting this on Fucked State but since we officially closed that site after the election it’s going here instead. According to Reuters, The Govenator spent some mad cash on his campaign, and by “mad” I mean “illegal.”

A California judge ruled on Monday that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (news – web sites) broke state law by borrowing more than $4.5 million to finance his run for governor in last October’s recall election.

“The judge ruled that Schwarzenegger’s loans he obtained from a bank and then personally loaned to his committee were illegal,” Finley said. “He broke the law by a multiple of forty.”

I’m thinking of heading down to the O’Reilly Emerging Technology Conference in San Diego in early Feb. Now, I hadn’t been planning on this before so I didn’t do any pre-planning. I’m wondering if anyone else from LA is going down and wants to share a ride, share a room, share whatever. I’m no stranger to packing a sleeping bag and subleting some floorspace. I’ll probably just grab a basic floor pass, but let me know if you are planning to go.

When you run out of clean underwear, it’s not a sign that you should do laundry. It simply means you need to go buy more. Being obsessed with unmentionables, the time has come for me to share all of my too-much-information information:

Frederick’s of Hollywood: used to be a favorite. USED to be. They used to make the best lace garter belts ever and were a great alternative to the reign of terror of Victoria’s Secret, but that era is over. Prices have risen, quality has not. I will say that their underwear is a lot more comfortable than VS. And, guys, they have maaaaaaaaan-thongs…. eh? Eh?

Trashy Lingerie: The saleswomen are out of control pushy. Having one of them constantly nipping at my heels, breathing down my neck is so creepy; I’d rather have an old man in a trench coat follow me around. However, the bargain section on their website is excellent for hosiery even if shipping prices are on the hefty side.

Victoria’s Secret: Going to the Semi-Annual Sale is like marinating yourself in smarmy beef and wine and then trying to battle alcoholic she-wolves for bits of ribbon. Nails and elbows must be used to maintain personal shopping space while digging for that elusive color or size before that other skank finds it and wears it with lowrise jeans. But the spoils, oh, the spoils, my friend. Everything you’ve wanted but thought was overpriced is now under $15. The sale is pretty much over now, but most locations still have a couple of clearance bins with additional 50% off.

Target: Doy! The classiest mart around has the best deals ever. 3 pairs of polka dot undies for $7.50, 2 pairs of Hello Kitty boy briefs for $8; what the hell, man, why aren’t you stocking up already? And while you’re there, pick up a few bags of Milano cookies ($2 a bag!!!). Those bastards, that’s why they put them by the register… That’s what’s great about Target, you can afford to buy more underwear once your ass expands from all the cookies.

Finally, did you know that the 99 cent Store sells g-strings? Burlington Coat Factory is more than just coats, it’s also $1.99 thongs. Go forth, children; for who says that what covers your ass can’t be as cheap as your ass?

For those of you who know me and would rather stab out your eyes and eat your own bile than hear about my intimate apparell, let me just take this opportunity to remind you that I also fart and poop. A lot.

I’m not terribly impressed with the quality of the valets at the W hotel in Westwood.

I had family in from Australia and due to all the travel over the years they had a free three room suite for the weekend, so despite the pain I’m in I decided to suck it up — what other choice did I have — and hung out over the weekend.

After wasting a half tank of gas looking for street parking (I saw 3 other people luck into that mythical free parking spot), I pulled up to the valet.

He left it running, closed the door and was lucky that it didn’t lock automatically as it usually does.

I walked up the watery glass stairs that always make me feel dizzy and drunk but then thought better of it. Had to make sure these guys could drive the go cart. Not to mention that it is air cooled and would overheat if they left it running in place for too long.

One valet got in, tried to put it in gear without engaging the clutch. Twice. The sound of my 19 year old gears grinding makes god and the angels cry.

I ran down the stairs and banged on the window….”don’t you know how to drive a standard??” I yelled.

