things that make me want to slit my wrists

Michael Jackson said he would slit his wrists before hurting a child. Made me stop and think about things, people and traditions that make almost certain death a favorable alternative:

1) That Smart & Final spokes-kid. If I have to hear him screech about getting smart one more time…

2) 1-800-Dentist commercials. Especially the knock-off of the theater scene from Annie Hall where the blonde chick in the bad hat winks and mugs for the camera. Honorable mention: the guy with the yellow teeth trying to pick up the waitress at a diner.

3) Talking action figures of any political figure or pundit. Though I imagine some men might enjoy the thought of getting their talking Ann Coulter doll naked and forcing her to do whatever they want her to do.

4) Penis enlargement spam. I don’t have a penis. I will NEVER have a penis. Even if I did have a penis I wouldn’t pop some pills from a shady internet site who sent me an email.

5) Christmas cards where even the “Love, the {insert name here} Family” is preprinted. Why bother??

6) Barbra Streisand’s piehole. As one of the five Los Angeles county Republicans, I must mention my puzzlement about her promise back in 2000. Explicitly, if Bush became President she “threatened” to move to Canada. She’s still here and my offer to help her move still stands. Same holds true for Michael Moore. I’ll even throw in a few donuts and ding dongs.

7) Uggs. Yes, still ugly and irritating outside of a snowy climate. Though secretly I’m glad they temporarily replaced the trend of wearing a dress over jeans (with the whorish spiked heels).

8) Year end “best or worst of” lists. Really, I can think of 100 ways to better spend my time rather than writing or reading them. Of course I kind of blew that one since I was too lazy to write this entry out in paragraph form sans numbers.

9) Auld Lang Syne. While I am sure there is a more depressing way to start out the new year rather than hearing this tune, I have not been able to come up with one example since NYE 2002. Besides, lots of us *would* like to forget old acquaintances, (x boyfriends, girlfriends, that annoying kid from the Smart and Final commercial). But of course we’ll all still drink a cup (or 5) of intoxicating kindness for times gone by.

10) Any mention of the word “Metrosexual.” There is nothing wrong with a man who takes care of himself. Besides, to me the word still sounds like someone who likes to have sex on various modes of public transportation.

I could go on but I won’t (you’re welcome). But feel free to suggest items I have left off the list…

6 thoughts on “things that make me want to slit my wrists”

  1. I agree with you so much. Since my wife and I moved here to LA in July…there are now 7 Republicans. BTW, Barbara Shreeksand is on Oprah as I speak. I need to change the channel, but I’m intrigued to hear her stupidity.

    1. Knife from the G.I. George W. Bush action figure
    2. Paper from printed Penispan
    3. Barbra Streisand’s piehole
    4. Metrosexual’s zipper
    5. Metrosexual’s metrosexual partner’s zipper
    6-10. Standard razor blade

  3. Rasheed Wallace – a basketball player for the Portland NBA team. He thinks basketball players are exploited. He makes over seventeen million dollars a year – yes, seventeen with six zeros, per year. This proves that the ability to shoot a basketball and the ability to think clearly can be mutually exclusive.

  4. I’m with you on almost all of them, but especially #10. I hate that word. It’s just stupid, and it makes me think of someone who wants to fuck the entire city.

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