Ran some errands and ended up at the Starbucks on Larchmont this morning, just in time to see this lady raising hell. I’m in the place all of 15 seconds before she gets up from her table and starts yelling at the guy behind the counter, and in this god awful voice that I could never explain via the written word…
bitch: HEY YOU!
barista: Yes Maam?
bitch: CAN YOU TURN DOWN THE AIR?
barista: You want it turned down?
bitch: YES! EVERYONE IS FREEZING!
Before we go on I should probably explain that outside of her screaming she was kind of hard to miss due to way-too-tight-sweatpant-jacket-half-shirt-combo-thing that accentuated and showed off way more fat than anyone outside of her house ever needed to see. I drew this picture to give you a better idea. Anyway she’s got that whole thing going on and at this point I look around and no one seems to be agreeing with her, in fact there’s several people in shorts, t-shirts and they all look really comfortable. Anyway…
barista: Oh you want it warmer?
bitch: YES!!! TURN THE AIR DOWN, EVERYONE IS COMPLAINING!!!
Again, no one except this lovely woman is complaining, and more over everyone seems to be thinking the same thing me and the barista are that turning the air down = lowering the temperature… but whatever.
barista: We can, but it talks about 30 minutes to effect the lounge area of the store
bitch: 30 MINUTES??? I’ll BE GONE BY THEN
bitch: DO I NEED TO TALK TO THE MANAGER?
barista: If you want I’ll get him for you but he can’t really make the air conditioner work any better.
No duh… i already know I hate this lady and I’ve only known she existed for about 30 seconds.
manager: Can I help you?
I’ll save you the back and forth, she pulls she same shit with him, he tells her the exact same thing which I guess makes sense to her this time since it isn’t coming from a guy with a visor but she’s still not happy about it and walks away saying something like “WITH SERVICE LIKE THIS IT WILL BE A MIRACLE IS YOU’RE STILL IN BUSINESS NEXT MONTH”
Yeah. Right. Because the air conditioner doesn’t instantly change the temp of the entire store the entire Starbucks corporation is going belly up. Better sell your stocks now.
So the cashier and I roll eyes at each other, I order, get my stuff and go sit down. At this point I’ve been there for maybe 2 minutes, 3 at the most and as I’m going to sit down this whore is on her way back up to start some more shit.
whore: HEY! HEY!!
barista: Yes Maam?
whore: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY COFFEE??
barista: What did you order?
whore: I KNOW WHAT I ORDERED I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU PUT IN IT??
barista: I don’t know, I gave it to you about 10 minutes ago.. what does it say on the cup?
whore: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT IT SAYS ON THE CUP BECAUSE IT’S WRONG ALL WRONG!
barista: Well I..
whore: DID YOU PUT WHOLE MILK IN IT?
barista: Maybe, if that’s what is says on the cup..
whore: WELL I ORDERED SKIM AND THIS IS WRONG!
she then THROWS the cup of whatever she has at the guy but it doesn’t even get to him because it’s empty. That’s right, the cup is empty. Why? Because she ordered it and drank it 10 minutes ago or some bullshit. And NOW she’s complaining and wants a new one. The guy picks up the cup and points something out on it to the other barista. She confirms that they are getting her a new beverage to replace the one she already finished and goes to sit down.
By now even her friends seem to think she’s going too far. Right when she gets back they excuse themselves and take off. So she’s there, all by herself, starring at the guy making her coffee. Hateful laserlike starring. I’m at least 20 feet from the guy and I can feel her look. Finally he finishes and before he can even put the lid on it or call her name she’s on him…
witch: DID YOU PUT 2 SHOTS OF ESPRESSO IN THIS???
barista: Yes, I…
witch: BECAUSE I ORDERED 2 SHOTS!
barista: I know…
witch: DON’T GIVE ME THAT ATTITUDE, THAT’S THE REASON YOU ARE STUCK IN A SHITTY JOB LIKE THIS ONE AND YOU’LL NEVER GO ANYWHERE IN YOUR LIFE
other barista: ?
everyone in the whole freaking place: ?
me: What the fuck is your problem?
Couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer. She spins around to see who dared question her. She looks at me, as if to size me up or something but doesn’t say thing, just glares. She never looks back at the guys who work there, just looks at me, grabs her coffee and storms out. she tries to slam the door on the way out but it’s got one of those hinge things that make it shut really slow which end up looking really funny and most of the 10 or so people inside all bust out laughing at her. She throws her new, free coffee on the ground and walks away.
I finished the one I paid for.
[ this was originally written in May 2003 on seanbonner.com and caused quite a fuss. I got an e-mail yesterday from someone asking for the link so I decided to republish it here, in a slightly edited version so that I didn’t have to go through this again.]