He nodded and engaged the clutch this time but managed not to put it in first gear. He reved the engine a few times in neutral expecting to advance.

I ran over to the other valet and said, “I’m not letting this jackhole park my car. Tell me where to park it and I will. That guy has ground my clutch and tried to drive in neutral.”

He patted my shoulder thinking I was some sort of idiot and escorted some schmancy-fancy couple to their automatic Porsche. A travesty in and of itself.

The guy in my car finally figured out 1st gear but had neglected to release the hand brake. The sight of my car lurching almost gave me a panic attack.

I’m seconds away from having a stroke at that point, when some nice young man went over and pulled the incompetent valet out of my go cart by his collar.

The last remaining valet told me, “he knows how to drive an older standard transmission, don’t worry.” And he did.

Take home message? Don’t try to drive a 19 year old car if you can’t drive a standard Honda. For that matter, don’t work as a valet at all.

And don’t underestimate the ease of a car that a small blonde woman drives. She’s probably more capable than you.

The bookstore at Arclight Cinemas on Sunset and Vine is freaking amazing. First of all, most theaters don’t have book stores built in, and if they do, it’s probably to hype some garbage some losers just put out with the name of some current movie plastered all over it. Well, as we’ve mentioned here before, Arclight is no normal theater. The book store, while just taking up a small corner of the lobby, is packed with amazing finds. New releases by Taschen, Phaidon and others who make visually stunning books you just want to open. While they have the obligitory “movie related” books, they also have books with amazing imagery from advertising, art, design, architechture, and more. Currently they have section focusing on Frank Gehry, but seem to swich that out once a month or so.

Sure there’s better book stores in LA, but none that you can browse while waiting for your friends to show up for a flick at one of the best theaters in the country.

One of the things you pretty much have to do as an art gallery is throw an opening reception for your latest show. It’s always something that I’ve both loved and hated. For one, I love to show off the new work that’s in the gallery and that usually involves a new artist that I’m excited for people to discover. On the other hand, it has a party-vibe and even though we don’t serve the hooch, it can be a little exhausting. Sometimes, openings are more fun that others. This can be from a variety of factors…the public’s enthusiasm, artists show up on time, sales, etc. All that said, the opening we had last Saturday for newcomers Martin Ontiveros and Donovan Crosby was so fantastic! Great people came out to see the show, conversations we overheard regarding the work was positive, artists were amazing, and sales were solid. I hope that this is a taste of what 2004 has to offer because it sure was fun and, sometimes, that can be rare.

Mikawaya in Little Tokyo specializes in wagashi, which basically translates into japanese confectionary/sweets, but should really translate into “holy fuck cakes, this taste great!”. Most everyone in Los Angeles nowadays knows about the dessert treat mochi ice cream, glutinous rice paste shaped into balls filled with ice cream flava flavs like green tea, mango, and red bean (azuki), now served at most any japanese restaurant. It was at Mikawaya in 1993, a business that’s been in operation since 1910 (starting at 365 East First St, but now at multiple locations throughout LA), where mochi ice cream was created. But as much as I do like the east-meets-west combination of sticky rice and creamed ice, its really the traditional sweets that offer gastronomic satisfaction. There are two different categories of wagashi, nama-gashi and higashi. Its the delicate nama-gashi made of dusted sticky rice dough, with a shelf life of only a day or two, that is the ultimate japanese treat. These are chewy treats in a beautiful range of colours and shapes. Some are filled with red beans, lima beans, mung beans, or vegetable gelatin, while others are flavoured with citrus, shaped into little bird forms, stamped with kanji, or wrapped in shiso leaves (a wonderful play between sweet and salty, a treat for those who like tastes with a bit of depth and complexity). And the best part according to the pastry shop is: “…that the caloric value of wagashi is generally about one-third that of Western style sweets.” Making Sara Lee their bitch with each tasty bite, Mikawaya (118 Japanese Village Plaza, 90012).